Sister's Big Plan

I applied for a job as a Communication Manager to help me get away from my manager but more importantly to get me into a more challenging role. I didn’t want to get myself in a position where I wanted to fuss over my application but worked on a balancing my need not to stress vs making it a winning application.

I was content that I had produced a winning application. It seemed to tick all the right boxes and produce all the right answers. I waited weeks to hear the results of my application and on Friday 1st August I found out that I was unsuccessful. The reason being, I didn’t produce enough information on being a mentor and how I have helped myself improve within an organisation. What a joke! Alhamdula, the job was not meant for me as Allah has better plans for me.

A year ago, my attitude to this would have been I’m a failure or I should have got the job. It didn’t enter my psyche that Allah knows what is best for me. Something that we see is good maybe bad for us and something we see as bad maybe good for us. It’s a matter of putting things in Allah’s hands. I also believe that the feedback I received was not constructive in the sense that if there were valid problems with my application and areas I could have improved then they should have said so. However, it was like finding a needle in a haystack with all that unnecessary feedback. All I was reminded of was how articulate my application was but that didn’t really answer my question of how could I improve?

I suppose in light of all of this I’m happy that I received some positive feedback as I still have the determination to continue to find opportunities to climb the civil service ladder. I’ve decided not to complete my Law degree, as I would be doing it for all the wrong reasons. Alhamdulliah, I believe that this decision is right for me and I m slowly become content with it. Plus an added bonus to this decision is that my stomach pains have become less frequent since I made this decision!!

There have been times in my life when I have made rash and impatient decisions in order to appease my heart. My lack of sabr has caused me more trouble then was worth and InshAllah through this blog I hope to help others and myself to see whether this pattern in my life can be changed.

My brash decision to go to ‘any’ university is possibly my earliest memory of my lack of sabr having a major impact on my life. I never thought the decision through with regards to which uni would be best for me and what my alternative were before I decided to go to uni. I needed first and foremost to appease my family in order to show them that I was going to uni to advance my education and career and live up to the dream of being a Solicitor. Secondly, I need to appease my hearts aching need to go to uni to finish my education and realise my dream of practicing law. Thirdly, I didn’t want others to be disappointed with me. One of my bad habits is caring too much about what other people think! This has to stop!! I felt like I had told the world I was going to become a Solicitor and I didn’t want the world to feel I was a failure or a liar. This has taken me almost six years to realise but I was going to uni for all the wrong reasons but I still have a long way to go before I can understand what this means and how best to move forward from this experience. Unfortunately, I still feel at times that I’m not ready for uni (even though I applied to do a Law degree this Winter) and that my critics would love it if I failed. I know I have to stop thinking like this as it hasn’t got me far and is making me want to run away from the situation even more. InshAllah, I can come to some conclusion to my answer and move on to making better decisions that are for ME.

After leaving uni – I needed something to mend my broken heart. I felt that it had taken so much out of me. I needed a quick fix to my problem and something that would give meaning to my life. Marriage seemed like the answer! It took a long time before my parents agreed and took me seriously but that wasn’t my problem. Unfortunately, my parents did not know anyone in UK that would be suitable for me so they suggested someone from Morocco. My first husband was part of the family but was not well known. Out of my desperation and pressure on my parents to find me someone asap, they agreed after meeting him that I should marry this guy. I didn’t get to know him and within a few days we had done our nikah. All seemed well at first and then the marriage broke down very quickly. I didn’t feel wanted by him and Shatan (may Allah curse him) aggravated my fears to the point that horrible rumours began emerging, which discredited my first husband. Alhamdulillah, the marriage was only meant to last for a short time in order for me to get closer to Allah. I tried to learn from my mistakes but I still had the desperation of getting married and settling down. However, Allah wanted me to wait 2 years before I met and married my husband. Allah helped me realise that I needed to find a person who would make the marriage last and that was through having a strong deen. Allah answered my prayers and made me happy! (Thank you Allah for everything you have given me and will give me.)

I believe that its ok to feel the need to take prompt action about something especially when it comes to our feelings because if we don’t deal with them they may lead to us committing haram or denying ourselves something that could truly make us happy. Also, these feelings are normal and cannot be ignored as Allah has given it to us for a reason. What I don’t agree with is my approach of rushing into things. I’m still trying to find a balance of (I’m not going to use the word appease as that for me it provides a negative connotation which does not denote a good balance) fulfilling my desire and needs with sabr. I appreciate that it takes time to learn sabr but I feel like I’m on the other side of the spectrum of not having any or enough sabr! In one of my recent blogs, I talked about wanting a baby and I found out that my next course of treatment would be IVF. I was so heartbroken that not only did the clomid not work but that I had to go on to IVF. For some reason, I honestly believed that there were other treatments not as intrusive and more to do with helping the fertility system along still available to me. Also, the waiting list for NHS treatment for IVF is 2 to 3 years long. This leads me to think about ‘quick fix’ solutions and the one I came up with was adoption. I almost went through adopting my uncle’s baby! Alhamdulillah, I saw the long-term problems in this and re-evaluated my options. I’ve come to the point that alhamdula, I have a loving husband (InshAllah we stay in love for the sake of Allah) and that I need time to allow things to InshAllah happen naturally and also enjoy life more!!

