Sister's Big Plan

New Baby

2010-01-04T12:28:00.000-08:00

Salam wa alaykum brothers and sisters

I've been away for a good reason. Allah SWT accepted our duas and granted me and my husband a beautiful baby boy! I have named him Yahya. I got the inspiration for the name after reading the first few ayas of Surah Maryam. I truly flet the miracle of the Qur'an as Allah was telling me in my heart that I would have a child soon. Allah only has to say 'Be' and it is done. SubhanAllah.

Another miracle was that I carried him to 37 weeks despite having diabetes for 25 years and had a natural birth. So, all those sisters out there - never give up on Allah SWT. If I can do it then so can you!!

Please make dua for Yahya, me, my husband and all the Muslims.

JazakAllah Khair

Confidence

2009-03-08T08:26:00.000-07:00

There she goes – bold, bright and wonderful!
You wouldn’t have thought but the world’s her oyster
Pressure, what pressure! She is like a fly on the wall
A Nutcracker hijabi!

Her feelings guide her day and night
The feelings are her life
Feelings are what make the world right

She swishes her hijab at those critics
Throws her thinking cap on and flys, flys, flys
She is invincible! Oh, I wish I could be like her!

She is changing the World
Look at her ideas, imagination and creative thinking
People’s attitude will not stop her get to the top, top, top

Things are getting tight, the deadlines are mounting up
And what? Last minute assignment
She has the confidence, she knows how to pass

She can stand strong when all else fails
When the support and encouragement has gone astray
She finds, the love, praise and connection from others in her life

She is coached and mentored – Part of the ingredients of a successful life
Helping others, supporting the weak is all part of her greater good
Look! Can you see her confidence flowing?

She will reach the top
She will keep flying
She can’t be broken not by you, her or I!

New Home

2009-02-27T11:56:00.001-08:00

I moved into my new home last week! I wasn’t feeling very well which ironically helped me to move in. I’ve been worrying about this transition for sometime because of my mum. We are very close and we have found it hard to go through such a change (see previous post).

The house is spacious and well sized. The only problem is the lack of hot water. Alhamdula. Unfortunately it will cost an arm and a leg to correct such a problem as the council won’t pay to have this done. I feel kind of cross that the Housing Officer didn’t advice on such a problem as it would have put in us in a better position to decide whether we wanted the flat. I’m slightly apprehensive of complaining as I’m grateful to Allah SWT for granting me a lovely flat and at least I have some hot water coming through. May Allah forgive me for complaining! Also, I feel that since I don’t, as yet, have a secure tenancy I may be causing unnecessary tension with the Housing Officer. I was raring to go with a letter on why they should install a shower system for us!! Sometimes, I get this feeling of injustice and it hurts to the point where I have lots of ideas flowing for arguments I can put forward coupled with me scoffing down chocolate. The worst this feeling of injustice gets is the point where I can’t sleep. I also have neighbours who like to complain. I have to admit it was my fault for allowing DYI to happen quite late at night and now I feel like the ASBO neighbour lol. (ASBO is an order issued by the Courts, which put legal restrictions on someone, i.e. no noise after 6pm and so on. If breached, it could mean eviction or criminal proceedings.) InshaAllah, it won’t get that far!!! I’ve started tiptoeing around the house.

I’m also trying to get used to all the smells. There is this annoyingly dodgy smell in the hall way and I can’s seem to isolate who or what is the culprit. It could be coming from the carpets or wooden floors. I can’t quite work it out. I’ve sprayed air fresheners until I almost fainted!! I will beat this even if it causes me another dizzy act. LOL

My husband’s been very good at finding lovely things for the flat. MashaAllah. We are trying to make it as Islamically friendly as possible. Avoiding pictures especially of animals and people. I would love to have as much barak in the house as possible. InshaAllah my best friend and her family will come over and give me the thumbs up! Allah SWT has blessed me so much since returning from Hajj that InshaAllah it continues. May Allah bless you ALL.

Surah 19 - Maryam

2009-02-16T11:00:00.000-08:00

Surah 19 - Maryam
(This is) a mention of the mercy of your Lord to His slave Zakariya (Zachariah).
When he called out his Lord (Allah) a call in secret,
Saying: "My Lord! Indeed my bones have grown feeble, and grey hair has spread on my head, And I have never been unblest in my invocation to You, O my Lord!
"And Verily! I fear my relatives after me, since my wife is barren. So give me from Yourself an heir,
"Who shall inherit me, and inherit (also) the posterity of Ya'qub (Jacob) (inheritance of the religious knowledge and Prophethood, not the wealth, etc.). And make him, my Lord, one with whom You are Well-pleased!".
Allah said) "O Zakariya (Zachariah)! Verily, We give you the glad tidings of a son, His name will be Yahya (John). We have given that name to none before (him)."
He said: "My Lord! How can I have a son, when my wife is barren, and I have reached the extreme old age."
He said: "So (it will be). Your Lord says; It is easy for Me. Certainly I have created you before, when you had been nothing!"
[Zakariya (Zachariah)] said: "My Lord! Appoint for me a sign." He said: "Your sign is that you shall not speak unto mankind for three nights, though having no bodily defect."
Then he came out to his people from Al-Mihrab (a praying place or a private room, etc.), he told them by signs to glorify Allah's Praises in the morning and in the afternoon.
It was said to his son): "O Yahya (John)! Hold fast the Scripture [the Taurat (Torah)]." And We gave him wisdom while yet a child.
And (made him) sympathetic to men as a mercy (or a grant) from Us, and pure from sins [i.e. Yahya (John)] and he was righteous,
And dutiful towards his parents, and he was neither an arrogant nor disobedient (to Allah or to his parents).
And Salamun (peace) be on him the day he was born, the day he dies, and the day he will be raised up to life (again)!
(Surah 19, Verses 2 – 15)

SubhanaAllah, What a beautiful Ayat! For all those brothers and sisters going through the heartache of conceiving this is definitely a sign of hope. It is Allah’s will that decides whether we have a child or not. Not medical problems, society or infertility. This is not to say that one shouldn’t exhaust all halah methods of trying to conceive like IVF. InshaAllah, if we are meant to have a child then it will happen. Miracles do happen – Look at Zakariya and his barren, old wife. Apparently, I’ve been advised she was 99 years old!

This has been a hard issue for me because I’ve wanted a child for so long. (Please see previous posts). Recently, I’ve found out a colleague at work and two aunts are pregnant. I felt happy for them and thought about what a wonderful gift bestowed on them by Allah, the Generous. I struggled with the knowledge that some didn’t expect the pregnancy or that it didn’t take long for them to conceive. A child is a gift from Allah the Almighty and they bring their own baraka (rewards). My aunt is struggling financially and subhanaAllah the foetus through Allah SWT brought some money in via my cousin (who doesn’t do this thing often). May Allah reward her for her efforts.

When I found out the pregnancy of these ladies, I struggled with my own need for a child. The idea that there must be something biologically wrong with me coupled with the desperation to fix it. I wanted to join their club. I wanted to be pregnant too. A possible solution could have been metformin. This is prescribed to some diabetics to help them conceive. The statistics are promising but unfortunately I haven’t been able to tolerate these tablets. I’ve recently been given the liquid version of metformin. I only took it once and I slightly struggled with it. It wasn’t as bad as the tablets. However, I have put this on hold until I get further medical advice.

Yahya is a symbol for all of us. It’s a sign of Allah SWT almighty power and the gifts he can bestow on who ever he wishes. However, sabr is keen with the understanding that certain things are beyond our wisdom. That is Allah knows best. As I was travelling to work, all I kept thinking was I need to listen to Surah Maryam. When I switched on the IPod and read the Ayat above, the tears started flowing out. Then the release emerged. It felt so good. Allah gave me hope in my heart. InshaAllah if it is meant to be then no medical problem or anything else (i.e. psychological), which could be stopping conception, can prevent Allah SWT from grant you or me a child. I also recommend getting a copy of Sisters Magazine with the article “Barren but blessed”. It is a moving, touching real life story of a sister’s struggle to have a baby. This has also kept me going because she says towards the end of the article (apologies for spoiling it for those that like to find things out for themselves) that she is so happy Allah SWT didn’t give her her own child as adoption gave her something better. SubhanaAllah.

Please make dua for all those struggling with fertility including me!

Mother and Daugther

2009-02-11T08:31:00.000-08:00

The hardest part of moving out is leaving my mum. Fortunately, I will only be down the road from her but it’s not the same. We’ve helped each through the good, the bad and the ugly! I suppose a real test of any relationship is how you handle the difficult times and my mum has always been my rock. My mum has seen me make some bad decisions and not judged me for it and then with the usual cakes, chocolate, crisps and ribena we have celebrated the high times. I think both my mum and I are more like sisters than mother and daughter.

Sometimes the roles have been reversed where I have taken charge like a mother especially when she was diagnosed with diabetes. My mum has always had the spirit of a fighter but this has withered over the years with her health. What comforts both of us is knowing that Allah SWT only tests the one he loves and I know Allah the Greatest loves my mum.

My mother is a beautiful lady with fair complexion. She is constantly been mistaken for being a French revert! MashaAllah. My mum loves to say I look like her but I don’t; I look like her more like my dad who has a dark, typical Saudi complexion. (My dad is very lucky to have a beautiful all rounded wife.) However, these comments are typical of my mum who sees the best in me and my brothers and sisters and yes in that way I’m more like her.

She has always welcomed people in a loving manner and encouraged me to help others. I remember when my mum was struggling financial and instead of crying and feeling depressed, she went to social services and asked for help. She didn’t want to see her kids without the basics. I asked my mum the other day whether she thought it would be ridiculous of me to shave off all my hair. (I wasn’t going to do the Britney thing, just a joke, although I’ve been told that if one shaves off their hair it will grow back stronger and thicker but I’m not willing to test that theory. Anyone tried it or anyone willing to test this theory?) My mum responded by advising me that I could do anything that made me happy. My brother quickly butted it and told me to behave! I believe that for a person who came into the UK knowing no English, having no friends or family for support and raising 5 kids then Jinna is InshaAllah the only place for her. As Allah SWT says “Jinna is underneath the mother’s feet”. InshaAllah I can take away the qualities my mum gave to me for my own children InshaAllah. It’s been a pleasure my beautiful mother. XOXOXO

The Latest!

2009-02-10T10:48:00.003-08:00

I haven’t paid much attention to my blog since I got back from Hajj. I’ve been feeling spiritually uplifted and organising various tasks in my life.

I have some good news. I’ve got a flat! Alhamdulliah, Allah the Alighty has granted both my husband and I a wonderful 1 bedroom flat. The rent is reasonable and hubby is using all his time to decorate. He loves it and we are both happy. JazakAllah khair to all your duas.

There are lots of things I want to buy and have decided to go for a beige and chocolate brown theme with a twist of white, black and cream. The bedroom is green and yellow. I re-did the original colours of the bedroom, as I wanted to express my colourful side in one of the rooms. These colours seemed the best. I think I need to buy some useful boxes or cupboards to create room for all my clothes and bits and bob. Not much storage or general space so any advice? I ended buying a few abayas over the weekend. My sister recommended a shop, which sells beautiful abayas, and fortunately the sister was having a sale. I couldn’t resist. I spent more money than I should have!! Could have bought tables and chairs with it but I’m also trying to make an effort to feel and look gorgeous. I need to go and put some highlights in my hair! I used to go to the hair dresses every 8 weeks or when I felt depressed. Used to make me feel good for a few days but it never solved any problems. I was hoping naïvely, new hair- new life. How wrong was I?! Well, it felt like a good start for a bit and then the problems crept back in and the red highlights didn’t give me any inspiration on how to overcome them. If anything, they made me more silly! LOL

The next few months will probably be the most testing. InshaAllah, I will be starting IVF. I had the consultation with the doctor and I agreed with my husband I was ready to start the procedure asap. It’s going to be both an exciting and stressful time. The whole procedure will take 6 weeks. Please make dua that it’ll be successful!

