Sister's Big Plan

Hajj is a pilgrimage a Muslim person takes once in their lifetime. It is the largest annual pilgrimage in the world. It is the fifth pillar of Islam, an obligation that must be carried out at least once in our lifetime by every able-bodied Muslim who can afford to do so. It is a demonstration of the solidarity of the Muslim people, and our submission to Allah.

The Hajj is associated with the life of Prophet Muhammed peace and blessing be upon him (PBUH), but the ritual of pilgrimage to Makkah stretches back to the time of Ibrahim and Isma'il. Pilgrims join processions of hundreds of thousands of people, who simultaneously converge on Makkah for the week of the Hajj, and perform a series of rituals. As part of the Hajj, each person walks counter-clockwise seven times around the Kaaba, the cube-shaped building which acts as the Muslim direction of prayer (qibla); runs back and forth between the hills of Al-Safa and Al-Marwah; drinks from the Zamzam Well; goes to the plains of Mount Arafat to stand in vigil; and Jamara (throws stones in a ritual Stoning of Satan). The pilgrims then shave their heads, perform an animal sacrifice, and celebrate the three day global festival of Eid al-Adha.

Both my husband and I wanted to take this trip of a life time while we were still young. Given my diabetes, I didn't think it would be fair on myself and Allah to wait until it was either too late or my body wouldn't allow me to complete all the rituals. Also, the journey would allow me to be spiritually closer to the Almighty, rid my sins, bless my marriage and help me start a new chapter in my life. I had the idea of Hajj instilled in my head for about three years thanks to my best friend. May Allah reward her. I was waiting for my husband and the right time to take this journey and it came. All the highest praise and thanks belong to Almighty Allah. Honestly, as I write this blog, I still can't believe I took this amazing journey. Alhamdula.

About three million pilgrims participated in this year’s pilgrimage. The Saudi government invested millions to accommodate us all and I have to say they did a brilliant job! We were received with open arms and given food parcels at various stops. This warmth rippled with my group who were from all over the world. We were like a mini version of the rest of the millions that had flocked for Hajj. This mix helped to form new bonds, encourage team work, patience and importantly we were able to support the weak and elderly.

The group leaders advised on various tours including visiting the graves of the Prophet Mohammed’s (PBUH) companions. However, I was anxious to see the Ka’ba. I had to keep pinching and reassuring myself that I was in Saudi Arabia about to take the same path as the Prophet (PBUH) did. I kept thinking maybe this isn’t my time and someone was going to tell me to get back on the plane!! I remember on the coach trying my best not to see the Ka’ba because I wanted my first look to be special. I believed the Ka’ba was taller than the Masjid Al Haram (Mosque where the Ka’ba is located) but, when I approached the Ka’ba I was greeted by the magnificent Masjid and had to enter the centre of it to see the Ka’ba. It was amazing! Even though the Masjid surrounded the Ka’ba, its stature overshadowed the mosque. I took a step back and contemplated. I felt my heart fill with love for Allah, peace and closeness to the Almighty.

My next big challenge was the Jamara. My family and some protective Iraqi ladies didn't want me to do the Jamara. They all believed that because I'm a diabetic, I would end being killed by completing this act. I understood their fear especially as so many unnecessary deaths occured here but wanted to prove to myself, them and importantly my love for Allah SWT. Nothing was going to stop me! The Jamara is usually packed with a lot of people who get very excited about this ritual and rightly so. The Jamara marks Ibrahim’s belief in Allah by throwing the stones at Satan when he tried to stop Ibrahim sacrificing his son for Allah. It symbolises ones belief in one Allah and overcoming ones internal battle especially with Satan. I honestly thought, I was going to die at the Jamara. I made peace with the idea of death as I felt spiritually uplifted and ready to see Allah in Paradise. So, when the moment came to throw the seven stones, I felt this huge burst of emotional energy. I cannot describe the feeling but I felt my spirit lift which helped me complete each act perfectly of throwing the stones within Jamara. Trust me; I failed at all ball games!! I then felt cleansed. A sense of peace washed over me. I wanted to cry but kept my emotions in check in front of my group! For the first time in my life, I experienced true inner peace.

