Sister's Big Plan

Hajj is a pilgrimage a Muslim person takes once in their lifetime. It is the largest annual pilgrimage in the world. It is the fifth pillar of Islam, an obligation that must be carried out at least once in our lifetime by every able-bodied Muslim who can afford to do so. It is a demonstration of the solidarity of the Muslim people, and our submission to Allah.

The Hajj is associated with the life of Prophet Muhammed peace and blessing be upon him (PBUH), but the ritual of pilgrimage to Makkah stretches back to the time of Ibrahim and Isma'il. Pilgrims join processions of hundreds of thousands of people, who simultaneously converge on Makkah for the week of the Hajj, and perform a series of rituals. As part of the Hajj, each person walks counter-clockwise seven times around the Kaaba, the cube-shaped building which acts as the Muslim direction of prayer (qibla); runs back and forth between the hills of Al-Safa and Al-Marwah; drinks from the Zamzam Well; goes to the plains of Mount Arafat to stand in vigil; and Jamara (throws stones in a ritual Stoning of Satan). The pilgrims then shave their heads, perform an animal sacrifice, and celebrate the three day global festival of Eid al-Adha.

Both my husband and I wanted to take this trip of a life time while we were still young. Given my diabetes, I didn't think it would be fair on myself and Allah to wait until it was either too late or my body wouldn't allow me to complete all the rituals. Also, the journey would allow me to be spiritually closer to the Almighty, rid my sins, bless my marriage and help me start a new chapter in my life. I had the idea of Hajj instilled in my head for about three years thanks to my best friend. May Allah reward her. I was waiting for my husband and the right time to take this journey and it came. All the highest praise and thanks belong to Almighty Allah. Honestly, as I write this blog, I still can't believe I took this amazing journey. Alhamdula.

About three million pilgrims participated in this year’s pilgrimage. The Saudi government invested millions to accommodate us all and I have to say they did a brilliant job! We were received with open arms and given food parcels at various stops. This warmth rippled with my group who were from all over the world. We were like a mini version of the rest of the millions that had flocked for Hajj. This mix helped to form new bonds, encourage team work, patience and importantly we were able to support the weak and elderly.

The group leaders advised on various tours including visiting the graves of the Prophet Mohammed’s (PBUH) companions. However, I was anxious to see the Ka’ba. I had to keep pinching and reassuring myself that I was in Saudi Arabia about to take the same path as the Prophet (PBUH) did. I kept thinking maybe this isn’t my time and someone was going to tell me to get back on the plane!! I remember on the coach trying my best not to see the Ka’ba because I wanted my first look to be special. I believed the Ka’ba was taller than the Masjid Al Haram (Mosque where the Ka’ba is located) but, when I approached the Ka’ba I was greeted by the magnificent Masjid and had to enter the centre of it to see the Ka’ba. It was amazing! Even though the Masjid surrounded the Ka’ba, its stature overshadowed the mosque. I took a step back and contemplated. I felt my heart fill with love for Allah, peace and closeness to the Almighty.

My next big challenge was the Jamara. My family and some protective Iraqi ladies didn't want me to do the Jamara. They all believed that because I'm a diabetic, I would end being killed by completing this act. I understood their fear especially as so many unnecessary deaths occured here but wanted to prove to myself, them and importantly my love for Allah SWT. Nothing was going to stop me! The Jamara is usually packed with a lot of people who get very excited about this ritual and rightly so. The Jamara marks Ibrahim’s belief in Allah by throwing the stones at Satan when he tried to stop Ibrahim sacrificing his son for Allah. It symbolises ones belief in one Allah and overcoming ones internal battle especially with Satan. I honestly thought, I was going to die at the Jamara. I made peace with the idea of death as I felt spiritually uplifted and ready to see Allah in Paradise. So, when the moment came to throw the seven stones, I felt this huge burst of emotional energy. I cannot describe the feeling but I felt my spirit lift which helped me complete each act perfectly of throwing the stones within Jamara. Trust me; I failed at all ball games!! I then felt cleansed. A sense of peace washed over me. I wanted to cry but kept my emotions in check in front of my group! For the first time in my life, I experienced true inner peace.

The day of Arafat is considered the most important day of Hajj. It was filled with togetherness by everyone supplicating to Allah. I had all my books ready and found a spot in my tent to concentrate on Allah. I had a terrible hypo (low blood sugar) which forced me to lay down for most of Arafat. But Allah SWT still made it easy for me as I was able to do my supplications. I was also comforted and supported by ladies within my tent and my husband ensuring all my needs were taken care of. Alhamdula. My whole body felt at ease because it was naturally doing what it was born to do. Worship Allah. I laid down on the carpet and was fortunate enough to be next to a gap in between the carpets to feel the sand beneath me. It was too hot to go to the Mountain of Arafat and the sand allowed me to connect to Allah by contemplating on his sublime creations. The day seemed to go so quickly and as the heat subsided I was able to join others outside our tents and watch the sun go down as if into the mountains. The colours - red, orange, yellow and purple were amazingly floating next to each other. It was if they symbolised this equality amongst differences. I used the opportunity to join others in making further supplication to Allah. I still had this sense of peace which grew further in Arafat. It was wonderful to see everyone joined in prayers especially as they were all peaceful and tranquil. We were all equal, rich and poor, young and old, black and white. All the men were wearing their Ihram (two pieces of white cloth) and the women dressed in simple abayas. I’m not sure of anywhere else or any situation where people are so equal, together and peaceful especially in the sight of Allah?!