Also, I’ve successfully applied for a new job! SubhanaAllah the baraka of Hajj has brought so many wonderful things. All the praise and thanks belong to Allah SWT. Allah the Almighty is so wonderful, caring and merciful. When one sabrs, one does get the reward from Allah SWT. I’m really happy with this new opportunity and InshaAllah, I will be doing policy work which should challenge me in new skills. Ameen. Please thank Allah in your duas for giving me and you all the rewards of life. I will of course do the same.

My Family

2009-02-07T11:01:00.000-08:00

My little princess.

Cousin and the Cat.

Sweet cousins (who are brothers).

Tom and Jerry

The rest of the family (only joking)!

Hajj 1429 (2008)

2008-12-23T08:33:00.000-08:00

Hajj is a pilgrimage a Muslim person takes once in their lifetime. It is the largest annual pilgrimage in the world. It is the fifth pillar of Islam, an obligation that must be carried out at least once in our lifetime by every able-bodied Muslim who can afford to do so. It is a demonstration of the solidarity of the Muslim people, and our submission to Allah.

The Hajj is associated with the life of Prophet Muhammed peace and blessing be upon him (PBUH), but the ritual of pilgrimage to Makkah stretches back to the time of Ibrahim and Isma'il. Pilgrims join processions of hundreds of thousands of people, who simultaneously converge on Makkah for the week of the Hajj, and perform a series of rituals. As part of the Hajj, each person walks counter-clockwise seven times around the Kaaba, the cube-shaped building which acts as the Muslim direction of prayer (qibla); runs back and forth between the hills of Al-Safa and Al-Marwah; drinks from the Zamzam Well; goes to the plains of Mount Arafat to stand in vigil; and Jamara (throws stones in a ritual Stoning of Satan). The pilgrims then shave their heads, perform an animal sacrifice, and celebrate the three day global festival of Eid al-Adha.

Both my husband and I wanted to take this trip of a life time while we were still young. Given my diabetes, I didn't think it would be fair on myself and Allah to wait until it was either too late or my body wouldn't allow me to complete all the rituals. Also, the journey would allow me to be spiritually closer to the Almighty, rid my sins, bless my marriage and help me start a new chapter in my life. I had the idea of Hajj instilled in my head for about three years thanks to my best friend. May Allah reward her. I was waiting for my husband and the right time to take this journey and it came. All the highest praise and thanks belong to Almighty Allah. Honestly, as I write this blog, I still can't believe I took this amazing journey. Alhamdula.

About three million pilgrims participated in this year’s pilgrimage. The Saudi government invested millions to accommodate us all and I have to say they did a brilliant job! We were received with open arms and given food parcels at various stops. This warmth rippled with my group who were from all over the world. We were like a mini version of the rest of the millions that had flocked for Hajj. This mix helped to form new bonds, encourage team work, patience and importantly we were able to support the weak and elderly.

The group leaders advised on various tours including visiting the graves of the Prophet Mohammed’s (PBUH) companions. However, I was anxious to see the Ka’ba. I had to keep pinching and reassuring myself that I was in Saudi Arabia about to take the same path as the Prophet (PBUH) did. I kept thinking maybe this isn’t my time and someone was going to tell me to get back on the plane!! I remember on the coach trying my best not to see the Ka’ba because I wanted my first look to be special. I believed the Ka’ba was taller than the Masjid Al Haram (Mosque where the Ka’ba is located) but, when I approached the Ka’ba I was greeted by the magnificent Masjid and had to enter the centre of it to see the Ka’ba. It was amazing! Even though the Masjid surrounded the Ka’ba, its stature overshadowed the mosque. I took a step back and contemplated. I felt my heart fill with love for Allah, peace and closeness to the Almighty.

My next big challenge was the Jamara. My family and some protective Iraqi ladies didn't want me to do the Jamara. They all believed that because I'm a diabetic, I would end being killed by completing this act. I understood their fear especially as so many unnecessary deaths occured here but wanted to prove to myself, them and importantly my love for Allah SWT. Nothing was going to stop me! The Jamara is usually packed with a lot of people who get very excited about this ritual and rightly so. The Jamara marks Ibrahim’s belief in Allah by throwing the stones at Satan when he tried to stop Ibrahim sacrificing his son for Allah. It symbolises ones belief in one Allah and overcoming ones internal battle especially with Satan. I honestly thought, I was going to die at the Jamara. I made peace with the idea of death as I felt spiritually uplifted and ready to see Allah in Paradise. So, when the moment came to throw the seven stones, I felt this huge burst of emotional energy. I cannot describe the feeling but I felt my spirit lift which helped me complete each act perfectly of throwing the stones within Jamara. Trust me; I failed at all ball games!! I then felt cleansed. A sense of peace washed over me. I wanted to cry but kept my emotions in check in front of my group! For the first time in my life, I experienced true inner peace.

The day of Arafat is considered the most important day of Hajj. It was filled with togetherness by everyone supplicating to Allah. I had all my books ready and found a spot in my tent to concentrate on Allah. I had a terrible hypo (low blood sugar) which forced me to lay down for most of Arafat. But Allah SWT still made it easy for me as I was able to do my supplications. I was also comforted and supported by ladies within my tent and my husband ensuring all my needs were taken care of. Alhamdula. My whole body felt at ease because it was naturally doing what it was born to do. Worship Allah. I laid down on the carpet and was fortunate enough to be next to a gap in between the carpets to feel the sand beneath me. It was too hot to go to the Mountain of Arafat and the sand allowed me to connect to Allah by contemplating on his sublime creations. The day seemed to go so quickly and as the heat subsided I was able to join others outside our tents and watch the sun go down as if into the mountains. The colours - red, orange, yellow and purple were amazingly floating next to each other. It was if they symbolised this equality amongst differences. I used the opportunity to join others in making further supplication to Allah. I still had this sense of peace which grew further in Arafat. It was wonderful to see everyone joined in prayers especially as they were all peaceful and tranquil. We were all equal, rich and poor, young and old, black and white. All the men were wearing their Ihram (two pieces of white cloth) and the women dressed in simple abayas. I’m not sure of anywhere else or any situation where people are so equal, together and peaceful especially in the sight of Allah?!

SubhanAllah, Allah made this journey easy for me and my husband in the sense that the ZamZam water stabilised my blood sugars and I didn't feel tired walking from Mina to Makkah. Allah also brought a special lady into my life who I shared emotions and experiences with especially when things got low (which alhamdula was very rare). It was an amazing experience. Life-changing. Made my problems, worries and day to day life feel unimportant. I felt like I was in my natural habitat, doing what I was born to do. When one lets go and does what their natural being was created for it then all falls into place and the peace comes swiping in. I was ready to come back home with this peace and to spread it to others.

The big step is to maintain the goodness of Hajj. Keep my slate as clean as possible. I'm trying to hold on to the peace and avoid the cinema and TV. This is going to be a bit tricky as I have used them too often as a form of escape. InshaAllah, I become a better person.

I made many realisations from Hajj:

1. Turn to Allah as only Allah can help you. Make 2 raka's and read the Qur'an especially when you are down.
2. Never have doubt that your duas during Hajj have not been accepted.
3. Create a prayer space and try to pray with people in your house.
4. Read daily the Qur'an and books on our beloved Prophet (PBUH).
5. Read on the Prophets (PBUH) wives and then the caliph’s.
6. Always send your praises to the Prophet (PBUH), family and the companions.
7. Believe that everything has a reason.
8. Only love for the sake of Allah SWT.
9. Have sabr (patience).
10. 40 days after Hajj your duas are accepted.

InshaAllah, I'll try and remember some more.

I send my peace and blessing to our beloved Prophet (PBUH), his family and the companions.

May Allah accept my Hajj and that of all the Muslims. Please make dua!

May Allah forgive me if I have made any mistakes in this post.

The Dream is within your grasp

2008-11-18T12:32:00.000-08:00

Reading, writing, arithmetic's - The starting talents to greater things

We need maps and plans - a sense of direction to build that way

Keep it alive, big and wonderful. Who cares what they say!

Shout it on the roof tops, tell the other half, and buy a promotional slot on TV

Hear it just hear that dream come alive

Mohammed (PBUH), Dr King, Nelson Mandela, Barak Obama and Marian Williamson to name but a few

Let’s learn and make our mark in the world

They will say it's ridiculous, they will say you're mad

But who will have the last laugh when the millions roll your way

Frustration belongs to loser

As at times it will be hard, crazy and hopeless

Let the tears roll down

Get the support

Destroy that stress - Laugh, pray, listen or visualise - bang, bang, bang its gone!

Keep your family, friends and supporters near and positive energy killers afar

30 years in the making and the success is yours!

Believe in me, you and I

Come on I dare you, DREAM!!

Being tested

2008-11-05T11:21:00.001-08:00

I’ve been reflecting on issues facing me at work such as development, the people I work with and of course my manager!! I keep hoping that I will end up with a job that will better me, people who are absolutely fantastic, working with role model Muslimah’s and feeling constantly chilled but working hard. How wonderful would that be?

At the moment, I have a Muslim manager who is failing to practice the morals and kindness our deen teaches us. In particular, I wanted to mentor a sister to help her overcome challenges at work and develop her. Unfortunately, my manager rejected the idea on the basis that I may go against what they advice. For me, mentoring is not focusing on what a manager tells a person what to do or contradicting them but how best to fulfil their obligations of what they are supposed to do i.e. build and strength their existing skills.

My manager tests me in more ways than I can handle both mentally and emotionally. Our relationship has improved as of late but 1 step forward ends up being 10 steps back when they do things like refusing to allow me to mentor a sister. I’ve even tried to agree with them on a lot things but this has just ended up frustrating me and made me lose even more hope that I can ever bring some positive light in helping her change for the better.

I realised but only recently that they are a challenge from Allah SWT. For a few months, I have to say I was failing! My manager is not the easiest person to get along with especially as they lack communication skills, tact and emotion. There is a unanimous vote on this! I know they are not perfect but part of me believed whether naively or not that as a Muslim they would show more compassionate and support. How wrong was I?! Please see previous posts on my manager.

I’m at the point now, where I feel (but with some unease) that some Muslim people wish not to practice their deen or seek hasan by helping their fellow Muslim brothers and sisters especially at work. I got into a vicious circle of back biting about them and feeling almost hate towards them (astagfrAllah). Alhamula, this changed once I realised that Allah SWT was testing me. I was watching Islam Channel and a Sheika said that if we recognise that a test is from Allah SWT then we have half passed it and then we should thank Allah SWT for not testing our deen and not providing a bigger test i.e. losing your job!

I’ve tried to make peace with my manager but I still wouldn’t consider them a friend even though they confided in me that they have found a possible person to marry. My husband believes that they have a poor attitude and take it out on others because they need a spouse to fulfil their needs! May Allah SWT bless this possible union and make their spouse a person that will soften their heart. Ameen. I kind of feel awkward discussing such personal matters and going into deep conversation with them especially about the deen as I don’t feel comfortable around them. Once, they started shouting at me when we were discussing prayer times!! I realised that it would be better to keep silent especially on the deen as I don’t believe in shouting about it particularly as the Prophet Mohammed (PBUH) discouraged such behaviour.

There have been a few issues I’ve had to manage but not always successfully. Its been a struggle trying to be the better person. It’s hard because they have made me cry and suffer unnecessarily. At one point, I wanted them to disappear but quickly realised that Allah SWT is with me and what goes around comes around. Also, my sister kindly reminded me that if you say a bad thing to a Muslim person then they will get your hasan. I want to keep mine! LOL. I suppose it’s a struggle we might all face especially when it comes to being a better person. I often remember my manager in prayers and wish not to make dua for them and this has been hard. I think (and maybe someone can advice) that if I made dua for that person who has caused me hardship then I may get a reward for it? My heart believes this is true but let me know what you think.