The day of Arafat is considered the most important day of Hajj. It was filled with togetherness by everyone supplicating to Allah. I had all my books ready and found a spot in my tent to concentrate on Allah. I had a terrible hypo (low blood sugar) which forced me to lay down for most of Arafat. But Allah SWT still made it easy for me as I was able to do my supplications. I was also comforted and supported by ladies within my tent and my husband ensuring all my needs were taken care of. Alhamdula. My whole body felt at ease because it was naturally doing what it was born to do. Worship Allah. I laid down on the carpet and was fortunate enough to be next to a gap in between the carpets to feel the sand beneath me. It was too hot to go to the Mountain of Arafat and the sand allowed me to connect to Allah by contemplating on his sublime creations. The day seemed to go so quickly and as the heat subsided I was able to join others outside our tents and watch the sun go down as if into the mountains. The colours - red, orange, yellow and purple were amazingly floating next to each other. It was if they symbolised this equality amongst differences. I used the opportunity to join others in making further supplication to Allah. I still had this sense of peace which grew further in Arafat. It was wonderful to see everyone joined in prayers especially as they were all peaceful and tranquil. We were all equal, rich and poor, young and old, black and white. All the men were wearing their Ihram (two pieces of white cloth) and the women dressed in simple abayas. I’m not sure of anywhere else or any situation where people are so equal, together and peaceful especially in the sight of Allah?!

SubhanAllah, Allah made this journey easy for me and my husband in the sense that the ZamZam water stabilised my blood sugars and I didn't feel tired walking from Mina to Makkah. Allah also brought a special lady into my life who I shared emotions and experiences with especially when things got low (which alhamdula was very rare). It was an amazing experience. Life-changing. Made my problems, worries and day to day life feel unimportant. I felt like I was in my natural habitat, doing what I was born to do. When one lets go and does what their natural being was created for it then all falls into place and the peace comes swiping in. I was ready to come back home with this peace and to spread it to others.

The big step is to maintain the goodness of Hajj. Keep my slate as clean as possible. I'm trying to hold on to the peace and avoid the cinema and TV. This is going to be a bit tricky as I have used them too often as a form of escape. InshaAllah, I become a better person.

I made many realisations from Hajj:

1. Turn to Allah as only Allah can help you. Make 2 raka's and read the Qur'an especially when you are down.
2. Never have doubt that your duas during Hajj have not been accepted.
3. Create a prayer space and try to pray with people in your house.
4. Read daily the Qur'an and books on our beloved Prophet (PBUH).
5. Read on the Prophets (PBUH) wives and then the caliph’s.
6. Always send your praises to the Prophet (PBUH), family and the companions.
7. Believe that everything has a reason.
8. Only love for the sake of Allah SWT.
9. Have sabr (patience).
10. 40 days after Hajj your duas are accepted.

InshaAllah, I'll try and remember some more.

I send my peace and blessing to our beloved Prophet (PBUH), his family and the companions.

May Allah accept my Hajj and that of all the Muslims. Please make dua!

May Allah forgive me if I have made any mistakes in this post.

I have to admit I don’t handle constructive criticism very well. It’s one of those things that back dates to primary school.

Usually people react to criticism by avoiding it, taking it to heart or reacting aggressively to it. Criticism can be helpful if it is specific, acknowledges positives, is calm, to the point, doesn't stereotype or label people and is focused on a person's behaviour rather than an attack on the person.
I tried to google for some tips on how to best handle such situations and this is what I call the good girl answer:
Here are some tips to use criticism assertively:
• Face and listen to criticism rather than avoid it.
• Don't take it to heart.
• React calmly and respect others rights, there is no point attacking the person.
• Be prepared for constructive criticism.
• See constructive criticism as useful to everyone concerned. Being open to constructive criticism can be tough at first. Remember, you too can make constructive criticism. This does not include blaming, put-downs or attempting to hurt someone to get what you want.

