Sister's Big Plan

I have to admit I don’t handle constructive criticism very well. It’s one of those things that back dates to primary school.

Usually people react to criticism by avoiding it, taking it to heart or reacting aggressively to it. Criticism can be helpful if it is specific, acknowledges positives, is calm, to the point, doesn't stereotype or label people and is focused on a person's behaviour rather than an attack on the person.
I tried to google for some tips on how to best handle such situations and this is what I call the good girl answer:
Here are some tips to use criticism assertively:
• Face and listen to criticism rather than avoid it.
• Don't take it to heart.
• React calmly and respect others rights, there is no point attacking the person.
• Be prepared for constructive criticism.
• See constructive criticism as useful to everyone concerned. Being open to constructive criticism can be tough at first. Remember, you too can make constructive criticism. This does not include blaming, put-downs or attempting to hurt someone to get what you want.

I read this a few times but it didn’t inspire confidence within me. I wanted a more cracking solution than the textbook answer.

When someone offers compliments first, and then goes on to point out the errors, likely as not, they are offering constructive criticism with good intentions.
I believe that how to determine if the criticism is right or wrong is never take one person's criticism seriously, but take two or three of the same opinions more seriously. One person can be wrong, two people may be wrong, but if you hear the same criticism from three different people, you may want to pay attention.
However, even in a situation where four people have the same criticism it doesn't necessarily mean they are right. Remember, the film "Titanic" was criticized harshly by several film critics.

Criticism should be viewed like a jury returning from deliberating in a criminal trial. When a criminal is accused of a crime, we don't put it in the hands of three jurors or even six. We put it in the hands of twelve.

However, there is a right and wrong way to criticise. Constructive criticism is given by someone who is honestly pointing out what they believe to be errors in an attempt to help you correct them. Destructive criticism is a blatant put-down with every intention of making you look bad. The key is to recognize the difference.

I have been having infrequent discuss with a lady at work about goals in life. She is an intelligent, thoughtful, well-dressed pretty woman. She seems to ooze confidence and energy for life. I had this picture in my head of various achievements in her life like a degree, husband and well travelled. However, after a long discussion, she made me realise that appearances can be deceiving.

She had studied three years for a degree but had failed or dropped out due to difficult circumstances in her life. She explained that her father had died when she was young and her mother worked and brought up her, her brother and sister. She then went on to tell me she was 36 years old (I honestly believed she was 28) and had come to peace with not completing her degree. She expressed she was happy and content with her achievements but she could not hide the fact that there was something missing in her life. Maybe a husband? I dared not to ask!! She was brought as a Christian but was not practicing. She carried herself with respect, honesty, dignity and humility; qualities I believe are Islamic. However, what made her even more interesting was the fact that she had helped her mum to raise her brother and sister. She stills lives at home and it appeared to me that her mum is a strong source of comfort and love for her. Her mum gave her the freedom to go away to university but unfortunately that did not work out for her. I loved the fact that she was content with not going back to uni. She is proud of who she is and what she has achieved. I want this - InshaAllah! However, subhanAllah, she came into my life at time when I am struggling to make sense of my academic achievements. My current battle with whether I want to go to uni has been with me for seven years! The time has come for me to make a decision and I don’t want to defer for another year. For me, I believe it’s either now or never. I don’t want this decision to be the vane of my existence (I know, it is putting it strongly but unfortunately my emotions are running high on this subject). May Allah help me make the right decision.

I look back and I think back to all the things I have achieved compared to what I haven’t. I think the proudest moment of my academic life was representing my husband in Immigration Tribunal Court and finding out that I had won his case. Hooray! I want to hold on to these achievements regardless of whether I go back to uni or not.

I think the moral to this story is firstly, don’t judge a book by its cover, be happy and content with your life as Allah knows what’s best and even if you are 36, not married, no kids and no degree – just enjoy what you have in life and keep making achievable goals. I will try to put this into practice especially in analysing whether getting a degree is an achievable goal.

My best friend recommended that I try and find a way to release my blues but in a constructive manner. She suggested I should think more about my senses to see how best I could utilise them in order to feel less like throttling my manager and more like drawing a picture of butteries to release my misery energy. What’s yours? What senses do you use the most: Visual? Maybe it’s drawing or doodling? Aural? Maybe its music or singing or nasheeds. Is it sensual? Maybe it’s massage, breathing or meditation. However, my best friend’s advice came with a caution: She wouldn't recommend taste, as one could use it to substitute food for work because one can get so bored. This could then lead to health problems, as one is more likely to want a sugar fix than a fruit fix.