May Allah help me pass this test and grant me a better manager. Ameen. Please make dua for me.

My First Witness of a Shahada

2008-10-13T10:55:00.000-07:00

I joined an Islamic Sunday class, which is intended for new Muslims, those interested in the deen or people who want to increase their knowledge of Islam. I’ve been attending the class on and off for about a year but the last few months I’ve been very good and been going quite regularly. The topics have been more interesting. Plus I wanted to seek the correct knowledge from a trusted Shaykh. I should add that it took a few months but I finally was able to get into flow of the Shaykh’s English. Poor thing, he was trying his best to make the lecture as fluent as possible but ended up getting himself caught up with complex words and his accent. Alhamdula, May Allah reward him – I am now able to pick up most of what he is saying.

The Shaykh has been fantastic in finding the middle ground on all topics especially hot issues like Suni and Shia. He said that we have no right to say one sect is right or wrong. That is up to Allah SWT but that we should remember to follow the Quran and Hadith and InshaAllah we will not go wrong.

I’ve always been able to collect useful tips and guidance about the deen like the Prophet (PBUH) encouraging people not to be proud or shy to ask questions! This has helped me realise that if the Prophet (PBUH) wanted us to do such acts then why should I stop myself putting this into practice in the deen and other aspects of my life!!! But practice makes perfect so, I am still working on this.

The class has a mixture of people and I love seeing the reverts or those interested in the deen attend. I especially love the fact that I get to see more than one new face attend the lessons. I’ve made some good friends and in particular had a wonderful surprise in this week’s class.

A young Asian lady had been attending the class wearing a hijab who I managed to have a few conversations with her. I of course automatically assumed she was Muslim and I had a wonderful surprise when she informed me that she was taking the Shahada. She said that the moment for her had come about in the class, literally there and then, when someone asked her if she was a Muslim. It told them straight out that she had the intention to take Shahada but wanted to do it when the time was right and that it was now. So, the moment was set for her and there was no stopping her. I and three other ladies sat next to her and the Shaykh asked her questions to ensure that she understood what she was doing and that she was ready. She was fluent and her answers convinced me! Then the amazing bit happened. The Shaykh started to ask her to pronoun the Shahada in Arabic. She was nervous, trembling. I could feel her nervous vibration, which set me off. I wanted to hold her hand but I didn’t want to stop her flow. When she said: “There is no god but Allah” that did it for me. It was as if I was taking the Shahada for the first time, like I was feeling Allah for the first time. It was amazing, overwhelming, spiritually uplifting and one tear managed to come out of my eye!!! The lady started crying and for me that confirmed her belief in Allah and that she was ready despite her worry that her family would react very badly. It also made me realise why I already thought she was a Muslim. She was already acting, talking and had an aura of a Muslimah. (Oh Allah, the feelings are flooding back as I write and my eyes are starting to fill up.) We were all caught up by the moment of spiritual bliss that we forgot to congratulate her until a man prompted us and we all took turns to kiss and cuddle her. She needed it and I could see that with sisters like this to support her then InshaAllah she would only grow. Also, despite being treated badly by Muslim prisoners and hearing awful stories on Islam, this proved that if one believes in Allah and wants to seek knowledge on Islam then if it is meant to be they will revert. There is no compulsion in religion just the right intention.

She told me that she was a Sikh and had heard terrible things about Islam until she met a man in prison who she had been giving career advice to. He helped her question her religion and the way her family practiced. She said that before this incident, it didn’t cross her mind to question what was the norm for her, what seemed right and practical. She explained that in her heart she only believed in one Allah and that she didn’t see the point of a priest being her pathway to Allah especially as they are human. Islam appealed to her but it took her sometime to take the Shahada because she couldn’t change what was haram about her lifestyle overnight. This is a classic problem, which unfortunately both non-Muslims and Muslims face alike. Alhamdullah, a revert lady helped her overcome this fear. It also gave me the opportunity to direct her to Aminah Assilmi. (Please see this fantastic video!) I informed her that this woman helped me realise why I needed to wear the hijab and the next day I wore it and alhamdula I’m still wearing to this day. Aminah explains that things need to be done “slowly, slowly” otherwise one will just become overwhelmed and go back to their old ways. InshaAllah it gave her some comfort. She still has a fantastic journey to take especially after she takes her bath and what the Shaykh called it “you will be like a brand new baby”. LOL

May Allah continue to guide this lady and many other Muslims, reverts or those interested in Islam to the straight path.

Constructive Criticism

2008-09-29T02:50:00.000-07:00

I have to admit I don’t handle constructive criticism very well. It’s one of those things that back dates to primary school.

Usually people react to criticism by avoiding it, taking it to heart or reacting aggressively to it. Criticism can be helpful if it is specific, acknowledges positives, is calm, to the point, doesn't stereotype or label people and is focused on a person's behaviour rather than an attack on the person.
I tried to google for some tips on how to best handle such situations and this is what I call the good girl answer:
Here are some tips to use criticism assertively:
• Face and listen to criticism rather than avoid it.
• Don't take it to heart.
• React calmly and respect others rights, there is no point attacking the person.
• Be prepared for constructive criticism.
• See constructive criticism as useful to everyone concerned. Being open to constructive criticism can be tough at first. Remember, you too can make constructive criticism. This does not include blaming, put-downs or attempting to hurt someone to get what you want.

I read this a few times but it didn’t inspire confidence within me. I wanted a more cracking solution than the textbook answer.

When someone offers compliments first, and then goes on to point out the errors, likely as not, they are offering constructive criticism with good intentions.
I believe that how to determine if the criticism is right or wrong is never take one person's criticism seriously, but take two or three of the same opinions more seriously. One person can be wrong, two people may be wrong, but if you hear the same criticism from three different people, you may want to pay attention.
However, even in a situation where four people have the same criticism it doesn't necessarily mean they are right. Remember, the film "Titanic" was criticized harshly by several film critics.

Criticism should be viewed like a jury returning from deliberating in a criminal trial. When a criminal is accused of a crime, we don't put it in the hands of three jurors or even six. We put it in the hands of twelve.

However, there is a right and wrong way to criticise. Constructive criticism is given by someone who is honestly pointing out what they believe to be errors in an attempt to help you correct them. Destructive criticism is a blatant put-down with every intention of making you look bad. The key is to recognize the difference.

Ramadan

2008-09-17T12:36:00.000-07:00

This is my first official fast for Ramadan. As a diabetic, I was told never to fast because it would make me ill. However, with development of DNA insulin this has meant that I am now able to fast.

Basically, insulin can be split into two. Background insulin, which covers sugars that the liver dumps, and quick acting insulin, which is used for carbohydrates that I eat. So, to fast I have to take my background and quick acting insulin at sahoor. It is important that I take my background insulin at set times so 4am and then again at 8pm in order to keep my sugars stabilised. I do not need to take any more insulin until Iftar. It is important that if you are a diabetic, you understand your illness and seek medical advice before fasting.

I had a few teasing problems with getting the right amount of insulin into my system which meant I haven’t been able to fast some of the first 15 days of Ramadan. I started having low blood sugars, which meant I had to break my fast otherwise Allah (SWT), would consider it to be invalid.

I’ve felt left out during Ramadan for the obvious reason that my diabetes wouldn’t allow me to fast. I wanted to feel that hunger, patience, experience what the poor go through, self-control and importantly being close to Allah (SWT). At one point, I felt a fraud because I found it hard to do 20 taraweh prayers even though my belly was full all day from enjoying all the wonderful food my parents prepared. Now that I more empowered myself with the knowledge of the deen, I believe that my illness was given to me for a reason especially in helping others who cannot afford insulin. I also realised that Allah (SWT) forgave me and others with illnesses especially to ease possible hardship. It is all about the intention and wanting to better oneself as a Muslim but without putting oneself in danger.

May Allah (SWT) make this Holy and best of all months a blessed one for all the Ummah. May Allah (SWT) accept everyone’s fast, prayers, duas, sadaqah and zakat. May Allah (SWT) make us stronger and better Muslims. May Allah (SWT) send us all to jina faradous. Ameen.

Ode To a Best Friend

2008-09-12T15:18:00.000-07:00

Can you see her?
Glowing, shining, a breathe of fresh air
Don't blink! One sight of her will illuminate the darkest of hearts
Can you see her?
Pink, green, blue and brown. They represent the shades of her fantastic aura
Don't blink! Her beauty shines like a starry night and those that see her will know her light
Can you see her?
Kindness, love, books and thoughts. All part and parcel of a special soul
Don't blink! You will miss that meaningful message which only she possesses
Can you see her?

Time Wasting

2008-08-20T10:31:00.000-07:00

I’m bored out of my wits end and don’t have the confidence to take on extra work in case my manager abuses my honesty. I also get quite bored between 6 and 8pm. I really don’t want to start watching the Wonder Years with my sister (which starts at 7pm) because Kevin over analyse situations and I find the whole show rather depressing!! However, my sister sees the funny side of his dilemmas including being in love with his teacher, while my grandmother who doesn’t understand English thinks its all terrifying bad education especially when she sees Kevin looking at his teacher in a loving way. She then asks whether British education system encourages such behaviour and if we have fallen in love with our teachers? So, I’m thinking, Big Sis why don’t you do something worthwhile?

I’ve got a collection of books, which need to be read, however, I’m currently reading the Sealed Nector. I’m enjoying this book, which has made me cry, but I still can’t get into books. I feel that it takes me quite a lot to concentrate on a book because I analyse states and situations. It’s a habit, which leaves me reading a book for months! I’m not exaggerating, I started re-reading the Quran last Ramadan and I’m now on Surat 30. I don’t think I will finish the Quran to restart it for Ramadan. The irony of this is that I love being surrounded by books and their stories.

I think for me visualising something is more interesting and appealing than reading it. That’s probably why I love the cinema so much. However, I want my life to be more interesting than TV and cinema! I’m trying to take a new approach to life, career and ambitions and that is to question whether I’m doing something for others or myself. I want to be happy and content with my decision making process but I think this is a journey which will take more practice. So as I make those life decisions inshaAllah, I make them for the best.

Holy Month of Shaban

2008-08-12T04:28:00.000-07:00

As we have entered the Month of Shaban lots of thoughts are coming to my mind regarding how I can improve myself as a Muslimah and become closer to Allah. Shaban is an opportunity to prepare oneself for Ramadan. The Prophet (PBUH) used to fast all of Shaban. “I never saw the Messenger of Allah, fasting in a month so profusely as he did the month of Shaban. He used to fast in that month leaving only a few days, rather, he used to fast almost the whole of the month”. (Reported by Aisha RA).

I think the best place to start is to examine how you pray. Ensure that your wudu follows the proper etiquettes and that you are following the right procedures for praying. One can increase the amount of time spent reading the Qu’ran (i.e.10 minutes a day and then keep increasing it) and making dikka. There is a fantastic pocket size dua book called Fortress of a Muslim which has duas ranging from when you feel pain to when it rains which one can start using if they want to have wider knowledge of the kind of duas one can make especially during Ramadan.

Use the opportunity Shaban brings to seek more knowledge. If you haven’t read it, try and get a copy of the Sealed Nector, which is a biography of the Prophet Mohammed (PBUH) life and is critically acclaimed by scholars. Shaban is an opportunity to examine oneself and reflect on past mistakes. Don’t dwell too much on the mistakes but use this thought process as a way to move forward and stop them happening again inshaAllah. I suppose for me its about the small things like not wearing my hijab when opening the front door or uncontrollably judging someone for wearing tight clothes with hijab! InshaAllah, I will continue to try and stop myself from doing these things and remember that in particular that this sister may have a stronger imam than I do!