SubhanAllah, Allah made this journey easy for me and my husband in the sense that the ZamZam water stabilised my blood sugars and I didn't feel tired walking from Mina to Makkah. Allah also brought a special lady into my life who I shared emotions and experiences with especially when things got low (which alhamdula was very rare). It was an amazing experience. Life-changing. Made my problems, worries and day to day life feel unimportant. I felt like I was in my natural habitat, doing what I was born to do. When one lets go and does what their natural being was created for it then all falls into place and the peace comes swiping in. I was ready to come back home with this peace and to spread it to others.

The big step is to maintain the goodness of Hajj. Keep my slate as clean as possible. I'm trying to hold on to the peace and avoid the cinema and TV. This is going to be a bit tricky as I have used them too often as a form of escape. InshaAllah, I become a better person.

I made many realisations from Hajj:

1. Turn to Allah as only Allah can help you. Make 2 raka's and read the Qur'an especially when you are down.
2. Never have doubt that your duas during Hajj have not been accepted.
3. Create a prayer space and try to pray with people in your house.
4. Read daily the Qur'an and books on our beloved Prophet (PBUH).
5. Read on the Prophets (PBUH) wives and then the caliph’s.
6. Always send your praises to the Prophet (PBUH), family and the companions.
7. Believe that everything has a reason.
8. Only love for the sake of Allah SWT.
9. Have sabr (patience).
10. 40 days after Hajj your duas are accepted.

InshaAllah, I'll try and remember some more.

I send my peace and blessing to our beloved Prophet (PBUH), his family and the companions.

May Allah accept my Hajj and that of all the Muslims. Please make dua!

May Allah forgive me if I have made any mistakes in this post.

I joined an Islamic Sunday class, which is intended for new Muslims, those interested in the deen or people who want to increase their knowledge of Islam. I’ve been attending the class on and off for about a year but the last few months I’ve been very good and been going quite regularly. The topics have been more interesting. Plus I wanted to seek the correct knowledge from a trusted Shaykh. I should add that it took a few months but I finally was able to get into flow of the Shaykh’s English. Poor thing, he was trying his best to make the lecture as fluent as possible but ended up getting himself caught up with complex words and his accent. Alhamdula, May Allah reward him – I am now able to pick up most of what he is saying.

The Shaykh has been fantastic in finding the middle ground on all topics especially hot issues like Suni and Shia. He said that we have no right to say one sect is right or wrong. That is up to Allah SWT but that we should remember to follow the Quran and Hadith and InshaAllah we will not go wrong.

I’ve always been able to collect useful tips and guidance about the deen like the Prophet (PBUH) encouraging people not to be proud or shy to ask questions! This has helped me realise that if the Prophet (PBUH) wanted us to do such acts then why should I stop myself putting this into practice in the deen and other aspects of my life!!! But practice makes perfect so, I am still working on this.

The class has a mixture of people and I love seeing the reverts or those interested in the deen attend. I especially love the fact that I get to see more than one new face attend the lessons. I’ve made some good friends and in particular had a wonderful surprise in this week’s class.

A young Asian lady had been attending the class wearing a hijab who I managed to have a few conversations with her. I of course automatically assumed she was Muslim and I had a wonderful surprise when she informed me that she was taking the Shahada. She said that the moment for her had come about in the class, literally there and then, when someone asked her if she was a Muslim. It told them straight out that she had the intention to take Shahada but wanted to do it when the time was right and that it was now. So, the moment was set for her and there was no stopping her. I and three other ladies sat next to her and the Shaykh asked her questions to ensure that she understood what she was doing and that she was ready. She was fluent and her answers convinced me! Then the amazing bit happened. The Shaykh started to ask her to pronoun the Shahada in Arabic. She was nervous, trembling. I could feel her nervous vibration, which set me off. I wanted to hold her hand but I didn’t want to stop her flow. When she said: “There is no god but Allah” that did it for me. It was as if I was taking the Shahada for the first time, like I was feeling Allah for the first time. It was amazing, overwhelming, spiritually uplifting and one tear managed to come out of my eye!!! The lady started crying and for me that confirmed her belief in Allah and that she was ready despite her worry that her family would react very badly. It also made me realise why I already thought she was a Muslim. She was already acting, talking and had an aura of a Muslimah. (Oh Allah, the feelings are flooding back as I write and my eyes are starting to fill up.) We were all caught up by the moment of spiritual bliss that we forgot to congratulate her until a man prompted us and we all took turns to kiss and cuddle her. She needed it and I could see that with sisters like this to support her then InshaAllah she would only grow. Also, despite being treated badly by Muslim prisoners and hearing awful stories on Islam, this proved that if one believes in Allah and wants to seek knowledge on Islam then if it is meant to be they will revert. There is no compulsion in religion just the right intention.

