Sister's Big Plan

Hajj is a pilgrimage a Muslim person takes once in their lifetime. It is the largest annual pilgrimage in the world. It is the fifth pillar of Islam, an obligation that must be carried out at least once in our lifetime by every able-bodied Muslim who can afford to do so. It is a demonstration of the solidarity of the Muslim people, and our submission to Allah.

The Hajj is associated with the life of Prophet Muhammed peace and blessing be upon him (PBUH), but the ritual of pilgrimage to Makkah stretches back to the time of Ibrahim and Isma'il. Pilgrims join processions of hundreds of thousands of people, who simultaneously converge on Makkah for the week of the Hajj, and perform a series of rituals. As part of the Hajj, each person walks counter-clockwise seven times around the Kaaba, the cube-shaped building which acts as the Muslim direction of prayer (qibla); runs back and forth between the hills of Al-Safa and Al-Marwah; drinks from the Zamzam Well; goes to the plains of Mount Arafat to stand in vigil; and Jamara (throws stones in a ritual Stoning of Satan). The pilgrims then shave their heads, perform an animal sacrifice, and celebrate the three day global festival of Eid al-Adha.

Both my husband and I wanted to take this trip of a life time while we were still young. Given my diabetes, I didn't think it would be fair on myself and Allah to wait until it was either too late or my body wouldn't allow me to complete all the rituals. Also, the journey would allow me to be spiritually closer to the Almighty, rid my sins, bless my marriage and help me start a new chapter in my life. I had the idea of Hajj instilled in my head for about three years thanks to my best friend. May Allah reward her. I was waiting for my husband and the right time to take this journey and it came. All the highest praise and thanks belong to Almighty Allah. Honestly, as I write this blog, I still can't believe I took this amazing journey. Alhamdula.

About three million pilgrims participated in this year’s pilgrimage. The Saudi government invested millions to accommodate us all and I have to say they did a brilliant job! We were received with open arms and given food parcels at various stops. This warmth rippled with my group who were from all over the world. We were like a mini version of the rest of the millions that had flocked for Hajj. This mix helped to form new bonds, encourage team work, patience and importantly we were able to support the weak and elderly.

The group leaders advised on various tours including visiting the graves of the Prophet Mohammed’s (PBUH) companions. However, I was anxious to see the Ka’ba. I had to keep pinching and reassuring myself that I was in Saudi Arabia about to take the same path as the Prophet (PBUH) did. I kept thinking maybe this isn’t my time and someone was going to tell me to get back on the plane!! I remember on the coach trying my best not to see the Ka’ba because I wanted my first look to be special. I believed the Ka’ba was taller than the Masjid Al Haram (Mosque where the Ka’ba is located) but, when I approached the Ka’ba I was greeted by the magnificent Masjid and had to enter the centre of it to see the Ka’ba. It was amazing! Even though the Masjid surrounded the Ka’ba, its stature overshadowed the mosque. I took a step back and contemplated. I felt my heart fill with love for Allah, peace and closeness to the Almighty.

My next big challenge was the Jamara. My family and some protective Iraqi ladies didn't want me to do the Jamara. They all believed that because I'm a diabetic, I would end being killed by completing this act. I understood their fear especially as so many unnecessary deaths occured here but wanted to prove to myself, them and importantly my love for Allah SWT. Nothing was going to stop me! The Jamara is usually packed with a lot of people who get very excited about this ritual and rightly so. The Jamara marks Ibrahim’s belief in Allah by throwing the stones at Satan when he tried to stop Ibrahim sacrificing his son for Allah. It symbolises ones belief in one Allah and overcoming ones internal battle especially with Satan. I honestly thought, I was going to die at the Jamara. I made peace with the idea of death as I felt spiritually uplifted and ready to see Allah in Paradise. So, when the moment came to throw the seven stones, I felt this huge burst of emotional energy. I cannot describe the feeling but I felt my spirit lift which helped me complete each act perfectly of throwing the stones within Jamara. Trust me; I failed at all ball games!! I then felt cleansed. A sense of peace washed over me. I wanted to cry but kept my emotions in check in front of my group! For the first time in my life, I experienced true inner peace.