Night of Bara’ah or ‘the night of freedom from the fire’ falls on 15th day of Shaban; Allah (SWT) comes down to the lowest heaven and asks his servants –“Is there any person repenting so that I forgive him, and any person seeking provision so that I provide for him, and any person with distress so that I relieve him, and so on until dawn”. (Reported by Ibn Majah) This is an opportunity to ask for forgiveness, make dua for good health, happiness and things you, your family and the Ummah needs in this life and the hereafter. This is a fantastic opportunity to revive the spirit and renew our closeness to Allah (SWT). May Allah accept your prayers, duas and intentions in this Holy Month.

Learning to listen to the body

2008-08-08T12:22:00.000-07:00

I applied for a job as a Communication Manager to help me get away from my manager but more importantly to get me into a more challenging role. I didn’t want to get myself in a position where I wanted to fuss over my application but worked on a balancing my need not to stress vs making it a winning application.

I was content that I had produced a winning application. It seemed to tick all the right boxes and produce all the right answers. I waited weeks to hear the results of my application and on Friday 1st August I found out that I was unsuccessful. The reason being, I didn’t produce enough information on being a mentor and how I have helped myself improve within an organisation. What a joke! Alhamdula, the job was not meant for me as Allah has better plans for me.

A year ago, my attitude to this would have been I’m a failure or I should have got the job. It didn’t enter my psyche that Allah knows what is best for me. Something that we see is good maybe bad for us and something we see as bad maybe good for us. It’s a matter of putting things in Allah’s hands. I also believe that the feedback I received was not constructive in the sense that if there were valid problems with my application and areas I could have improved then they should have said so. However, it was like finding a needle in a haystack with all that unnecessary feedback. All I was reminded of was how articulate my application was but that didn’t really answer my question of how could I improve?

I suppose in light of all of this I’m happy that I received some positive feedback as I still have the determination to continue to find opportunities to climb the civil service ladder. I’ve decided not to complete my Law degree, as I would be doing it for all the wrong reasons. Alhamdulliah, I believe that this decision is right for me and I m slowly become content with it. Plus an added bonus to this decision is that my stomach pains have become less frequent since I made this decision!!

Appearances can be deceiving

2008-07-25T10:23:00.000-07:00

I have been having infrequent discuss with a lady at work about goals in life. She is an intelligent, thoughtful, well-dressed pretty woman. She seems to ooze confidence and energy for life. I had this picture in my head of various achievements in her life like a degree, husband and well travelled. However, after a long discussion, she made me realise that appearances can be deceiving.

She had studied three years for a degree but had failed or dropped out due to difficult circumstances in her life. She explained that her father had died when she was young and her mother worked and brought up her, her brother and sister. She then went on to tell me she was 36 years old (I honestly believed she was 28) and had come to peace with not completing her degree. She expressed she was happy and content with her achievements but she could not hide the fact that there was something missing in her life. Maybe a husband? I dared not to ask!! She was brought as a Christian but was not practicing. She carried herself with respect, honesty, dignity and humility; qualities I believe are Islamic. However, what made her even more interesting was the fact that she had helped her mum to raise her brother and sister. She stills lives at home and it appeared to me that her mum is a strong source of comfort and love for her. Her mum gave her the freedom to go away to university but unfortunately that did not work out for her. I loved the fact that she was content with not going back to uni. She is proud of who she is and what she has achieved. I want this - InshaAllah! However, subhanAllah, she came into my life at time when I am struggling to make sense of my academic achievements. My current battle with whether I want to go to uni has been with me for seven years! The time has come for me to make a decision and I don’t want to defer for another year. For me, I believe it’s either now or never. I don’t want this decision to be the vane of my existence (I know, it is putting it strongly but unfortunately my emotions are running high on this subject). May Allah help me make the right decision.

I look back and I think back to all the things I have achieved compared to what I haven’t. I think the proudest moment of my academic life was representing my husband in Immigration Tribunal Court and finding out that I had won his case. Hooray! I want to hold on to these achievements regardless of whether I go back to uni or not.

I think the moral to this story is firstly, don’t judge a book by its cover, be happy and content with your life as Allah knows what’s best and even if you are 36, not married, no kids and no degree – just enjoy what you have in life and keep making achievable goals. I will try to put this into practice especially in analysing whether getting a degree is an achievable goal.

Will I or Won't I?

2008-07-21T12:39:00.000-07:00

I have warned myself off from apologies for not doing my blog for sometime because I read somewhere that you shouldn’t! I half agree but I feel that since I want to help others than an apology is due to those who have been waiting for my next blog!!!

A lot has happened and this has left me with little time to write a blog and some of my vava voom has been sucked out of me to write something meaningful. However, the juices are following a moment and I’m going to talk about aspirations.

At the moment, I am trying to decide on whether to accept a place at university to study Law. I really am stuck! I am torn by my previous bad experience of studying mixed with the fear of not getting a First Class degree and pulled by the fact that I have work and family commitments. I realised the other day that I spent more time helping my mum with odd jobs than studying for my degree. I got into the classic trap of not saying ‘no’ and sacrificing my needs for that of others. Alhamdulliah, I realise this now and InshaAllah I can move forward from this. A big part of moving forward though will be me getting my own place with of course hubby! Please make dua.

I have been running around like a headless chicken trying to figure what I want to do with my life. My dad told me the other day that he was very happy I was going back to uni but thought I should have done that a long time ago!! I remember only yesterday him telling me that I should move on from the notion of uni. Nevermind! It’s these small little things that weigh me down and make my decision making process very hard. I’m like this child who either wants it one way or no way at all. For instance, my immediate reaction to my dad’s response is not to go to uni as I don’t want to do it for him and I don’t want him to put unnecessary pressure on me as he did before. The child within me needs to be understood and allowed to mature. However, I’m not quite sure how I’m going to go about this. Any psychologist/ physiotherapists out there?

Well, I need to make a decision soon as I need to enrol by October or maybe in two weeks. (Need to double check.) I believe that it would be great to do an assignment and get some wonderful feedback on it, to rediscover the law, meet new people (and make life long friends) and get my degree. Part of me believes that I will regret it if I don’t get my degree. I don’t want more regret in my life. I have enough of them. InshaAllah, I will go to uni this year. I’ve done my guidance prayer and I will leave the rest to Allah (SWT).

The blues

2008-06-26T11:02:00.001-07:00

My best friend recommended that I try and find a way to release my blues but in a constructive manner. She suggested I should think more about my senses to see how best I could utilise them in order to feel less like throttling my manager and more like drawing a picture of butteries to release my misery energy. What’s yours? What senses do you use the most: Visual? Maybe it’s drawing or doodling? Aural? Maybe its music or singing or nasheeds. Is it sensual? Maybe it’s massage, breathing or meditation. However, my best friend’s advice came with a caution: She wouldn't recommend taste, as one could use it to substitute food for work because one can get so bored. This could then lead to health problems, as one is more likely to want a sugar fix than a fruit fix.

I may need to try a few things like writing more for my blog to see whether that really helps. I love chatting and getting things out. However, my manager does see eye to eye on me going off to chat to work colleagues even though I get my work done and it’s also important to have regular breaks away from my computer. Alhamdulliah.

I’ve been trying to finds in which to express myself constructively. I have thought about boxing (my brother has the whole gear at home.) I haven’t done it long enough to see if it works – However, it made me mad about people, which was not really getting me anywhere. I really want to join the gym. My husband laughs at me when I say that as last time I went which was 9 months ago I complained of so many pains that I never returned. Everyone, including my doctors keep telling me I need to exercise more! Well, I have a problem as last time I went to the gym, the male instructor kept touching my legs and arms to get me in the right positions for the routines but I didn’t have the confidence to tell him to get lost! It’s hard to find a gym near me that caters to Muslim women. There are some but that are too far away! I need to come up with a plan where I can attend my local gym and feel secure in the fact that I’m not jeopardise my security as a Muslim woman. Suggestions welcome.

At the moment, I am very much into films and restaurants (well the food in them!!). So maybe I can find my mojo through my visual and taste senses. I recently watched The Happening (Director M. Night Shyamalan of “Sixth Sense” and my personal favourite, “Signs”). I was kind of disappointed by the movie especially of generally what was happening to the people (I don’t want to spoil for those who may wish to see it). Also, it didn’t have the big revelation at the end which is what Shyamalan is good at. Shyamalan recently said in an interview that he was inspired by the film The Birds which basically uses the strategy of continuous tension and suspense to engage the audience but has no major revelation in the film. It basically meant to make people to pick up a popcorn and never put it down. A friend advised me to start doing reviews for films but for me that takes the joy of watching them. I don’t like the idea of analysing something in order to come up with a clever critical analyse of it. Also, I have this thing of seeing work as being a mundane task which if I started reviews would take the fun out of watching films. However, being the optimistic person that I am maybe I will become a film critic but for halah films.

How to get dividends from life

2008-06-19T11:06:00.000-07:00

I’ve been pondering for a few weeks about my decision making process. I noticed a pattern in that when the going gets tough, I get going! My sabr seems to be the size of a goldfish when it comes to difficult situations, which has landed me in hot water.

I took a step back and sat with a friend to help me analyse the reasons for my mad decision-making. This is what we came up with:

1. I do far too much for my family
2. I’ve allowed my family to rely on me to do the silliest things like organise and buy plane tickets, make appointments with doctors!!
3. I’ve not allowed other things in my life to empower me like my education and career.
4. I have not learned to say ‘no’ enough.
5. I use the problems I face with my family as an excuse to quit my education and job.
6. I need to realise that the pressure at home is far too much and that anyone in situation would have cracked by now!
7. I need to focus on me me me
8. I need to disassociate myself from many of my family’s problems.
9. I need to find the right opportunity to move out and not use the excuse of my family being too much as this is counter productive as the real problem is how I’ve allowed them to affect my life. This will also leave a bad feeling in my heart and won’t really solve the underlying problem.
Way forward – A few suggestions:

1. Understand my mistakes.
2. Learn to grow.
3. Feel positive about who and what I am.
4. Say positive things about myself as putting myself down will just make me less confident.
5. Stop listen to that annoying gremlin on my left shoulder who keeps breaking my confidence and self-esteem.
6. Strength my Imam.
7. Turn to Allah.
8. Be a better wife.
9. Travel to other countries.
10. Stop hating my manager.
11. Stop always giving people advice and let them learn for themselves.
12. Go on a mediation course.
13. Get my own place.

This list will keep growing and InshaAllah I can fulfil them ALL.

Try and make a list of your own.

Adoption

2008-06-10T11:27:00.000-07:00

I’ve just come back from a trip to Morocco that has left me slightly exhausted but has managed to fulfil a certain whole in my heart!

The purpose of my trip was two folds. Firstly, to see whether I could adopt a baby and fulfil my ambition of being a mother and also gain a wonderful hasana from Allah (TWT). Secondly, my grandmother was becoming seriously ill and I wanted to see whether I could help her out.

I did some research on the adoption procedure and the main issue was getting a Home Study Report from the UK. Unfortunately, British law lacks the compassion and drive to help couples adopt more easily and quickly. There are stringent procedures local authorities must follow which include having to intrude and investigate almost every aspect of a couples life before approval can be give to adopt a child. However, the chances of approval are not very high and can take up to a year to get this report. However, as a Muslimah, what brings me comfort in circumstances beyond my control is the fact the if Allah wants me to have something then no one can take it away from me. I just need to keep reminding myself of this.

I wanted to keep the purpose of my trip private due to the sensitive natures involved. However, once my aunt found out, it didn’t take long for the whole family to know. Allah (TWT) gave me a sense of peace because I had nothing to be ashamed of as only Allah (TWT) can give me a child. My family were supportive of my situation and reminded that I should sabr as I am still young and Allah (TWT) would grant me my own child. However, my feelings on this subject had become deep in that I wanted to adopt a child and show it love. I also wanted this feeling to bring me closer to Allah (TWT). I have to say that I did feel I was rushing into things in that I needed to prepare more before adopting a child as the suit case of baby clothes, dummies, a pram, baby car seat and love was not enough. However, I wanted to explore my options and let Allah lead me to the straight path.