I may need to try a few things like writing more for my blog to see whether that really helps. I love chatting and getting things out. However, my manager does see eye to eye on me going off to chat to work colleagues even though I get my work done and it’s also important to have regular breaks away from my computer. Alhamdulliah.

I’ve been trying to finds in which to express myself constructively. I have thought about boxing (my brother has the whole gear at home.) I haven’t done it long enough to see if it works – However, it made me mad about people, which was not really getting me anywhere. I really want to join the gym. My husband laughs at me when I say that as last time I went which was 9 months ago I complained of so many pains that I never returned. Everyone, including my doctors keep telling me I need to exercise more! Well, I have a problem as last time I went to the gym, the male instructor kept touching my legs and arms to get me in the right positions for the routines but I didn’t have the confidence to tell him to get lost! It’s hard to find a gym near me that caters to Muslim women. There are some but that are too far away! I need to come up with a plan where I can attend my local gym and feel secure in the fact that I’m not jeopardise my security as a Muslim woman. Suggestions welcome.

At the moment, I am very much into films and restaurants (well the food in them!!). So maybe I can find my mojo through my visual and taste senses. I recently watched The Happening (Director M. Night Shyamalan of “Sixth Sense” and my personal favourite, “Signs”). I was kind of disappointed by the movie especially of generally what was happening to the people (I don’t want to spoil for those who may wish to see it). Also, it didn’t have the big revelation at the end which is what Shyamalan is good at. Shyamalan recently said in an interview that he was inspired by the film The Birds which basically uses the strategy of continuous tension and suspense to engage the audience but has no major revelation in the film. It basically meant to make people to pick up a popcorn and never put it down. A friend advised me to start doing reviews for films but for me that takes the joy of watching them. I don’t like the idea of analysing something in order to come up with a clever critical analyse of it. Also, I have this thing of seeing work as being a mundane task which if I started reviews would take the fun out of watching films. However, being the optimistic person that I am maybe I will become a film critic but for halah films.

I have problems being confident especially in making decisions and when I do I can’t live with them. Take for instance today at work. I haven’t been that happy there and this is more so due to my manager. I thought on the bus I need to do something about this and decided a move would be appropriate i.e. a change of desk. The first excuse I could come up with was ‘back problems’ and then my manager tried to adjust my chair and fiddle with my back seat. I wanted to be assertive so I literally took my chair to a desk I wanted to move to. I tired to justify this action by saying I had problems with sunlight (not true) and that my new desk was a bit smaller which didn’t convince my manager as their desk had been chopped by a third. Started to get worried and the anxiety kicked. I thought I've probably made another wrong move so thought that the best thing I could do was find an opportunity to be super nice. I can’t believe I said this: “I miss my desk, I want to come back”. Thankfully, my manager laughed and called me a “joker” and I felt relieved. But this caused me another problem. How do I stay at my new desk permanently? Possibly going on about sunlight? Coming up with a ridiculously disgusting story which means my manager wants me to stay where I am? Ahh the decisions to make and how to stick by them.

Why oh why do I let these things get to me. I need some peace out from my mentality. I need to become that person who lives carefree and dam the consequences. May make life a lot easier. I know that that is not the ideal way to live but its better than worrying about all the bits and bobs of why did she say that? Why is this happening to me? Was that the right thing to say or do? Hey crumber. Worst of all is when people tell you to watch your back from so and so. I know that is only friendly advice but I’m already paranoid and I don’t need something else to fuel it. There is plenty of coal in that fire!

I know some people learn to ignore certain people or problems or take a laid back attitude to it. But being advised not to worry is not easy and not always the best advice as one is already worrying and you can’t switch it off like a switch. I still test possible solutions like buying chocolate, going to cinemas, chatting to friends just something to keep the mind occupied from the worry. However, there is a deeper problem and one that cannot be ignored. One needs to discover and learn ways to fix it. Being happy and keeping faith is definitely the best cure.

A quote from my best friend: “We can trust Allah, if we are scared of Allah, then we are not scared of anyone, if we are not scared of Allah but of people, then everything will scare us”.

Easier said than done as always, but something to aspire to.

Peace out!