The day of Arafat is considered the most important day of Hajj. It was filled with togetherness by everyone supplicating to Allah. I had all my books ready and found a spot in my tent to concentrate on Allah. I had a terrible hypo (low blood sugar) which forced me to lay down for most of Arafat. But Allah SWT still made it easy for me as I was able to do my supplications. I was also comforted and supported by ladies within my tent and my husband ensuring all my needs were taken care of. Alhamdula. My whole body felt at ease because it was naturally doing what it was born to do. Worship Allah. I laid down on the carpet and was fortunate enough to be next to a gap in between the carpets to feel the sand beneath me. It was too hot to go to the Mountain of Arafat and the sand allowed me to connect to Allah by contemplating on his sublime creations. The day seemed to go so quickly and as the heat subsided I was able to join others outside our tents and watch the sun go down as if into the mountains. The colours - red, orange, yellow and purple were amazingly floating next to each other. It was if they symbolised this equality amongst differences. I used the opportunity to join others in making further supplication to Allah. I still had this sense of peace which grew further in Arafat. It was wonderful to see everyone joined in prayers especially as they were all peaceful and tranquil. We were all equal, rich and poor, young and old, black and white. All the men were wearing their Ihram (two pieces of white cloth) and the women dressed in simple abayas. I’m not sure of anywhere else or any situation where people are so equal, together and peaceful especially in the sight of Allah?!

SubhanAllah, Allah made this journey easy for me and my husband in the sense that the ZamZam water stabilised my blood sugars and I didn't feel tired walking from Mina to Makkah. Allah also brought a special lady into my life who I shared emotions and experiences with especially when things got low (which alhamdula was very rare). It was an amazing experience. Life-changing. Made my problems, worries and day to day life feel unimportant. I felt like I was in my natural habitat, doing what I was born to do. When one lets go and does what their natural being was created for it then all falls into place and the peace comes swiping in. I was ready to come back home with this peace and to spread it to others.

The big step is to maintain the goodness of Hajj. Keep my slate as clean as possible. I'm trying to hold on to the peace and avoid the cinema and TV. This is going to be a bit tricky as I have used them too often as a form of escape. InshaAllah, I become a better person.

I made many realisations from Hajj:

1. Turn to Allah as only Allah can help you. Make 2 raka's and read the Qur'an especially when you are down.
2. Never have doubt that your duas during Hajj have not been accepted.
3. Create a prayer space and try to pray with people in your house.
4. Read daily the Qur'an and books on our beloved Prophet (PBUH).
5. Read on the Prophets (PBUH) wives and then the caliph’s.
6. Always send your praises to the Prophet (PBUH), family and the companions.
7. Believe that everything has a reason.
8. Only love for the sake of Allah SWT.
9. Have sabr (patience).
10. 40 days after Hajj your duas are accepted.

InshaAllah, I'll try and remember some more.

I send my peace and blessing to our beloved Prophet (PBUH), his family and the companions.

May Allah accept my Hajj and that of all the Muslims. Please make dua!

May Allah forgive me if I have made any mistakes in this post.

Reading, writing, arithmetic's - The starting talents to greater things

We need maps and plans - a sense of direction to build that way

Keep it alive, big and wonderful. Who cares what they say!

Shout it on the roof tops, tell the other half, and buy a promotional slot on TV

Hear it just hear that dream come alive

Mohammed (PBUH), Dr King, Nelson Mandela, Barak Obama and Marian Williamson to name but a few

Let’s learn and make our mark in the world

They will say it's ridiculous, they will say you're mad

But who will have the last laugh when the millions roll your way

Frustration belongs to loser

As at times it will be hard, crazy and hopeless

Let the tears roll down

Get the support

Destroy that stress - Laugh, pray, listen or visualise - bang, bang, bang its gone!