Before I left I had a silly plan of how I would bring the baby over but part of me believed that it would be haram even though my intentions were honourable. So, I wanted to make sure I did everything the halah way. Within 2 days of my arrival in Morocco, I arranged with my Uncle to visit the adoption agency to see what documents were needed to adopt a child. The procedure seemed straightforward in that the couple had to be married, working, have a place to live and no criminal records. The papers would then be forwarded to the Court for approval and this would have taken a few months. Then the exciting bit happened, I was escorted to the orphanage to meet the children. I met 2 baby girls, 4 baby boys, 5 male toddlers, 1 handicapped boy and a 5 year old girl. It was wonderful! The first child I met was Aniss. He was a 6 month old boy who was crying in a pram. As soon as I ran up to him and lifted him up he stopped crying and started smiling and hugging me. It was such a beautiful moment. His smile lit up my heart and caused my whole body to smile. It was a blessing from Allah (TWT). I didn’t want to let him go but I also wanted to hug the other babies. They were all beautiful with their own sad stories. Aniss in particular was left under a tree to die before a stranger found him and took him to the orphanage. One of the baby’s was left at the orphanage by his mother who had suckled him for a few weeks and realised that without a father she could not financially take care of him. The carers at the orphanage begged her to take her son and even cried when she left, as they knew that the baby had bonded with its mother, which would leave him with a pain greater than the other babies. When I met this particular baby, it was still evident that there was some pain left within him even after a few months of being in the orphanage because when I put him down he started crying. He was anxious to be held, loved, wanted and cuddled. May Allah grant him and all orphans peace and a wonderful life.

My final stop in my investigation to adopt a child was at the British Embassy in Tangier. I wanted to see whether there was a more straightforward way of bringing a baby over without the need for a Home Study Report. Apparently, if Morocco had signed the Hague Convention then there was a possibility that I would not need this report. My hopes for adopting a child came to an end at the Embassy as there was no short cuts or easy solutions but to get this report. The Embassy did advice me to go ahead with the adoption and leave the baby with my family until I received the report. That was too horrible of a solution for both the baby and I. I would never have been able to tear myself away from my baby. However, I was not too heartbroken, a bit sad, a few tears but a sense of relief that I had gone about things the right way. InshAllah when I am ready I will try to get this report and adopt a child. I had at least tried.

This trip did have its ups and downs. However, the downs are overshadowed by the fact that I had a positive experience meeting these kids on several occasions even once with my husband. He found it too painful to return, as one child didn’t want to let him go when he left the orphanage. One of the sad things that is happening is the 2 baby girls I had met were adopted within a matter of weeks of arriving at the orphanage where as the boys and older children are finding it hard to be adopted. One theory is people’s genuine fear that the boys will turn out to be rebellious and less supportive than the girls especially when they discover that they have been adopted. I have to admit that my family persuaded me to adopt a girl. It didn’t take much persuasion as I have two brothers who I would have to say are not exactly the most easiest to have brought up and that is putting it mildly!!

The trip has also helped me realise that in time I will become a mum and that I should enjoy what Allah has given me now. Having a child is a huge responsibility. It is both mentally and physically draining. A friend of mine brought over her 20-day-old baby boy for me to take care of. I feed him, put him to sleep, changed him and basically didn’t want to put him down. He was so adorable. I loved every minute of it. However, the big test came at night. The night feeds were really hard and I kept worrying about whether he was comfortable enough and cot death (even though he was not sleeping in a cot!). His mum did sleep in the same room as me in case I needed some help but really she was fantastic as she left it all to me and trusted me to know what to do. Funny thing was, I was so desperate for him to stay awake so I could play with him that typically at 3am he wanted to play with me. I ended having to catch up on my sleep the next day. How pathetic! I was kind of relieved when they went home the next day, as I didn’t have the energy to take care of him nor the heart to leave him alone. I enjoyed the experience though and InshAllah I will get to experience looking after my own baby soon.

If anyone is considering adopting then go for it as the rewards are massive and remember how much goodness and benefit that you will InshAllah bring to that child.

Remember that for every orphan’s head you stroke, Allah (TWT) will grant you a hasana. May Allah (TWT) guide us all to the straight path and help the orphans lead a successfully happy Islamic life.

SABAR (Patience)

2008-05-10T14:24:00.000-07:00

There have been times in my life when I have made rash and impatient decisions in order to appease my heart. My lack of sabr has caused me more trouble then was worth and InshAllah through this blog I hope to help others and myself to see whether this pattern in my life can be changed.

My brash decision to go to ‘any’ university is possibly my earliest memory of my lack of sabr having a major impact on my life. I never thought the decision through with regards to which uni would be best for me and what my alternative were before I decided to go to uni. I needed first and foremost to appease my family in order to show them that I was going to uni to advance my education and career and live up to the dream of being a Solicitor. Secondly, I need to appease my hearts aching need to go to uni to finish my education and realise my dream of practicing law. Thirdly, I didn’t want others to be disappointed with me. One of my bad habits is caring too much about what other people think! This has to stop!! I felt like I had told the world I was going to become a Solicitor and I didn’t want the world to feel I was a failure or a liar. This has taken me almost six years to realise but I was going to uni for all the wrong reasons but I still have a long way to go before I can understand what this means and how best to move forward from this experience. Unfortunately, I still feel at times that I’m not ready for uni (even though I applied to do a Law degree this Winter) and that my critics would love it if I failed. I know I have to stop thinking like this as it hasn’t got me far and is making me want to run away from the situation even more. InshAllah, I can come to some conclusion to my answer and move on to making better decisions that are for ME.

After leaving uni – I needed something to mend my broken heart. I felt that it had taken so much out of me. I needed a quick fix to my problem and something that would give meaning to my life. Marriage seemed like the answer! It took a long time before my parents agreed and took me seriously but that wasn’t my problem. Unfortunately, my parents did not know anyone in UK that would be suitable for me so they suggested someone from Morocco. My first husband was part of the family but was not well known. Out of my desperation and pressure on my parents to find me someone asap, they agreed after meeting him that I should marry this guy. I didn’t get to know him and within a few days we had done our nikah. All seemed well at first and then the marriage broke down very quickly. I didn’t feel wanted by him and Shatan (may Allah curse him) aggravated my fears to the point that horrible rumours began emerging, which discredited my first husband. Alhamdulillah, the marriage was only meant to last for a short time in order for me to get closer to Allah. I tried to learn from my mistakes but I still had the desperation of getting married and settling down. However, Allah wanted me to wait 2 years before I met and married my husband. Allah helped me realise that I needed to find a person who would make the marriage last and that was through having a strong deen. Allah answered my prayers and made me happy! (Thank you Allah for everything you have given me and will give me.)

I believe that its ok to feel the need to take prompt action about something especially when it comes to our feelings because if we don’t deal with them they may lead to us committing haram or denying ourselves something that could truly make us happy. Also, these feelings are normal and cannot be ignored as Allah has given it to us for a reason. What I don’t agree with is my approach of rushing into things. I’m still trying to find a balance of (I’m not going to use the word appease as that for me it provides a negative connotation which does not denote a good balance) fulfilling my desire and needs with sabr. I appreciate that it takes time to learn sabr but I feel like I’m on the other side of the spectrum of not having any or enough sabr! In one of my recent blogs, I talked about wanting a baby and I found out that my next course of treatment would be IVF. I was so heartbroken that not only did the clomid not work but that I had to go on to IVF. For some reason, I honestly believed that there were other treatments not as intrusive and more to do with helping the fertility system along still available to me. Also, the waiting list for NHS treatment for IVF is 2 to 3 years long. This leads me to think about ‘quick fix’ solutions and the one I came up with was adoption. I almost went through adopting my uncle’s baby! Alhamdulillah, I saw the long-term problems in this and re-evaluated my options. I’ve come to the point that alhamdula, I have a loving husband (InshAllah we stay in love for the sake of Allah) and that I need time to allow things to InshAllah happen naturally and also enjoy life more!!

First Love

2008-04-25T12:16:00.001-07:00

During a person’s life time they maybe lucky to experience the joys of having and marrying their first love. It’s a wonderful and exciting feel which can take you to places like cloud 9! However, there are pitfalls of having a first love which can turn that experience into something of a nightmare. I would like to explore in this blog the idea of having a first love.

I like, many others have had a first love. It was exciting, new, liberating and explosive. I hadn’t really thought much of boys and wanted to keep my distance from them as I always believed they were more trouble than I could handle. However, once that feeling of wanting to be in love hit me it was something I didn’t want to let go. Unfortunately, I didn’t go about it in the right way. Even though he lived in a different country (which I am so grateful for) I kept the romance a secret for fear of what my parents may say and do. As you may have guessed they found out and it was quickly over. However, as a terrible consequence my relationship with my father changed forever. My father didn’t handle the situation very well. It took sometime before he comforted me about it when we were watching a documentary about arranged marriages in Islam. My father took the opportunity to snap at me and I remember wanting the earth to swallow me up. This experience has left a bruise in my heart which has meant I have been unable to watch T.V. with my father for the last 10 years! But I have to say this is more to with indecent programmes now!!

I feel that Allah has helped me realise over the years that my first love was not the most halal way of finding my soul mate. Allah has stipulated for a reason why we cannot have boyfriends or girlfriends! My grandmother told me of a Hadith which states that when a man and a woman are together (who are not married or a Mehram) then Shaitan (make Allah curse him) is the third person. He will try his best to force them to commit haram and he will not stop at nothing to succeeded! Alhamdula, Allah will give us a nudge of fear to get us out of that situation but sometimes we refuse to listen and then asgrafallah one has to suffer the consequence of their actions like falling pregnant.

We have to remember that marriage is half our deen and that Inshallah when you marry you will not have to live with the guilt of past mistakes of having experienced a haram relationship and also enjoy the fruits of being in a halah relationship! To be able to experience new and wonderful feelings is only really special when you are married, as you know that Inshallah they will further develop and, bring benefits like a child but more importantly that marriage can lead to Jina.

There is a clock within us that starts to blare loudly arousing our feelings for the opposite sex. If the feeling becomes too strong to handle and you are afraid of committing haram then that is the time to consider marriage!! Inshallah, by making the right intention and seeking Allah’s help the right person will come along but that doesn’t give you the excuse to sit at home waiting for your ‘knight in shining armour’ or your ‘beautiful princess’ to come swarming into your life. No, brothers and sisters – you need to make a concretive effort to make sure your expectations are REALISTIC and you create opportunities to find that special person. Opportunities like going to Islamic weddings, spreading the word through family and friends, attending Islamic talks and if all else fails going to the mosque and speaking to an Imam. I did that and he introduced me to a few respectable guys but they were not meant to be! One guy in particular made think more about how strong my imam was and whether I should start wearing the hijab. May Allah reward him for instilling these beneficial thoughts, which eventually lead me to search for someone who had a strong imam. I ended going back to my native home and that is where I found my husband. There is no shame in marriage and at the end of the day we all have a makatib (person written for us by Allah). A friend once told me that our souls have met the person we were destined to marry. Well, my soul was quite busy as I ended up marrying twice and Inshallah the second marriage is for life.

I pray to Allah that all my brothers and sisters marry a person who will strength their iman, love them for the sake of Allah and, are rewarded with children and Jina Fardous. Ameen.

A tip for everyone – When you are going to meet someone, please take a brother, sister, Mehram or good friend as you want to start the intention on an Islamic note and not let Shaitan (may Allah curse him) be the third person there. Inshallah that way you can be happy in the thought that you are in the right Islamic direction and possibly meeting you kindred spirit!