I read this a few times but it didn’t inspire confidence within me. I wanted a more cracking solution than the textbook answer.

When someone offers compliments first, and then goes on to point out the errors, likely as not, they are offering constructive criticism with good intentions.
I believe that how to determine if the criticism is right or wrong is never take one person's criticism seriously, but take two or three of the same opinions more seriously. One person can be wrong, two people may be wrong, but if you hear the same criticism from three different people, you may want to pay attention.
However, even in a situation where four people have the same criticism it doesn't necessarily mean they are right. Remember, the film "Titanic" was criticized harshly by several film critics.

Criticism should be viewed like a jury returning from deliberating in a criminal trial. When a criminal is accused of a crime, we don't put it in the hands of three jurors or even six. We put it in the hands of twelve.

However, there is a right and wrong way to criticise. Constructive criticism is given by someone who is honestly pointing out what they believe to be errors in an attempt to help you correct them. Destructive criticism is a blatant put-down with every intention of making you look bad. The key is to recognize the difference.

My best friend recommended that I try and find a way to release my blues but in a constructive manner. She suggested I should think more about my senses to see how best I could utilise them in order to feel less like throttling my manager and more like drawing a picture of butteries to release my misery energy. What’s yours? What senses do you use the most: Visual? Maybe it’s drawing or doodling? Aural? Maybe its music or singing or nasheeds. Is it sensual? Maybe it’s massage, breathing or meditation. However, my best friend’s advice came with a caution: She wouldn't recommend taste, as one could use it to substitute food for work because one can get so bored. This could then lead to health problems, as one is more likely to want a sugar fix than a fruit fix.

I may need to try a few things like writing more for my blog to see whether that really helps. I love chatting and getting things out. However, my manager does see eye to eye on me going off to chat to work colleagues even though I get my work done and it’s also important to have regular breaks away from my computer. Alhamdulliah.

I’ve been trying to finds in which to express myself constructively. I have thought about boxing (my brother has the whole gear at home.) I haven’t done it long enough to see if it works – However, it made me mad about people, which was not really getting me anywhere. I really want to join the gym. My husband laughs at me when I say that as last time I went which was 9 months ago I complained of so many pains that I never returned. Everyone, including my doctors keep telling me I need to exercise more! Well, I have a problem as last time I went to the gym, the male instructor kept touching my legs and arms to get me in the right positions for the routines but I didn’t have the confidence to tell him to get lost! It’s hard to find a gym near me that caters to Muslim women. There are some but that are too far away! I need to come up with a plan where I can attend my local gym and feel secure in the fact that I’m not jeopardise my security as a Muslim woman. Suggestions welcome.

At the moment, I am very much into films and restaurants (well the food in them!!). So maybe I can find my mojo through my visual and taste senses. I recently watched The Happening (Director M. Night Shyamalan of “Sixth Sense” and my personal favourite, “Signs”). I was kind of disappointed by the movie especially of generally what was happening to the people (I don’t want to spoil for those who may wish to see it). Also, it didn’t have the big revelation at the end which is what Shyamalan is good at. Shyamalan recently said in an interview that he was inspired by the film The Birds which basically uses the strategy of continuous tension and suspense to engage the audience but has no major revelation in the film. It basically meant to make people to pick up a popcorn and never put it down. A friend advised me to start doing reviews for films but for me that takes the joy of watching them. I don’t like the idea of analysing something in order to come up with a clever critical analyse of it. Also, I have this thing of seeing work as being a mundane task which if I started reviews would take the fun out of watching films. However, being the optimistic person that I am maybe I will become a film critic but for halah films.

I’ve been pondering for a few weeks about my decision making process. I noticed a pattern in that when the going gets tough, I get going! My sabr seems to be the size of a goldfish when it comes to difficult situations, which has landed me in hot water.