Keep your family, friends and supporters near and positive energy killers afar

30 years in the making and the success is yours!

Believe in me, you and I

Come on I dare you, DREAM!!

I joined an Islamic Sunday class, which is intended for new Muslims, those interested in the deen or people who want to increase their knowledge of Islam. I’ve been attending the class on and off for about a year but the last few months I’ve been very good and been going quite regularly. The topics have been more interesting. Plus I wanted to seek the correct knowledge from a trusted Shaykh. I should add that it took a few months but I finally was able to get into flow of the Shaykh’s English. Poor thing, he was trying his best to make the lecture as fluent as possible but ended up getting himself caught up with complex words and his accent. Alhamdula, May Allah reward him – I am now able to pick up most of what he is saying.

The Shaykh has been fantastic in finding the middle ground on all topics especially hot issues like Suni and Shia. He said that we have no right to say one sect is right or wrong. That is up to Allah SWT but that we should remember to follow the Quran and Hadith and InshaAllah we will not go wrong.

I’ve always been able to collect useful tips and guidance about the deen like the Prophet (PBUH) encouraging people not to be proud or shy to ask questions! This has helped me realise that if the Prophet (PBUH) wanted us to do such acts then why should I stop myself putting this into practice in the deen and other aspects of my life!!! But practice makes perfect so, I am still working on this.

The class has a mixture of people and I love seeing the reverts or those interested in the deen attend. I especially love the fact that I get to see more than one new face attend the lessons. I’ve made some good friends and in particular had a wonderful surprise in this week’s class.

A young Asian lady had been attending the class wearing a hijab who I managed to have a few conversations with her. I of course automatically assumed she was Muslim and I had a wonderful surprise when she informed me that she was taking the Shahada. She said that the moment for her had come about in the class, literally there and then, when someone asked her if she was a Muslim. It told them straight out that she had the intention to take Shahada but wanted to do it when the time was right and that it was now. So, the moment was set for her and there was no stopping her. I and three other ladies sat next to her and the Shaykh asked her questions to ensure that she understood what she was doing and that she was ready. She was fluent and her answers convinced me! Then the amazing bit happened. The Shaykh started to ask her to pronoun the Shahada in Arabic. She was nervous, trembling. I could feel her nervous vibration, which set me off. I wanted to hold her hand but I didn’t want to stop her flow. When she said: “There is no god but Allah” that did it for me. It was as if I was taking the Shahada for the first time, like I was feeling Allah for the first time. It was amazing, overwhelming, spiritually uplifting and one tear managed to come out of my eye!!! The lady started crying and for me that confirmed her belief in Allah and that she was ready despite her worry that her family would react very badly. It also made me realise why I already thought she was a Muslim. She was already acting, talking and had an aura of a Muslimah. (Oh Allah, the feelings are flooding back as I write and my eyes are starting to fill up.) We were all caught up by the moment of spiritual bliss that we forgot to congratulate her until a man prompted us and we all took turns to kiss and cuddle her. She needed it and I could see that with sisters like this to support her then InshaAllah she would only grow. Also, despite being treated badly by Muslim prisoners and hearing awful stories on Islam, this proved that if one believes in Allah and wants to seek knowledge on Islam then if it is meant to be they will revert. There is no compulsion in religion just the right intention.

She told me that she was a Sikh and had heard terrible things about Islam until she met a man in prison who she had been giving career advice to. He helped her question her religion and the way her family practiced. She said that before this incident, it didn’t cross her mind to question what was the norm for her, what seemed right and practical. She explained that in her heart she only believed in one Allah and that she didn’t see the point of a priest being her pathway to Allah especially as they are human. Islam appealed to her but it took her sometime to take the Shahada because she couldn’t change what was haram about her lifestyle overnight. This is a classic problem, which unfortunately both non-Muslims and Muslims face alike. Alhamdullah, a revert lady helped her overcome this fear. It also gave me the opportunity to direct her to Aminah Assilmi. (Please see this fantastic video!) I informed her that this woman helped me realise why I needed to wear the hijab and the next day I wore it and alhamdula I’m still wearing to this day. Aminah explains that things need to be done “slowly, slowly” otherwise one will just become overwhelmed and go back to their old ways. InshaAllah it gave her some comfort. She still has a fantastic journey to take especially after she takes her bath and what the Shaykh called it “you will be like a brand new baby”. LOL

May Allah continue to guide this lady and many other Muslims, reverts or those interested in Islam to the straight path.

