Sister's Big Plan

I don’t usually like to start off as a sour puss but I’ve been feeling low for a few days and am desperate to get this sadness out of my system. Crying has not really helped but praying has helped give me a sense of temporary peace and yearning to try and fix my problems.

I was told at work by a senior member of staff that my manager had been acting unprofessionally by bad mouthing me to another senior member of staff. They want on to tell me that the senior managers accept unreliable and false criticise or accusations from my managers like mine. I felt very low after especially as she complaining about me not being in when she had granted me the morning off from work! This temporary amnesia is apparently not uncommon as I believe she uses it as an excuse to bad mouth people to senior management to gain brownie points to climb up this pathetic civil service ladder of promotion. It hurt more so as my manager is Muslim and as a sister I expected more support and sisterhood since we had similar beliefs to tie us closer to each other. Unfortunately, I was wrong. However, what has been more alarming from this revelation is that two non-Muslims had noticed how badly she has been treating me and others and told me that as a she is a Muslim they expected more compassion and support from her.

I felt ashamed of her as a Muslim sister because not only has she created a bad impression of herself but she has done it in overtly outrageous manner in that everyone knows she likes to ‘suck up’ to senior management at the expense of others including her Muslim brothers and sisters. She even refused a brother leave to go to Friday prayers. To try and give myself some sense of peace I thought about how Allah is watching her and can feel my pain and how she could face Allah if she died tomorrow. One good way of being close to Allah and helping you better your imam is to think about death and I believe that my manager’s problem is maybe she is thinking too much about this life and not the hereafter hence her terrible actions.

I am trying my best not think bad thoughts of her and have made dua for her so that Allah brings her happiness and peace and that I can move to another position soon. But she has tested my patience. She has even made me cry! Alhamduillah. I believe that this is a test from Allah similar to that faced by Prophet (pbuh) when he was badly treated by the kufar but still showed kindness, sabr and civility to them. However, more importantly he did not want anything bad to happen to them but left it to Allah as Allah knows best. A sister pointed out that we shouldn’t wish badly on anyone as one day they may beg for forgiveness and become better Muslims. Inshallah, that happens to my manager but I also believe that Allah does not want a Muslim to be badly treated or made to cry. Part of me wants her to feel the pain she has put me through especially as I’m not the first nor will I be the last she makes to suffer. I’m trying to search for answers on this issue but have been confused and I pray to Allah I can be guided to an answer soon and be given some sense of peace.

I am going to try and ask my manager for a move as a vacancy has come up somewhere else. Please make dua that Allah grants me this move with ease and to somewhere better. May Allah grant you all ease in your time of need. Ameen.

I was diagnosed with diabetes when I was 3…yes 3! It was a huge shock for my mother who was also taking care of my brother who was 1 ¼ and my sister who was only 8 weeks old. May Allah bless my mum for her sabr, love and suffering.

I try to get my mum to relive the time of when I was diagnosed with diabetes and it’s not much but rather interesting. At that time the NHS (National Health Service) had a lot more facilities to support mothers and accommodate our needs. For instance, my mum was given a hotel room within the hospital to stay in close contact with me, lots of nappies and pre-filled baby bottles. Sounds great! Unfortunately, much to my disappointment, this supportive system does not exist anymore. Anyway back to my story...My mum had to learn to inject me and practiced daily with an orange. It took a long time before my mum eventually gave me my injections as I used to beg in Egyptian Arabic not to have anymore injections! I had an Egyptian nurse who taught me Arabic and apparently some not so impressive words like get lost! My dad had to work and deal with his father’s death so there was a lot going on at that time.

I can remember one vivid experience with my dad which is quite hilarious. My mum had gone to Morocco as her father had died. So, my dad was left for the first time ever with the responsibility to take care of three kids. One particular day, we had all got up late for school and my dad tried desperately to brush my long hair but to no avail. He quit and told me to do what I wanted with it. Yeppie, I thought as I wanted it left out for all to admire as my mum never let me leave it out. Anyway, my dad took us to school and about 2 hours later came rushing into my class to get me out. He had forgotten to give me my injection and I was none the wiser in the sense I had no symptoms of feeling tired or thirsty. He then asked me which toilet I wanted to go in to have my injection. I of course had to say the boys’ toilets because my dad is a boy and I wanted to see what it was like. So, we entered and it absolutely stank! However, the school secretary saw my dad kneeling over me to give me my injection in my bum and she screamed out “what the hell was going on”. Oh the embarrassment! My dad dealt with the situation and the secretary was left embarrassed by her reaction.