I took a step back and sat with a friend to help me analyse the reasons for my mad decision-making. This is what we came up with:

1. I do far too much for my family
2. I’ve allowed my family to rely on me to do the silliest things like organise and buy plane tickets, make appointments with doctors!!
3. I’ve not allowed other things in my life to empower me like my education and career.
4. I have not learned to say ‘no’ enough.
5. I use the problems I face with my family as an excuse to quit my education and job.
6. I need to realise that the pressure at home is far too much and that anyone in situation would have cracked by now!
7. I need to focus on me me me
8. I need to disassociate myself from many of my family’s problems.
9. I need to find the right opportunity to move out and not use the excuse of my family being too much as this is counter productive as the real problem is how I’ve allowed them to affect my life. This will also leave a bad feeling in my heart and won’t really solve the underlying problem.
Way forward – A few suggestions:

1. Understand my mistakes.
2. Learn to grow.
3. Feel positive about who and what I am.
4. Say positive things about myself as putting myself down will just make me less confident.
5. Stop listen to that annoying gremlin on my left shoulder who keeps breaking my confidence and self-esteem.
6. Strength my Imam.
7. Turn to Allah.
8. Be a better wife.
9. Travel to other countries.
10. Stop hating my manager.
11. Stop always giving people advice and let them learn for themselves.
12. Go on a mediation course.
13. Get my own place.

This list will keep growing and InshaAllah I can fulfil them ALL.

Try and make a list of your own.

I’ve just come back from a trip to Morocco that has left me slightly exhausted but has managed to fulfil a certain whole in my heart!

The purpose of my trip was two folds. Firstly, to see whether I could adopt a baby and fulfil my ambition of being a mother and also gain a wonderful hasana from Allah (TWT). Secondly, my grandmother was becoming seriously ill and I wanted to see whether I could help her out.

I did some research on the adoption procedure and the main issue was getting a Home Study Report from the UK. Unfortunately, British law lacks the compassion and drive to help couples adopt more easily and quickly. There are stringent procedures local authorities must follow which include having to intrude and investigate almost every aspect of a couples life before approval can be give to adopt a child. However, the chances of approval are not very high and can take up to a year to get this report. However, as a Muslimah, what brings me comfort in circumstances beyond my control is the fact the if Allah wants me to have something then no one can take it away from me. I just need to keep reminding myself of this.

I wanted to keep the purpose of my trip private due to the sensitive natures involved. However, once my aunt found out, it didn’t take long for the whole family to know. Allah (TWT) gave me a sense of peace because I had nothing to be ashamed of as only Allah (TWT) can give me a child. My family were supportive of my situation and reminded that I should sabr as I am still young and Allah (TWT) would grant me my own child. However, my feelings on this subject had become deep in that I wanted to adopt a child and show it love. I also wanted this feeling to bring me closer to Allah (TWT). I have to say that I did feel I was rushing into things in that I needed to prepare more before adopting a child as the suit case of baby clothes, dummies, a pram, baby car seat and love was not enough. However, I wanted to explore my options and let Allah lead me to the straight path.

Before I left I had a silly plan of how I would bring the baby over but part of me believed that it would be haram even though my intentions were honourable. So, I wanted to make sure I did everything the halah way. Within 2 days of my arrival in Morocco, I arranged with my Uncle to visit the adoption agency to see what documents were needed to adopt a child. The procedure seemed straightforward in that the couple had to be married, working, have a place to live and no criminal records. The papers would then be forwarded to the Court for approval and this would have taken a few months. Then the exciting bit happened, I was escorted to the orphanage to meet the children. I met 2 baby girls, 4 baby boys, 5 male toddlers, 1 handicapped boy and a 5 year old girl. It was wonderful! The first child I met was Aniss. He was a 6 month old boy who was crying in a pram. As soon as I ran up to him and lifted him up he stopped crying and started smiling and hugging me. It was such a beautiful moment. His smile lit up my heart and caused my whole body to smile. It was a blessing from Allah (TWT). I didn’t want to let him go but I also wanted to hug the other babies. They were all beautiful with their own sad stories. Aniss in particular was left under a tree to die before a stranger found him and took him to the orphanage. One of the baby’s was left at the orphanage by his mother who had suckled him for a few weeks and realised that without a father she could not financially take care of him. The carers at the orphanage begged her to take her son and even cried when she left, as they knew that the baby had bonded with its mother, which would leave him with a pain greater than the other babies. When I met this particular baby, it was still evident that there was some pain left within him even after a few months of being in the orphanage because when I put him down he started crying. He was anxious to be held, loved, wanted and cuddled. May Allah grant him and all orphans peace and a wonderful life.