My supplication to Allah

2008-04-25T12:13:00.000-07:00

Oh Allah help me in my time of need! I cant handle being managed by her.
Im trying to be a good muslimah and not back bite but I feel very hurt.
Oh Allah when I seem to be making progress with her something bad seems to happen.
I’m not sure what to do Allah?
I know she is writing something about me – possibly something bad.
How can I please her when she hurts me so badly?
Oh Allah help me!
Guide me Allah…Ya Allah make me feel better soon!
Help me Allah through my time of need and give me justice due to the pain I have suffered. Make me a better person from all of this and let me never experience it again.
Make her into a better, caring and loving person.
A muslimah to be proud of.
Also make us Muslims an Ummah to be proud of.
Ya Allah accept my prayer and grant me swift relief.
Ameen.

Baby, Where art thou?

2008-04-13T13:33:00.000-07:00

I’ve been thinking for a bit about what my next blog should be. I wanted it to be something meaningful and Inshallah to help others.

I’ve wanted kids since I was 16 years old. There are a few reasons for that. I love children especially babies. I love the idea of helping and watching a person who is half of you grow and Inshallah become a good Muslim who will help others. Also, being the eldest of 5 kids meant that I have matured a lot more quickly. So, the search was on to find my soulmate, other half! Alhamdula it took a few years and a second marriage before I could work on my dream.

I suffer from terrible period pains which I have tried almost everything under the sun to control except the pill. I remember once at school, I got my period in the middle of a lesson and the pain was so unbearable I had to ran to my Head teacher’s office but he was nowhere to be found. So, I collapsed on a desk outside his office and cried hoping someone would help me. I eventually got the permission to go and only Allah knows how I arrived home and my dad had to rush me to hospital as my stomach couldn’t hold down my medication. Oh the drama of my period pains!! Apparently Queen Victoria of Great Britain used to take cannabis to help control her period pains but I of course would not recommend it or use it! LOL You probably guessed it another reason for wanting kids is to put an end to these pains. Due to my bad period pains, I discovered that I had polycystic ovary syndrome which, affects 1 in 5 women. Most women get pregnant naturally but the rest need further help. Alhamdula. My grandmother; a wise and wonderful woman has told me for many years that as soon as I have a baby things will improve, pain wise, Inshallah. I believe her especially as she went through something similar and has delivered many babies herself so there is wisdom in her advice.

I had to do something about my periods so my gynaecologist started work in trying to discover why I had such bad period pains and whether this was going to affect my fertility. I had a few scans, blood tests, laparoscopy, and small burning of my ovaries to help simulate the production of follicles which contain the eggs. Alhamdula, the tests showed that there were no problems like endometriosis or blocked fallopian tubes. However, there was no explanation for the bad period pains. I was told that unfortunately there was nothing that could be done except taking the pill. So, I continue to battle with my period pains but with the help of powerful pain killers.

I tried naturally for a baby for a about a year but to no avail. So, my gynaecologist prescribed clomid tablets. Clomid tablets help to give the ovaries a boost by making them produce follicles and increase the hormones involved in ovulation. About 70% of women get pregnant on clomid. I had to take the tablets from day 2 to 6 of my period and by around day 12 or 14 I had to go into hospital for scans to track the number of follicles that I had produced that month. Unfortunately, the clomid hasn’t helped me ovulate and so I was prescribed ovutrelle. At first, I was on 50mg of clomid and produced 7-9 follicles. My husband was supposed to have cold showers to prevent multiple pregnancies but we didn’t take that advice as Allah would be the one to give me as many babies as I could handle. Plus there was no guarantee that I would become pregnant. I was adviced to take 25mg of clomid and have been producing 2-3 follicles. I’ve had 7 rounds of clomid and I’m on my last. I’m trying not to be sceptical to allow the last one to work. This slight scepticism has been borne out from the fact that my sister discovered a few days ago that the Mefenamic Acid tablets which I have been taking for a few years for my periods come with a warning and that it should not be taken if you are trying to get pregnant. Those damn doctors never told me that. I remember clearly being told that this would not affect my fertility in the long run but with closer examination of these words and my position at the time I’ve realised that this advice was only meant to help my pains while I was not trying for a baby. Alhamdula. However, this realisation doesn’t explain why the gynaecologist didn’t advice me to stop taken them. (Trust me I will be taking this up with them!) Ironically, I haven’t been that upset by this revelation as it could be a reason as to why I haven’t become pregnant. However, my last round of clomid may not work due to the Mefenamic Acid tablets I took this month. Well, Allah knows best and I believe in my heart that if Allah wants me to get pregnant then it will BE regardless of those Mefenamic Acid tablets in my system.

So far the process has not been too complicated. The only problem has been my impatient to get pregnant. A lot of people have advised me to stop thinking about it and I believe they are right. However, how do you do that? I’m constantly reminded of it by my family, friends, planning the pregnancy, taking the clomid, going to hospital and seeing a flood of pregnant women and generally reminding myself. It’s hard and I sincerely respect women who have struggled to get pregnant and have either been successful after many years or have been unsuccessful and found peace by it. A friend who is also a diabetic has similar problems with her period and had the mind set that she would try for a baby even if it took years. She ‘stopped’ thinking about the whole process and it quickly happened for her. Today, I went to see another friend and her new baby. It was wonderful seeing that tiny soul peacefully sleeping and her mother looking proudly and protectively at her. The desperation for a child started to overtake me and subhanallah I looked again at that child and Allah gave me peace.

Something that has comforted me is the Quran. Allah reminds me through Surah’s when the feeling of wanting a baby overwhelms me. He reminds me that He is the one that gives children and that the benefits and rewards of the afterlife are a whole lot better. Alhamdulillah. I also found peace by reading an article in the last issue of Sister Magazine – “Barren but Blessed”. The sister was unsuccessful in conceiving but Allah had a better plan for her and that was to adopt twin babies. She not only found peace by not conceiving but is happy that it never happened. What a woman! How great is Allah in all his plans.

Inshallah, this last round of clomid is successful. If not the next steps are more intrusive like IVF. Inshallah it doesn’t come to that. However, I’m grateful that Allah has instilled the medical knowledge into man of these treatments to give us a greater chance of conceiving. I pray that I can find the strength for me and anyone going through something similar to keep going, have sabr and importantly find peace in whatever path Allah has chosen for us. Please make dua for me and many thanks to the sisters that have supported me.

Islam vs Senior Management

2008-03-30T13:14:00.000-07:00

I don’t usually like to start off as a sour puss but I’ve been feeling low for a few days and am desperate to get this sadness out of my system. Crying has not really helped but praying has helped give me a sense of temporary peace and yearning to try and fix my problems.

I was told at work by a senior member of staff that my manager had been acting unprofessionally by bad mouthing me to another senior member of staff. They want on to tell me that the senior managers accept unreliable and false criticise or accusations from my managers like mine. I felt very low after especially as she complaining about me not being in when she had granted me the morning off from work! This temporary amnesia is apparently not uncommon as I believe she uses it as an excuse to bad mouth people to senior management to gain brownie points to climb up this pathetic civil service ladder of promotion. It hurt more so as my manager is Muslim and as a sister I expected more support and sisterhood since we had similar beliefs to tie us closer to each other. Unfortunately, I was wrong. However, what has been more alarming from this revelation is that two non-Muslims had noticed how badly she has been treating me and others and told me that as a she is a Muslim they expected more compassion and support from her.

I felt ashamed of her as a Muslim sister because not only has she created a bad impression of herself but she has done it in overtly outrageous manner in that everyone knows she likes to ‘suck up’ to senior management at the expense of others including her Muslim brothers and sisters. She even refused a brother leave to go to Friday prayers. To try and give myself some sense of peace I thought about how Allah is watching her and can feel my pain and how she could face Allah if she died tomorrow. One good way of being close to Allah and helping you better your imam is to think about death and I believe that my manager’s problem is maybe she is thinking too much about this life and not the hereafter hence her terrible actions.

I am trying my best not think bad thoughts of her and have made dua for her so that Allah brings her happiness and peace and that I can move to another position soon. But she has tested my patience. She has even made me cry! Alhamduillah. I believe that this is a test from Allah similar to that faced by Prophet (pbuh) when he was badly treated by the kufar but still showed kindness, sabr and civility to them. However, more importantly he did not want anything bad to happen to them but left it to Allah as Allah knows best. A sister pointed out that we shouldn’t wish badly on anyone as one day they may beg for forgiveness and become better Muslims. Inshallah, that happens to my manager but I also believe that Allah does not want a Muslim to be badly treated or made to cry. Part of me wants her to feel the pain she has put me through especially as I’m not the first nor will I be the last she makes to suffer. I’m trying to search for answers on this issue but have been confused and I pray to Allah I can be guided to an answer soon and be given some sense of peace.

I am going to try and ask my manager for a move as a vacancy has come up somewhere else. Please make dua that Allah grants me this move with ease and to somewhere better. May Allah grant you all ease in your time of need. Ameen.

Diabetes

2008-03-23T12:45:00.000-07:00

I was diagnosed with diabetes when I was 3…yes 3! It was a huge shock for my mother who was also taking care of my brother who was 1 ¼ and my sister who was only 8 weeks old. May Allah bless my mum for her sabr, love and suffering.

I try to get my mum to relive the time of when I was diagnosed with diabetes and it’s not much but rather interesting. At that time the NHS (National Health Service) had a lot more facilities to support mothers and accommodate our needs. For instance, my mum was given a hotel room within the hospital to stay in close contact with me, lots of nappies and pre-filled baby bottles. Sounds great! Unfortunately, much to my disappointment, this supportive system does not exist anymore. Anyway back to my story...My mum had to learn to inject me and practiced daily with an orange. It took a long time before my mum eventually gave me my injections as I used to beg in Egyptian Arabic not to have anymore injections! I had an Egyptian nurse who taught me Arabic and apparently some not so impressive words like get lost! My dad had to work and deal with his father’s death so there was a lot going on at that time.

I can remember one vivid experience with my dad which is quite hilarious. My mum had gone to Morocco as her father had died. So, my dad was left for the first time ever with the responsibility to take care of three kids. One particular day, we had all got up late for school and my dad tried desperately to brush my long hair but to no avail. He quit and told me to do what I wanted with it. Yeppie, I thought as I wanted it left out for all to admire as my mum never let me leave it out. Anyway, my dad took us to school and about 2 hours later came rushing into my class to get me out. He had forgotten to give me my injection and I was none the wiser in the sense I had no symptoms of feeling tired or thirsty. He then asked me which toilet I wanted to go in to have my injection. I of course had to say the boys’ toilets because my dad is a boy and I wanted to see what it was like. So, we entered and it absolutely stank! However, the school secretary saw my dad kneeling over me to give me my injection in my bum and she screamed out “what the hell was going on”. Oh the embarrassment! My dad dealt with the situation and the secretary was left embarrassed by her reaction.

I have never known anything different. At first I thought everyone had to take injections but obviously this faded quite quickly when I noticed I was the only one at home flashing my bottom for my daily injections! Also, I got fed up of my siblings having the glory of eating as much sweets as they wanted when I couldn’t have even one. Oh how unfair. At that time, medical advice was not on the ball in that the doctors told my parents not to give me any sugar! This advice by the doctors was not clever as children/adults will have what they can’t have. Oh yes indeed. I ended up becoming an expert in smuggling sweets home and finding the latest stash. This ended up biting me in the back as a doctor threatened me with future amputations of both my arms and legs. I needed it as my blood sugars had become out of control when I hit my teens. Alhamdulliah, Allah is great as I didn’t have many problems and tried to enjoy life. It never really bothered me that I had diabetes as I saw it as the norm, a super power which no one else I knew had and that I would control it and not the other way around. My parents gave me the freedom to go on school trips and enjoy a few birthday parties. There are some things I do regret which is inevitable but overall Allah has helped me through the difficult times.