I have never known anything different. At first I thought everyone had to take injections but obviously this faded quite quickly when I noticed I was the only one at home flashing my bottom for my daily injections! Also, I got fed up of my siblings having the glory of eating as much sweets as they wanted when I couldn’t have even one. Oh how unfair. At that time, medical advice was not on the ball in that the doctors told my parents not to give me any sugar! This advice by the doctors was not clever as children/adults will have what they can’t have. Oh yes indeed. I ended up becoming an expert in smuggling sweets home and finding the latest stash. This ended up biting me in the back as a doctor threatened me with future amputations of both my arms and legs. I needed it as my blood sugars had become out of control when I hit my teens. Alhamdulliah, Allah is great as I didn’t have many problems and tried to enjoy life. It never really bothered me that I had diabetes as I saw it as the norm, a super power which no one else I knew had and that I would control it and not the other way around. My parents gave me the freedom to go on school trips and enjoy a few birthday parties. There are some things I do regret which is inevitable but overall Allah has helped me through the difficult times.

My diabetes is better controlled in the sense that I can now eat what I want and know exactly how much insulin to give myself. (Thanks to the DAFNE course - "Dose Adjustment For Normal Eating" - The basic principle is that for every 10g of carbohydrate, I need to take 1 unit of insulin; simple! So, 80g of carbohydrates I will take 8 units.) This way I’m avoiding any future complications like blindness and can practically eat whatever I want. Just need to watch my weight like everyone else. Before, the regime was very strict and it didn’t leave room for unpredictable situations like a friend bring in chocolate cake. How can anyone say no to that! Inshallah, there is a cure and even if it is not in my life time, I know that there are more difficult conditions to deal with. May Allah grant ease to anyone going through an illness, disease or difficult time. Ameen.

Bath, well what can one say about a white stoned city? It’s full of history, students, a thunder box (I shall explain later) and white stone.

I wanted a weekend away with my husband in order for him to experience more of what England has to offer and also a break from my family. After much searching of the various cities in the UK, my heart was set on revisiting Bath. I had been there when I was 13 years old after winning a quilt making competition at my school and I remember being given £10 by mum and feeling so excited and rich that I spent it all. I had no money left to rehydrate myself from eating too many scones! So much for making it last. It took me sometime to find a guest house as the hotels were either too expensive or booked but even the guesthouse cost me £180 for two nights. Oh never mind, at least it was cosy and it had wonderful hospitality.

We packed our things a day in advance and we set off on the National Express for £38 return. (Funfare price - see I can save money!) The coach driver almost didn’t let us on as we arrived 7 minutes late for boarding. However, we begged the driver to let us on and thankfully he obliged us by opening the door and telling us off. We arrived 3 hours and 30 minutes later only to have to track up a hill and pass many hedges to our guesthouse. We were told it would take us less than 12 minutes to get there as we were young but it took us 20 minutes instead. It was good exercise.

We wanted to explore the city by foot but got lost at every direction despite peoples best efforts to point us in the right direction. We thought that the best way to see what the city had to offer was to follow the American and Malaysian tourist and purchase tickets for the tour bus. This had to be the highlight of our journey as not only did we rest feet get to rest but the guides had an impressive knowledge of the city. We took the bus around 7 seven times. It cost us £16 for 2 days use of the tour bus.

Bath has a population of around 80,000 people of which 20,000 are University students. The architecture is very impressive especially around Queen Square, the Abbey and the Roman Baths. In particular only one house has a thunder box which is basically a Victorian toilet. Unfortunately, the toilet was so unstable that many people apparently fell through it. Talk about being relieved! Also, some of the lavish houses seemed to have been occupied by mistresses of Kings’ and Dukes. King William IV had 22 children with his mistress and none with his wife. Unfortunately, as the children were illegitimate and he was succeeded by his niece Queen Victoria.

As you know, I’m a huge Jane Austen fan and the first place I visited was the Jane Austen Centre. We were greeted by Mr Darcy who was more charming than Jane’s Darcy. By this time I was so excited that I accidentally ran off and left my husband in the gift shop when I went to purchase the tickets. Unfortunately, the Centre was not all that it cracked up to be. They overcharged for the tickets for a talk which lasted about 15 minutes and a basement that had a few costumes from the ITV remake of Persuasions. Bath’s claim to Jane was that she lived for five years after her father retired but more interestingly is that Jane absolutely hated Bath even though she based Persuasion and Northanger Abbey on Bath. They did have a lovely tea room and I ordered the Jane Austen tea and Willoughby chocolate cake. My husband was not at all impressed with the Centre, more so as he didn’t understand anything people were saying and wanted only boring old regular coffee. He said he didn’t trust any food that was named after characters from books.

Overall we had a lovely time in Bath despite the down pour of rain. My husband was very much more fascinated by the Roman Baths and the Abbey. We dared each other to drink a whole glass of warm sulphuric water which I think the Museum distilled to such an extent that it didn’t taste so bad. Just needed a tea bag!