My final stop in my investigation to adopt a child was at the British Embassy in Tangier. I wanted to see whether there was a more straightforward way of bringing a baby over without the need for a Home Study Report. Apparently, if Morocco had signed the Hague Convention then there was a possibility that I would not need this report. My hopes for adopting a child came to an end at the Embassy as there was no short cuts or easy solutions but to get this report. The Embassy did advice me to go ahead with the adoption and leave the baby with my family until I received the report. That was too horrible of a solution for both the baby and I. I would never have been able to tear myself away from my baby. However, I was not too heartbroken, a bit sad, a few tears but a sense of relief that I had gone about things the right way. InshAllah when I am ready I will try to get this report and adopt a child. I had at least tried.

This trip did have its ups and downs. However, the downs are overshadowed by the fact that I had a positive experience meeting these kids on several occasions even once with my husband. He found it too painful to return, as one child didn’t want to let him go when he left the orphanage. One of the sad things that is happening is the 2 baby girls I had met were adopted within a matter of weeks of arriving at the orphanage where as the boys and older children are finding it hard to be adopted. One theory is people’s genuine fear that the boys will turn out to be rebellious and less supportive than the girls especially when they discover that they have been adopted. I have to admit that my family persuaded me to adopt a girl. It didn’t take much persuasion as I have two brothers who I would have to say are not exactly the most easiest to have brought up and that is putting it mildly!!

The trip has also helped me realise that in time I will become a mum and that I should enjoy what Allah has given me now. Having a child is a huge responsibility. It is both mentally and physically draining. A friend of mine brought over her 20-day-old baby boy for me to take care of. I feed him, put him to sleep, changed him and basically didn’t want to put him down. He was so adorable. I loved every minute of it. However, the big test came at night. The night feeds were really hard and I kept worrying about whether he was comfortable enough and cot death (even though he was not sleeping in a cot!). His mum did sleep in the same room as me in case I needed some help but really she was fantastic as she left it all to me and trusted me to know what to do. Funny thing was, I was so desperate for him to stay awake so I could play with him that typically at 3am he wanted to play with me. I ended having to catch up on my sleep the next day. How pathetic! I was kind of relieved when they went home the next day, as I didn’t have the energy to take care of him nor the heart to leave him alone. I enjoyed the experience though and InshAllah I will get to experience looking after my own baby soon.

If anyone is considering adopting then go for it as the rewards are massive and remember how much goodness and benefit that you will InshAllah bring to that child.

Remember that for every orphan’s head you stroke, Allah (TWT) will grant you a hasana. May Allah (TWT) guide us all to the straight path and help the orphans lead a successfully happy Islamic life.

There have been times in my life when I have made rash and impatient decisions in order to appease my heart. My lack of sabr has caused me more trouble then was worth and InshAllah through this blog I hope to help others and myself to see whether this pattern in my life can be changed.