I have problems being confident especially in making decisions and when I do I can’t live with them. Take for instance today at work. I haven’t been that happy there and this is more so due to my manager. I thought on the bus I need to do something about this and decided a move would be appropriate i.e. a change of desk. The first excuse I could come up with was ‘back problems’ and then my manager tried to adjust my chair and fiddle with my back seat. I wanted to be assertive so I literally took my chair to a desk I wanted to move to. I tired to justify this action by saying I had problems with sunlight (not true) and that my new desk was a bit smaller which didn’t convince my manager as their desk had been chopped by a third. Started to get worried and the anxiety kicked. I thought I've probably made another wrong move so thought that the best thing I could do was find an opportunity to be super nice. I can’t believe I said this: “I miss my desk, I want to come back”. Thankfully, my manager laughed and called me a “joker” and I felt relieved. But this caused me another problem. How do I stay at my new desk permanently? Possibly going on about sunlight? Coming up with a ridiculously disgusting story which means my manager wants me to stay where I am? Ahh the decisions to make and how to stick by them.

Why oh why do I let these things get to me. I need some peace out from my mentality. I need to become that person who lives carefree and dam the consequences. May make life a lot easier. I know that that is not the ideal way to live but its better than worrying about all the bits and bobs of why did she say that? Why is this happening to me? Was that the right thing to say or do? Hey crumber. Worst of all is when people tell you to watch your back from so and so. I know that is only friendly advice but I’m already paranoid and I don’t need something else to fuel it. There is plenty of coal in that fire!

I know some people learn to ignore certain people or problems or take a laid back attitude to it. But being advised not to worry is not easy and not always the best advice as one is already worrying and you can’t switch it off like a switch. I still test possible solutions like buying chocolate, going to cinemas, chatting to friends just something to keep the mind occupied from the worry. However, there is a deeper problem and one that cannot be ignored. One needs to discover and learn ways to fix it. Being happy and keeping faith is definitely the best cure.

A quote from my best friend: “We can trust Allah, if we are scared of Allah, then we are not scared of anyone, if we are not scared of Allah but of people, then everything will scare us”.

Easier said than done as always, but something to aspire to.

Peace out!

Let me set the scene, I'm like most people going through life trying to discover who they are but for me it has involved subconsciously making mistakes and NOT learning from them. I hope to create regular blogs to help myself (this is me trying to put myself first) and, those people who are interested in reading and even learning more about my experiences both good and bad. Inshallah this blog will be a journey to help me to learn from my previous plans and make new ones.

I want to thank my best friend for encouraging me to create a blog and whose blog happymuslimmama.com has inspirational stories.


I have had many plans of which I have not followed. I think the most vivid one is not completing University. To this day, I am still battling as to whether I should go back to Uni which is peppered with friends and family wanting me to go. However, the real question I have to answer is: Do I want to go? Not sure. No surprise there! I think the idea is great, wanting to challenge myself, achieve something academic which for me will make a prominent mark in my life and to prove to others especially myself that I can do it. But I'm not convinced by these points. I had a really bad experience at University and even worse lecturers. I'll never forget these infamous words: "Turn to your left; turn to your right these people will not be here next year." Well, I passed that year but that advice was a string of bad advices I got which eventually broke me and made me feel negative about life. I was studying Law and as promised it was hard, time consuming, demanding, pressurised BUT really interesting. (Sorry for using but all the time, I just like it! I think that is a metaphor for my life.) The idea of pressure started to get to me which made me feel more vulnerable than I was used to. I could not make sense of what I was doing in terns of studying and what I wanted my life to be. I started to feel desperate and marriage popped into my head which felt like the answer to my problems. As you will find out that that was a bad plan! It got to the point where if I could not achieve a First Class degree then I thought what was the point of doing it. Alhamdula, my sisters think differently but I still can't get the idea of being the best at everything including achieve a 1st Class degree out of my head especially as more people are saying its the best head start to a career and opportunities. Yet, my friend achieved a 2:2 and is now a qualified Solicitor. Good for her. I'm so proud of her. Inshallah, I will be proud of myself soon. I think one of the problems I still face is failure or just feeling ok with achieving the minimum - I feel I can do better but that mentality has not helped me so far! There are so many good and bad experiences that one has to decide what path they are going to take, feel comfortable about and stick to it. If you want to get the First Class degree, you can get it and if you get a Third Class degree you can still achieve that end goal without having to feel a failure for not going the traditional route. Carol Vorderman got a 3rd Class degree and she is successful and most people think she is brillant.

I think anyone interested in doing a degree or is studying for one, it is important you enjoy it and do it for the right reasons. Trust me you will love it more and it will help you do well without having to feel over pressurised. My sister was not brillant at school and she did something she loved at Uni and got a 1st Class degree with Honours. Im extremely proud of her. Go get the world sister!

In all, the question of restarting my degree will have to float over to more blogs before a possible answer.

I leave this blog on a positive note and that is I am becoming a happier person even though I'm not the best Solicitor in the world, yet!