My diabetes is better controlled in the sense that I can now eat what I want and know exactly how much insulin to give myself. (Thanks to the DAFNE course - "Dose Adjustment For Normal Eating" - The basic principle is that for every 10g of carbohydrate, I need to take 1 unit of insulin; simple! So, 80g of carbohydrates I will take 8 units.) This way I’m avoiding any future complications like blindness and can practically eat whatever I want. Just need to watch my weight like everyone else. Before, the regime was very strict and it didn’t leave room for unpredictable situations like a friend bring in chocolate cake. How can anyone say no to that! Inshallah, there is a cure and even if it is not in my life time, I know that there are more difficult conditions to deal with. May Allah grant ease to anyone going through an illness, disease or difficult time. Ameen.

My Weekend In Bath

2008-03-17T13:42:00.000-07:00

Bath, well what can one say about a white stoned city? It’s full of history, students, a thunder box (I shall explain later) and white stone.

I wanted a weekend away with my husband in order for him to experience more of what England has to offer and also a break from my family. After much searching of the various cities in the UK, my heart was set on revisiting Bath. I had been there when I was 13 years old after winning a quilt making competition at my school and I remember being given £10 by mum and feeling so excited and rich that I spent it all. I had no money left to rehydrate myself from eating too many scones! So much for making it last. It took me sometime to find a guest house as the hotels were either too expensive or booked but even the guesthouse cost me £180 for two nights. Oh never mind, at least it was cosy and it had wonderful hospitality.

We packed our things a day in advance and we set off on the National Express for £38 return. (Funfare price - see I can save money!) The coach driver almost didn’t let us on as we arrived 7 minutes late for boarding. However, we begged the driver to let us on and thankfully he obliged us by opening the door and telling us off. We arrived 3 hours and 30 minutes later only to have to track up a hill and pass many hedges to our guesthouse. We were told it would take us less than 12 minutes to get there as we were young but it took us 20 minutes instead. It was good exercise.

We wanted to explore the city by foot but got lost at every direction despite peoples best efforts to point us in the right direction. We thought that the best way to see what the city had to offer was to follow the American and Malaysian tourist and purchase tickets for the tour bus. This had to be the highlight of our journey as not only did we rest feet get to rest but the guides had an impressive knowledge of the city. We took the bus around 7 seven times. It cost us £16 for 2 days use of the tour bus.

Bath has a population of around 80,000 people of which 20,000 are University students. The architecture is very impressive especially around Queen Square, the Abbey and the Roman Baths. In particular only one house has a thunder box which is basically a Victorian toilet. Unfortunately, the toilet was so unstable that many people apparently fell through it. Talk about being relieved! Also, some of the lavish houses seemed to have been occupied by mistresses of Kings’ and Dukes. King William IV had 22 children with his mistress and none with his wife. Unfortunately, as the children were illegitimate and he was succeeded by his niece Queen Victoria.

As you know, I’m a huge Jane Austen fan and the first place I visited was the Jane Austen Centre. We were greeted by Mr Darcy who was more charming than Jane’s Darcy. By this time I was so excited that I accidentally ran off and left my husband in the gift shop when I went to purchase the tickets. Unfortunately, the Centre was not all that it cracked up to be. They overcharged for the tickets for a talk which lasted about 15 minutes and a basement that had a few costumes from the ITV remake of Persuasions. Bath’s claim to Jane was that she lived for five years after her father retired but more interestingly is that Jane absolutely hated Bath even though she based Persuasion and Northanger Abbey on Bath. They did have a lovely tea room and I ordered the Jane Austen tea and Willoughby chocolate cake. My husband was not at all impressed with the Centre, more so as he didn’t understand anything people were saying and wanted only boring old regular coffee. He said he didn’t trust any food that was named after characters from books.

Overall we had a lovely time in Bath despite the down pour of rain. My husband was very much more fascinated by the Roman Baths and the Abbey. We dared each other to drink a whole glass of warm sulphuric water which I think the Museum distilled to such an extent that it didn’t taste so bad. Just needed a tea bag!

Big Sister Syndrome

2008-03-07T07:43:00.000-08:00

Things have been rather hectic at home and I’m trying to find a balance in appeasing my family and husband. So far I’m not doing a good job!

I believe that being the eldest brings about too many responsibilities which if one does not learn to say ‘no’ to will eventually lead to unfortunate circumstances. For instance, my family are finding it hard to let me go and once this eventually happens, inshallah, I can only live one door away from them while my husband wants to live on the other side of the country. How to appease both is going to be a challenge and a half. I’m battling between both and trying not to make the wrong choices but what seems to be holding me back is my divorce. This feeling that I cannot hurt my family by my decisions because I am afraid that if this marriage does not work (I believe this is unlikely as both my husband and I have sworn never to leave each other regardless of what may happen) they will be there for me. What a dilemma, ha! Then there comes the time of dealing with all sorts crisis’s. This has to be left to Big Sis as she seems to be the only one that can prevent World War 3 from striking. I call this the Big Sister Syndrome.

The Big Sister Syndrome is not uncommon. If you are the eldest (male and female), sit back and think about what your role is in your family’s household and I’m sure that the list in your head is growing. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes being the eldest can bring its own rewards and benefits. I love the feeling of bring joy or resolution to a problem for my family. I love seeing their excitement when things have worked out well for them especially if I have helped in someway. Most of all, I love the fact that I brought my mother great comfort, support and joy to her life when others have failed her. I believe in my heart that Allah is happy with me for being there for my family but I ‘m slowly realising that Allah does not want me to be miserable with all the unnecessary responsibilities I have taken on. Allah would want me to be happy in my own home with my husband and inshallah kids.

I am waking up to myself and trying not to feel immense guilt when I don’t want to do something for my family. This feeling is becoming more prominent as my coping mechanisms are shamefully not working. I think they have taken me for granted and expected too much of me. This is partly my fault as I should have plucked up more confidence to say ‘no’ to them especially as they find it very easy to say it to me. Alhamdula. One particular occasion was when I managed to accidentally break a stack of plates. I asked my sister to help my mum clean everything up as I needed to ran some errands for the family by which she kindly told me to ‘get lost’. She was probably having a bad day and seemed very tired but I know that doesn’t excuse her from talking to me that way. However, what was most sad about this incident was that the broken glass was a metaphor of my life. I do feel like I’m in pieces and that I can’t tide up my life. As soon as the plates broke, I wanted to burst out crying and I ran out the door as fast as I could so I didn’t have to tidy them up. Alhamdula, mu mum was there for me and took charge of the situation which allowed me to stop thinking about all the negativity of that situation. Inshallah, I will be strong enough not to ran away from my problems and face my internal fears in order for me to move on and be more happy.

Many Allah help us all through our trying times. Ameen.

Having a structure in Life

2008-03-05T09:24:00.000-08:00

There are so many different lives out in this world that one wonders how they structure their lives in order to achieve day to day tasks or great things. For instance, doing a job, taking care of kids or studying. This may seem like a peculiar point to make but it is relevant in this fast moving world.

A friend is seeing a psychotherapist in order to understand this and other things. She is trying to make sense of mistakes she has made, how to overcome them and why she cannot move forward. The psychotherapist is helping her analyse the various situations affect her life and trying to find the route problem. I think many of us can benefit from psychotherapy which can be conducted not just by a psychotherapist but through other means like writing a blog. Although when a person cannot handle their problems or are lost or need proper guidance then a psychotherapist many be a good way in resolving personal problems.

It can be hard trying to multitask and to keep up the appearance of being a ace person at a particular job or task. However, a particular problem which can be hard to overcome is one’s self–perception. Wanting to meet those unearthly demands and creating unrealistic goals can lead to disappointment and failure. This in turn starts a vicious cycle of trying to achieve the impossible which then leads to heartache. If one steps back and congratulates themselves for what they have achieved that day then those positive remarks can build up your self-esteem and confidence. There are so many self-help books promoting interesting ideas some of which do and don’t work but in all I found the central theme not necessarily promoted by these books is to have faith not only in yourself but in Allah.

“With every difficult there comes easy”.

This beautiful saying from Allah denotes so much meaning but at its simplistic it can mean that the easiest tasks can present their own challenges but in turn can bring a reward because you have completed it. Lets take an example, writing minutes. This can be very simple but to some people it can present a challenge due to personal or external expectations which can then make the challenge seem impossible. However, when one stops thinking about all these expectations and completes the task to their best ability then the rewards is having completed it. Also, if you find this task easy then your reward might be less but still enough to boost your confidence to say to yourself well at least I did it! The key is to remember to give yourself the small pat on the back in order to allow those positive juices to continue flowing. It only takes one negativity to forget all your positives and there may be many more positives which you have achieved but need to learn to recognise no matter how small they maybe to bash away the negativity.

Inshallah brothers and sisters we can all find inner peace, confidence and happiness through the help of Allah.

Divorce

2008-02-20T06:03:00.000-08:00

"And those who say: "Our Lord! Bestow on us
from our wives and our offspring
who will be the comfort of our eyes,
and make us leaders for the Muttaqûn

Those will be rewarded with the highest place
(in Paradise) because of their patience.
Therein they shall be met with greetings
and the word of peace and respect".
(Qur'an 25:74-75)

Marriage is a wonderful union Allah has given us - It provides so many benefits and it's half our deen.

During my traumatic time at University, I started searching for answers as to what to do with my life. I decided to quit Uni and my heart started looking for ways to fill a void that Uni did not fill. One solution which was always at the back of my mind was marriage. I believe I wanted to get married at 18 years old. I know that this might sound young but if you are the eldest of many siblings and have taken on a lot since you were small then one begins to mature quite quickly. Also, there was a small part of me that wanted to be emancipated from my family. Not in a bad way but more to do with having more freedom and less responsibilities in the most halal way. That for me was marriage.

At first my parent's didn't want me to get married so I ended up having to partly suffer with my feelings and be patient until Allah opened the door for me. A few years had passed and the search began for MR RIGHT. Unfortunately, my parents did not know many Muslim families who had young men I could marry. This was frustrating as my father seemed to know a lot of people but none he thought worthy of marriage. My father even thought I should marry my dumb cousin which was hypercritical of him as he always said that he wanted me to marry someone of high calibre and education – qualifications my cousin did not possess. Also, our problem laid in the fact that our house was not more open to people even though our deen requires us to be good to our neighbours. So, my only option was to find someone in Morocco.

Again my family could not find Mr Right for me even though I was not too fussy. They thought that the best option was for me to marry my second-cousin.

I flew out to Morocco to meet him. We met; he seemed like a good person and appeared to be marriage material. So, we did our Nikah (marriage contract). The family seemed happy but that wasn't going to last for long. Unfortunately, I got married too quickly without getting to know him properly. This was due to a mixture of my desperation, my family’s failure to find me someone and, for telling me that they knew him enough and thought he was the right one for me. After our engagement party, I flew back home extremely happy and on cloud 9. I honestly believed that this was a marriage I had been waiting for and I could final be at ease. However, as time passed I started making arrangements for our summer wedding. I was constantly calling him to keep communication going and to make our bond stronger. He of course never called and I began to have doubts. These second thoughts started to get bigger because of the small things he did or did not do and I began to question his intentions for our marriage. Then came the explosive event. My aunt went to visit him and his mother to help out with the wedding arrangements. She spent a week with them and then came the fateful call from my aunt. She confirmed my doubts by informing us that his intentions for our marriage were not honourable and that she had caught his ex-girl friend in his room.

Eventually after this incident and many others I asked from my Talaq (divorce). He refused to give it to me and there waged an almost 2 year battle to get it. I had the incompetent Morocco lawyer and no family members to really help me get my divorce. Of course, what made things a lot difficult was the fact I was in London and my divorce proceedings was in Morocco. During those 2 years, I changed significantly. I lost a lot of my confidence, saw another side to my family and, felt real desperation and despair. Things got really low for me both mentally and physically. I was searching for answers as to why this happened to me and how best to deal with it. I felt ashamed. I was almost willing to do anything. Someone told me to say Talaq three times and then I would be divorced. That helped me a bit but it’s more complicated than that. Surat Talaq was a great healer in many respects as Allah promises that there will be a resolution to a divorce. It allowed me to cry and made me feel that Allah was and is as closer to me as my jugular vein.