My brash decision to go to ‘any’ university is possibly my earliest memory of my lack of sabr having a major impact on my life. I never thought the decision through with regards to which uni would be best for me and what my alternative were before I decided to go to uni. I needed first and foremost to appease my family in order to show them that I was going to uni to advance my education and career and live up to the dream of being a Solicitor. Secondly, I need to appease my hearts aching need to go to uni to finish my education and realise my dream of practicing law. Thirdly, I didn’t want others to be disappointed with me. One of my bad habits is caring too much about what other people think! This has to stop!! I felt like I had told the world I was going to become a Solicitor and I didn’t want the world to feel I was a failure or a liar. This has taken me almost six years to realise but I was going to uni for all the wrong reasons but I still have a long way to go before I can understand what this means and how best to move forward from this experience. Unfortunately, I still feel at times that I’m not ready for uni (even though I applied to do a Law degree this Winter) and that my critics would love it if I failed. I know I have to stop thinking like this as it hasn’t got me far and is making me want to run away from the situation even more. InshAllah, I can come to some conclusion to my answer and move on to making better decisions that are for ME.

After leaving uni – I needed something to mend my broken heart. I felt that it had taken so much out of me. I needed a quick fix to my problem and something that would give meaning to my life. Marriage seemed like the answer! It took a long time before my parents agreed and took me seriously but that wasn’t my problem. Unfortunately, my parents did not know anyone in UK that would be suitable for me so they suggested someone from Morocco. My first husband was part of the family but was not well known. Out of my desperation and pressure on my parents to find me someone asap, they agreed after meeting him that I should marry this guy. I didn’t get to know him and within a few days we had done our nikah. All seemed well at first and then the marriage broke down very quickly. I didn’t feel wanted by him and Shatan (may Allah curse him) aggravated my fears to the point that horrible rumours began emerging, which discredited my first husband. Alhamdulillah, the marriage was only meant to last for a short time in order for me to get closer to Allah. I tried to learn from my mistakes but I still had the desperation of getting married and settling down. However, Allah wanted me to wait 2 years before I met and married my husband. Allah helped me realise that I needed to find a person who would make the marriage last and that was through having a strong deen. Allah answered my prayers and made me happy! (Thank you Allah for everything you have given me and will give me.)

I believe that its ok to feel the need to take prompt action about something especially when it comes to our feelings because if we don’t deal with them they may lead to us committing haram or denying ourselves something that could truly make us happy. Also, these feelings are normal and cannot be ignored as Allah has given it to us for a reason. What I don’t agree with is my approach of rushing into things. I’m still trying to find a balance of (I’m not going to use the word appease as that for me it provides a negative connotation which does not denote a good balance) fulfilling my desire and needs with sabr. I appreciate that it takes time to learn sabr but I feel like I’m on the other side of the spectrum of not having any or enough sabr! In one of my recent blogs, I talked about wanting a baby and I found out that my next course of treatment would be IVF. I was so heartbroken that not only did the clomid not work but that I had to go on to IVF. For some reason, I honestly believed that there were other treatments not as intrusive and more to do with helping the fertility system along still available to me. Also, the waiting list for NHS treatment for IVF is 2 to 3 years long. This leads me to think about ‘quick fix’ solutions and the one I came up with was adoption. I almost went through adopting my uncle’s baby! Alhamdulillah, I saw the long-term problems in this and re-evaluated my options. I’ve come to the point that alhamdula, I have a loving husband (InshAllah we stay in love for the sake of Allah) and that I need time to allow things to InshAllah happen naturally and also enjoy life more!!

Oh Allah help me in my time of need! I cant handle being managed by her.
Im trying to be a good muslimah and not back bite but I feel very hurt.
Oh Allah when I seem to be making progress with her something bad seems to happen.
I’m not sure what to do Allah?
I know she is writing something about me – possibly something bad.
How can I please her when she hurts me so badly?
Oh Allah help me!
Guide me Allah…Ya Allah make me feel better soon!
Help me Allah through my time of need and give me justice due to the pain I have suffered. Make me a better person from all of this and let me never experience it again.
Make her into a better, caring and loving person.
A muslimah to be proud of.
Also make us Muslims an Ummah to be proud of.
Ya Allah accept my prayer and grant me swift relief.
Ameen.