Things have been rather hectic at home and I’m trying to find a balance in appeasing my family and husband. So far I’m not doing a good job!

I believe that being the eldest brings about too many responsibilities which if one does not learn to say ‘no’ to will eventually lead to unfortunate circumstances. For instance, my family are finding it hard to let me go and once this eventually happens, inshallah, I can only live one door away from them while my husband wants to live on the other side of the country. How to appease both is going to be a challenge and a half. I’m battling between both and trying not to make the wrong choices but what seems to be holding me back is my divorce. This feeling that I cannot hurt my family by my decisions because I am afraid that if this marriage does not work (I believe this is unlikely as both my husband and I have sworn never to leave each other regardless of what may happen) they will be there for me. What a dilemma, ha! Then there comes the time of dealing with all sorts crisis’s. This has to be left to Big Sis as she seems to be the only one that can prevent World War 3 from striking. I call this the Big Sister Syndrome.

The Big Sister Syndrome is not uncommon. If you are the eldest (male and female), sit back and think about what your role is in your family’s household and I’m sure that the list in your head is growing. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes being the eldest can bring its own rewards and benefits. I love the feeling of bring joy or resolution to a problem for my family. I love seeing their excitement when things have worked out well for them especially if I have helped in someway. Most of all, I love the fact that I brought my mother great comfort, support and joy to her life when others have failed her. I believe in my heart that Allah is happy with me for being there for my family but I ‘m slowly realising that Allah does not want me to be miserable with all the unnecessary responsibilities I have taken on. Allah would want me to be happy in my own home with my husband and inshallah kids.

I am waking up to myself and trying not to feel immense guilt when I don’t want to do something for my family. This feeling is becoming more prominent as my coping mechanisms are shamefully not working. I think they have taken me for granted and expected too much of me. This is partly my fault as I should have plucked up more confidence to say ‘no’ to them especially as they find it very easy to say it to me. Alhamdula. One particular occasion was when I managed to accidentally break a stack of plates. I asked my sister to help my mum clean everything up as I needed to ran some errands for the family by which she kindly told me to ‘get lost’. She was probably having a bad day and seemed very tired but I know that doesn’t excuse her from talking to me that way. However, what was most sad about this incident was that the broken glass was a metaphor of my life. I do feel like I’m in pieces and that I can’t tide up my life. As soon as the plates broke, I wanted to burst out crying and I ran out the door as fast as I could so I didn’t have to tidy them up. Alhamdula, mu mum was there for me and took charge of the situation which allowed me to stop thinking about all the negativity of that situation. Inshallah, I will be strong enough not to ran away from my problems and face my internal fears in order for me to move on and be more happy.

Many Allah help us all through our trying times. Ameen.

There are so many different lives out in this world that one wonders how they structure their lives in order to achieve day to day tasks or great things. For instance, doing a job, taking care of kids or studying. This may seem like a peculiar point to make but it is relevant in this fast moving world.

A friend is seeing a psychotherapist in order to understand this and other things. She is trying to make sense of mistakes she has made, how to overcome them and why she cannot move forward. The psychotherapist is helping her analyse the various situations affect her life and trying to find the route problem. I think many of us can benefit from psychotherapy which can be conducted not just by a psychotherapist but through other means like writing a blog. Although when a person cannot handle their problems or are lost or need proper guidance then a psychotherapist many be a good way in resolving personal problems.

It can be hard trying to multitask and to keep up the appearance of being a ace person at a particular job or task. However, a particular problem which can be hard to overcome is one’s self–perception. Wanting to meet those unearthly demands and creating unrealistic goals can lead to disappointment and failure. This in turn starts a vicious cycle of trying to achieve the impossible which then leads to heartache. If one steps back and congratulates themselves for what they have achieved that day then those positive remarks can build up your self-esteem and confidence. There are so many self-help books promoting interesting ideas some of which do and don’t work but in all I found the central theme not necessarily promoted by these books is to have faith not only in yourself but in Allah.

“With every difficult there comes easy”.

This beautiful saying from Allah denotes so much meaning but at its simplistic it can mean that the easiest tasks can present their own challenges but in turn can bring a reward because you have completed it. Lets take an example, writing minutes. This can be very simple but to some people it can present a challenge due to personal or external expectations which can then make the challenge seem impossible. However, when one stops thinking about all these expectations and completes the task to their best ability then the rewards is having completed it. Also, if you find this task easy then your reward might be less but still enough to boost your confidence to say to yourself well at least I did it! The key is to remember to give yourself the small pat on the back in order to allow those positive juices to continue flowing. It only takes one negativity to forget all your positives and there may be many more positives which you have achieved but need to learn to recognise no matter how small they maybe to bash away the negativity.

Inshallah brothers and sisters we can all find inner peace, confidence and happiness through the help of Allah.