I’ve been pondering for a few weeks about my decision making process. I noticed a pattern in that when the going gets tough, I get going! My sabr seems to be the size of a goldfish when it comes to difficult situations, which has landed me in hot water.

I took a step back and sat with a friend to help me analyse the reasons for my mad decision-making. This is what we came up with:

1. I do far too much for my family
2. I’ve allowed my family to rely on me to do the silliest things like organise and buy plane tickets, make appointments with doctors!!
3. I’ve not allowed other things in my life to empower me like my education and career.
4. I have not learned to say ‘no’ enough.
5. I use the problems I face with my family as an excuse to quit my education and job.
6. I need to realise that the pressure at home is far too much and that anyone in situation would have cracked by now!
7. I need to focus on me me me
8. I need to disassociate myself from many of my family’s problems.
9. I need to find the right opportunity to move out and not use the excuse of my family being too much as this is counter productive as the real problem is how I’ve allowed them to affect my life. This will also leave a bad feeling in my heart and won’t really solve the underlying problem.
Way forward – A few suggestions:

1. Understand my mistakes.
2. Learn to grow.
3. Feel positive about who and what I am.
4. Say positive things about myself as putting myself down will just make me less confident.
5. Stop listen to that annoying gremlin on my left shoulder who keeps breaking my confidence and self-esteem.
6. Strength my Imam.
7. Turn to Allah.
8. Be a better wife.
9. Travel to other countries.
10. Stop hating my manager.
11. Stop always giving people advice and let them learn for themselves.
12. Go on a mediation course.
13. Get my own place.

This list will keep growing and InshaAllah I can fulfil them ALL.

Try and make a list of your own.

There have been times in my life when I have made rash and impatient decisions in order to appease my heart. My lack of sabr has caused me more trouble then was worth and InshAllah through this blog I hope to help others and myself to see whether this pattern in my life can be changed.

My brash decision to go to ‘any’ university is possibly my earliest memory of my lack of sabr having a major impact on my life. I never thought the decision through with regards to which uni would be best for me and what my alternative were before I decided to go to uni. I needed first and foremost to appease my family in order to show them that I was going to uni to advance my education and career and live up to the dream of being a Solicitor. Secondly, I need to appease my hearts aching need to go to uni to finish my education and realise my dream of practicing law. Thirdly, I didn’t want others to be disappointed with me. One of my bad habits is caring too much about what other people think! This has to stop!! I felt like I had told the world I was going to become a Solicitor and I didn’t want the world to feel I was a failure or a liar. This has taken me almost six years to realise but I was going to uni for all the wrong reasons but I still have a long way to go before I can understand what this means and how best to move forward from this experience. Unfortunately, I still feel at times that I’m not ready for uni (even though I applied to do a Law degree this Winter) and that my critics would love it if I failed. I know I have to stop thinking like this as it hasn’t got me far and is making me want to run away from the situation even more. InshAllah, I can come to some conclusion to my answer and move on to making better decisions that are for ME.