Alhamdula, I got my divorce but not before he slyly asked me to change my mind. I said to him in English (as opposed to Arabic) “no way Jose”. I was expecting a huge wave of happiness to hit me but it didn’t as divorce is one of those terrible things which you wish had never happened. You feel as if you have lost a bit of yourself due to that person. However, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

It is ironic though that a terrible thing like divorce brought me other benefits. If one sabrs (patient) then Allah will reward them with something better. “With difficult there comes ease”. This is a beautiful saying from the Quran. This ease is unexplainable hence it’s a special feeling only Allah can give you. I started to become closer to Allah and my deen. I eventually become closer to Muslim sisters, wore the hijab and found my wonderful new husband.

If anyone is going through a divorce or has just completed one then please don’t despair. One of the best advices I got which was only a few months ago was from a Muslim brother. He said that all marriages are written by Allah and some only last for a fix term in order for you to receive an important benefit from them. For me it was being closer to Allah and thus realising that I wanted to marry someone who would help my imam grow. It was not until I found peace within myself and stopped thinking about all the bad that had accumulated from my divorce that Allah sent this message to me through this Muslim brother. Inshallah soon you will find peace too.

The hassle of a sycophantic manager

2008-02-14T11:56:00.000-08:00

I’ve been back at work for over a month after a break of a year and half. It’s been good settling in and making new friends but the difficulty as usual comes from my manager. Newly promoted, she has a big learning curve which she is overcoming by sucking up to the senior managers. It’s so bad that one would think she kisses their feet. Many say she has hence her promotion.

This idea of being a sycophantic to get up the ladder is pathetic on so many levels. Not only do you lose your integrity but you lose your self-respect. The thing is no matter how well she tries to hide the things she does like sucking up to the senior managers, everyone knows. It’s hard on some level saying this about her especially as she is meant to be a Muslim sister but she puts the hijab to disgrace. Astaghfirullah. As a Muslim she should use that effort towards Allah. What happens if she dies tomorrrow? Shame on you manager. My best friend was working at my office (but alhamdulliah has left) and dealt with this pathetic manager. My manager showed no interesting in being friendly or even saying hello to her despite her efforts to be close to a sister. We both agreed that when we saw her pray we thought lets forgive her and give her a second chance. But as soon as she completed her prayers she was back to her horrid self. I don’t understand how she can pray to Allah and act like this to her fellow sisters. She even refuses to say hello to a sister at work!

I had a taste of her back stabbing today. It was so awful I thought what am I doing here? Need the money! Not only did she discuss my personal matters with HR in an inappropriate place but she made me know that she was doing it. The little whispering and glimpses towards me was hard to take and I thought let her backbit – Allah is watching her. However, when that ended she decided to get a kick at massacring my work in order to “make sense of it” when in actual fact she did the opposite. According to a colleague who had been previously managed by her advised me that she does this in order to fuel her superiority complex. I tried to take it on the chin and not make it personal as I thought this is not my dream job but it appears from what knowledge she has gathered it’s probably hers!

Well, once I got over that bad morning things only got worse. She decided to go behind my back and made no apologies for doing so and spoke to senior management about reasonable adjustments I wanted to put in place. She tried to insult my intelligence by claiming that senior management had made the decision but I finally got her to admit that she had actually decided not to put them into place. I was so angry and upset by then that she tried to comfort me by telling me not to be upset. But why upset me in the first place? Probably the best thing to do is to go to senior management and get them to try and approve things for me. I’m trying not to think bad thoughts about her but she almost ruined my evening and has made life a lot more difficult for me at work. Inshallah, she gets what’s coming to her soon.

My brother’s tip is work should stay at work as soon as you step foot out of the door as you don’t get paid to continue thinking about it. That is sound advice but difficult to put into practice. I think I need to be hypnotised to make it work!

The Trip

2008-02-13T14:30:00.000-08:00

I can't believe this happened to me but here goes....

I took my 2 sisters out for a meal in order to put the brain at rest and have some girly fun. We chatted a lot especially about my sister’s unofficial fiancé and how best to deal with the dilemma some sisters face when their parents don't agree to a marriage. We agreed to disagree on many points but were resolved with the promise that if Allah wants her marriage to happen it will. Trust me Allah knows best.

Anyway, as we left the restaurant I noticed a guy who I had gone to school with who was with his new wife. Almost all the Moroccan girls wanted to marry him including me as he was our Muslim version of Mr Darcy. I was desperate to get a glimpse of his wife for piety reasons and this woman thing of checking out the new wife. I know pathetic but couldn't help myself. I started running towards them and I got to the middle of the road and TRIPPED. Oh my God, the embarrassment as he turned round to see what this big thump was. I sounded like a massive rock hitting the floor! Instead of my silly sisters helping they were in fits laughing at me. Terrible! All my money, keys and dignity were on the floor. So in Bridget Jones action, I thought quickly how do I get out of this situation and pretend he didn't see me. So I got up, quickly gathered everything and started running in the opposite direction as if to suggest I was in a hurry to get somewhere and it was not me that just tripped. My sisters followed with this trail of laughter behind them and I was shouting to shut them up. They destroyed the plan as I could see him starring at us due to all the noise my sisters were making but the most honest reason for his attention being caught was probably that massive thump on the road.

Got home with blood all over my knees and a shameful face!

A warning - If you see someone you fancy just walk the other way.

Parent Trap

2008-02-12T12:12:00.000-08:00

It’s difficult juggling your problems and dealing with family’s own dilemmas. How does one cope? Being married and still living with your family is obviously not easy especially when tension arises between your spouse and family. It can be those little things, which add up, and make things a lot worse. Alhamdula things are not there yet but its scary as feelings get bruised and some people won’t forget those moments of anger and insanity.

How does one build their own life away from their family without causing them pain? There is no easy answer but there are tactics, which could be used, and I have to deploy. When one is very close to their family especially a parent its sometimes difficult for them to let go. It stems from probably being the eldest and the one that can always be relied on. That’ s a big burden. However, it can drive you insane. My best friend gave me a useful priority line on how to manages one’s responsibilities which I would like to share:

YOU.....spouse/kids...........................family/friends

I added a few extra stops between ‘you’ and ‘spouse’ as if you don’t have your health and happiness than how can you deal with the rest.

For some reasons certain people will forgive but won’t forget. I appreciate that in certain circumstances it’s hard as the hurt can go deep and have been inflicted repeatedly. However, the Prophet (PBUH) dealt with the worst form of humiliation and still wanted peace and the best outcome for those people. Lets all learn from this and give ourselves a break from this hurt. Ask yourself this question: Does that person still care for you? Inshallah, the answer is yes and one can take hope that they will in time regret and feel remorse for their actions.

Confidence - Part 1

2008-02-05T18:46:00.000-08:00

I have problems being confident especially in making decisions and when I do I can’t live with them. Take for instance today at work. I haven’t been that happy there and this is more so due to my manager. I thought on the bus I need to do something about this and decided a move would be appropriate i.e. a change of desk. The first excuse I could come up with was ‘back problems’ and then my manager tried to adjust my chair and fiddle with my back seat. I wanted to be assertive so I literally took my chair to a desk I wanted to move to. I tired to justify this action by saying I had problems with sunlight (not true) and that my new desk was a bit smaller which didn’t convince my manager as their desk had been chopped by a third. Started to get worried and the anxiety kicked. I thought I've probably made another wrong move so thought that the best thing I could do was find an opportunity to be super nice. I can’t believe I said this: “I miss my desk, I want to come back”. Thankfully, my manager laughed and called me a “joker” and I felt relieved. But this caused me another problem. How do I stay at my new desk permanently? Possibly going on about sunlight? Coming up with a ridiculously disgusting story which means my manager wants me to stay where I am? Ahh the decisions to make and how to stick by them.

Why oh why do I let these things get to me. I need some peace out from my mentality. I need to become that person who lives carefree and dam the consequences. May make life a lot easier. I know that that is not the ideal way to live but its better than worrying about all the bits and bobs of why did she say that? Why is this happening to me? Was that the right thing to say or do? Hey crumber. Worst of all is when people tell you to watch your back from so and so. I know that is only friendly advice but I’m already paranoid and I don’t need something else to fuel it. There is plenty of coal in that fire!

I know some people learn to ignore certain people or problems or take a laid back attitude to it. But being advised not to worry is not easy and not always the best advice as one is already worrying and you can’t switch it off like a switch. I still test possible solutions like buying chocolate, going to cinemas, chatting to friends just something to keep the mind occupied from the worry. However, there is a deeper problem and one that cannot be ignored. One needs to discover and learn ways to fix it. Being happy and keeping faith is definitely the best cure.

A quote from my best friend: “We can trust Allah, if we are scared of Allah, then we are not scared of anyone, if we are not scared of Allah but of people, then everything will scare us”.

Easier said than done as always, but something to aspire to.

Peace out!

Sisters Big Plan

2008-02-04T11:20:00.000-08:00

Let me set the scene, I'm like most people going through life trying to discover who they are but for me it has involved subconsciously making mistakes and NOT learning from them. I hope to create regular blogs to help myself (this is me trying to put myself first) and, those people who are interested in reading and even learning more about my experiences both good and bad. Inshallah this blog will be a journey to help me to learn from my previous plans and make new ones.

I want to thank my best friend for encouraging me to create a blog and whose blog happymuslimmama.com has inspirational stories.

I have had many plans of which I have not followed. I think the most vivid one is not completing University. To this day, I am still battling as to whether I should go back to Uni which is peppered with friends and family wanting me to go. However, the real question I have to answer is: Do I want to go? Not sure. No surprise there! I think the idea is great, wanting to challenge myself, achieve something academic which for me will make a prominent mark in my life and to prove to others especially myself that I can do it. But I'm not convinced by these points. I had a really bad experience at University and even worse lecturers. I'll never forget these infamous words: "Turn to your left; turn to your right these people will not be here next year." Well, I passed that year but that advice was a string of bad advices I got which eventually broke me and made me feel negative about life. I was studying Law and as promised it was hard, time consuming, demanding, pressurised BUT really interesting. (Sorry for using but all the time, I just like it! I think that is a metaphor for my life.) The idea of pressure started to get to me which made me feel more vulnerable than I was used to. I could not make sense of what I was doing in terns of studying and what I wanted my life to be. I started to feel desperate and marriage popped into my head which felt like the answer to my problems. As you will find out that that was a bad plan! It got to the point where if I could not achieve a First Class degree then I thought what was the point of doing it. Alhamdula, my sisters think differently but I still can't get the idea of being the best at everything including achieve a 1st Class degree out of my head especially as more people are saying its the best head start to a career and opportunities. Yet, my friend achieved a 2:2 and is now a qualified Solicitor. Good for her. I'm so proud of her. Inshallah, I will be proud of myself soon. I think one of the problems I still face is failure or just feeling ok with achieving the minimum - I feel I can do better but that mentality has not helped me so far! There are so many good and bad experiences that one has to decide what path they are going to take, feel comfortable about and stick to it. If you want to get the First Class degree, you can get it and if you get a Third Class degree you can still achieve that end goal without having to feel a failure for not going the traditional route. Carol Vorderman got a 3rd Class degree and she is successful and most people think she is brillant.

I think anyone interested in doing a degree or is studying for one, it is important you enjoy it and do it for the right reasons. Trust me you will love it more and it will help you do well without having to feel over pressurised. My sister was not brillant at school and she did something she loved at Uni and got a 1st Class degree with Honours. Im extremely proud of her. Go get the world sister!

In all, the question of restarting my degree will have to float over to more blogs before a possible answer.

I leave this blog on a positive note and that is I am becoming a happier person even though I'm not the best Solicitor in the world, yet!