After leaving uni – I needed something to mend my broken heart. I felt that it had taken so much out of me. I needed a quick fix to my problem and something that would give meaning to my life. Marriage seemed like the answer! It took a long time before my parents agreed and took me seriously but that wasn’t my problem. Unfortunately, my parents did not know anyone in UK that would be suitable for me so they suggested someone from Morocco. My first husband was part of the family but was not well known. Out of my desperation and pressure on my parents to find me someone asap, they agreed after meeting him that I should marry this guy. I didn’t get to know him and within a few days we had done our nikah. All seemed well at first and then the marriage broke down very quickly. I didn’t feel wanted by him and Shatan (may Allah curse him) aggravated my fears to the point that horrible rumours began emerging, which discredited my first husband. Alhamdulillah, the marriage was only meant to last for a short time in order for me to get closer to Allah. I tried to learn from my mistakes but I still had the desperation of getting married and settling down. However, Allah wanted me to wait 2 years before I met and married my husband. Allah helped me realise that I needed to find a person who would make the marriage last and that was through having a strong deen. Allah answered my prayers and made me happy! (Thank you Allah for everything you have given me and will give me.)

I believe that its ok to feel the need to take prompt action about something especially when it comes to our feelings because if we don’t deal with them they may lead to us committing haram or denying ourselves something that could truly make us happy. Also, these feelings are normal and cannot be ignored as Allah has given it to us for a reason. What I don’t agree with is my approach of rushing into things. I’m still trying to find a balance of (I’m not going to use the word appease as that for me it provides a negative connotation which does not denote a good balance) fulfilling my desire and needs with sabr. I appreciate that it takes time to learn sabr but I feel like I’m on the other side of the spectrum of not having any or enough sabr! In one of my recent blogs, I talked about wanting a baby and I found out that my next course of treatment would be IVF. I was so heartbroken that not only did the clomid not work but that I had to go on to IVF. For some reason, I honestly believed that there were other treatments not as intrusive and more to do with helping the fertility system along still available to me. Also, the waiting list for NHS treatment for IVF is 2 to 3 years long. This leads me to think about ‘quick fix’ solutions and the one I came up with was adoption. I almost went through adopting my uncle’s baby! Alhamdulillah, I saw the long-term problems in this and re-evaluated my options. I’ve come to the point that alhamdula, I have a loving husband (InshAllah we stay in love for the sake of Allah) and that I need time to allow things to InshAllah happen naturally and also enjoy life more!!

Bath, well what can one say about a white stoned city? It’s full of history, students, a thunder box (I shall explain later) and white stone.

I wanted a weekend away with my husband in order for him to experience more of what England has to offer and also a break from my family. After much searching of the various cities in the UK, my heart was set on revisiting Bath. I had been there when I was 13 years old after winning a quilt making competition at my school and I remember being given £10 by mum and feeling so excited and rich that I spent it all. I had no money left to rehydrate myself from eating too many scones! So much for making it last. It took me sometime to find a guest house as the hotels were either too expensive or booked but even the guesthouse cost me £180 for two nights. Oh never mind, at least it was cosy and it had wonderful hospitality.

We packed our things a day in advance and we set off on the National Express for £38 return. (Funfare price - see I can save money!) The coach driver almost didn’t let us on as we arrived 7 minutes late for boarding. However, we begged the driver to let us on and thankfully he obliged us by opening the door and telling us off. We arrived 3 hours and 30 minutes later only to have to track up a hill and pass many hedges to our guesthouse. We were told it would take us less than 12 minutes to get there as we were young but it took us 20 minutes instead. It was good exercise.

We wanted to explore the city by foot but got lost at every direction despite peoples best efforts to point us in the right direction. We thought that the best way to see what the city had to offer was to follow the American and Malaysian tourist and purchase tickets for the tour bus. This had to be the highlight of our journey as not only did we rest feet get to rest but the guides had an impressive knowledge of the city. We took the bus around 7 seven times. It cost us £16 for 2 days use of the tour bus.

Bath has a population of around 80,000 people of which 20,000 are University students. The architecture is very impressive especially around Queen Square, the Abbey and the Roman Baths. In particular only one house has a thunder box which is basically a Victorian toilet. Unfortunately, the toilet was so unstable that many people apparently fell through it. Talk about being relieved! Also, some of the lavish houses seemed to have been occupied by mistresses of Kings’ and Dukes. King William IV had 22 children with his mistress and none with his wife. Unfortunately, as the children were illegitimate and he was succeeded by his niece Queen Victoria.

As you know, I’m a huge Jane Austen fan and the first place I visited was the Jane Austen Centre. We were greeted by Mr Darcy who was more charming than Jane’s Darcy. By this time I was so excited that I accidentally ran off and left my husband in the gift shop when I went to purchase the tickets. Unfortunately, the Centre was not all that it cracked up to be. They overcharged for the tickets for a talk which lasted about 15 minutes and a basement that had a few costumes from the ITV remake of Persuasions. Bath’s claim to Jane was that she lived for five years after her father retired but more interestingly is that Jane absolutely hated Bath even though she based Persuasion and Northanger Abbey on Bath. They did have a lovely tea room and I ordered the Jane Austen tea and Willoughby chocolate cake. My husband was not at all impressed with the Centre, more so as he didn’t understand anything people were saying and wanted only boring old regular coffee. He said he didn’t trust any food that was named after characters from books.

Overall we had a lovely time in Bath despite the down pour of rain. My husband was very much more fascinated by the Roman Baths and the Abbey. We dared each other to drink a whole glass of warm sulphuric water which I think the Museum distilled to such an extent that it didn’t taste so bad. Just needed a tea bag!

Let me set the scene, I'm like most people going through life trying to discover who they are but for me it has involved subconsciously making mistakes and NOT learning from them. I hope to create regular blogs to help myself (this is me trying to put myself first) and, those people who are interested in reading and even learning more about my experiences both good and bad. Inshallah this blog will be a journey to help me to learn from my previous plans and make new ones.

I want to thank my best friend for encouraging me to create a blog and whose blog happymuslimmama.com has inspirational stories.


I have had many plans of which I have not followed. I think the most vivid one is not completing University. To this day, I am still battling as to whether I should go back to Uni which is peppered with friends and family wanting me to go. However, the real question I have to answer is: Do I want to go? Not sure. No surprise there! I think the idea is great, wanting to challenge myself, achieve something academic which for me will make a prominent mark in my life and to prove to others especially myself that I can do it. But I'm not convinced by these points. I had a really bad experience at University and even worse lecturers. I'll never forget these infamous words: "Turn to your left; turn to your right these people will not be here next year." Well, I passed that year but that advice was a string of bad advices I got which eventually broke me and made me feel negative about life. I was studying Law and as promised it was hard, time consuming, demanding, pressurised BUT really interesting. (Sorry for using but all the time, I just like it! I think that is a metaphor for my life.) The idea of pressure started to get to me which made me feel more vulnerable than I was used to. I could not make sense of what I was doing in terns of studying and what I wanted my life to be. I started to feel desperate and marriage popped into my head which felt like the answer to my problems. As you will find out that that was a bad plan! It got to the point where if I could not achieve a First Class degree then I thought what was the point of doing it. Alhamdula, my sisters think differently but I still can't get the idea of being the best at everything including achieve a 1st Class degree out of my head especially as more people are saying its the best head start to a career and opportunities. Yet, my friend achieved a 2:2 and is now a qualified Solicitor. Good for her. I'm so proud of her. Inshallah, I will be proud of myself soon. I think one of the problems I still face is failure or just feeling ok with achieving the minimum - I feel I can do better but that mentality has not helped me so far! There are so many good and bad experiences that one has to decide what path they are going to take, feel comfortable about and stick to it. If you want to get the First Class degree, you can get it and if you get a Third Class degree you can still achieve that end goal without having to feel a failure for not going the traditional route. Carol Vorderman got a 3rd Class degree and she is successful and most people think she is brillant.

I think anyone interested in doing a degree or is studying for one, it is important you enjoy it and do it for the right reasons. Trust me you will love it more and it will help you do well without having to feel over pressurised. My sister was not brillant at school and she did something she loved at Uni and got a 1st Class degree with Honours. Im extremely proud of her. Go get the world sister!

In all, the question of restarting my degree will have to float over to more blogs before a possible answer.

I leave this blog on a positive note and that is I am becoming a happier person even though I'm not the best Solicitor in the world, yet!