She told me that she was a Sikh and had heard terrible things about Islam until she met a man in prison who she had been giving career advice to. He helped her question her religion and the way her family practiced. She said that before this incident, it didn’t cross her mind to question what was the norm for her, what seemed right and practical. She explained that in her heart she only believed in one Allah and that she didn’t see the point of a priest being her pathway to Allah especially as they are human. Islam appealed to her but it took her sometime to take the Shahada because she couldn’t change what was haram about her lifestyle overnight. This is a classic problem, which unfortunately both non-Muslims and Muslims face alike. Alhamdullah, a revert lady helped her overcome this fear. It also gave me the opportunity to direct her to Aminah Assilmi. (Please see this fantastic video!) I informed her that this woman helped me realise why I needed to wear the hijab and the next day I wore it and alhamdula I’m still wearing to this day. Aminah explains that things need to be done “slowly, slowly” otherwise one will just become overwhelmed and go back to their old ways. InshaAllah it gave her some comfort. She still has a fantastic journey to take especially after she takes her bath and what the Shaykh called it “you will be like a brand new baby”. LOL

May Allah continue to guide this lady and many other Muslims, reverts or those interested in Islam to the straight path.

This is my first official fast for Ramadan. As a diabetic, I was told never to fast because it would make me ill. However, with development of DNA insulin this has meant that I am now able to fast.

Basically, insulin can be split into two. Background insulin, which covers sugars that the liver dumps, and quick acting insulin, which is used for carbohydrates that I eat. So, to fast I have to take my background and quick acting insulin at sahoor. It is important that I take my background insulin at set times so 4am and then again at 8pm in order to keep my sugars stabilised. I do not need to take any more insulin until Iftar. It is important that if you are a diabetic, you understand your illness and seek medical advice before fasting.

I had a few teasing problems with getting the right amount of insulin into my system which meant I haven’t been able to fast some of the first 15 days of Ramadan. I started having low blood sugars, which meant I had to break my fast otherwise Allah (SWT), would consider it to be invalid.

I’ve felt left out during Ramadan for the obvious reason that my diabetes wouldn’t allow me to fast. I wanted to feel that hunger, patience, experience what the poor go through, self-control and importantly being close to Allah (SWT). At one point, I felt a fraud because I found it hard to do 20 taraweh prayers even though my belly was full all day from enjoying all the wonderful food my parents prepared. Now that I more empowered myself with the knowledge of the deen, I believe that my illness was given to me for a reason especially in helping others who cannot afford insulin. I also realised that Allah (SWT) forgave me and others with illnesses especially to ease possible hardship. It is all about the intention and wanting to better oneself as a Muslim but without putting oneself in danger.

May Allah (SWT) make this Holy and best of all months a blessed one for all the Ummah. May Allah (SWT) accept everyone’s fast, prayers, duas, sadaqah and zakat. May Allah (SWT) make us stronger and better Muslims. May Allah (SWT) send us all to jina faradous. Ameen.

As we have entered the Month of Shaban lots of thoughts are coming to my mind regarding how I can improve myself as a Muslimah and become closer to Allah. Shaban is an opportunity to prepare oneself for Ramadan. The Prophet (PBUH) used to fast all of Shaban. “I never saw the Messenger of Allah, fasting in a month so profusely as he did the month of Shaban. He used to fast in that month leaving only a few days, rather, he used to fast almost the whole of the month”. (Reported by Aisha RA).

I think the best place to start is to examine how you pray. Ensure that your wudu follows the proper etiquettes and that you are following the right procedures for praying. One can increase the amount of time spent reading the Qu’ran (i.e.10 minutes a day and then keep increasing it) and making dikka. There is a fantastic pocket size dua book called Fortress of a Muslim which has duas ranging from when you feel pain to when it rains which one can start using if they want to have wider knowledge of the kind of duas one can make especially during Ramadan.

Use the opportunity Shaban brings to seek more knowledge. If you haven’t read it, try and get a copy of the Sealed Nector, which is a biography of the Prophet Mohammed (PBUH) life and is critically acclaimed by scholars. Shaban is an opportunity to examine oneself and reflect on past mistakes. Don’t dwell too much on the mistakes but use this thought process as a way to move forward and stop them happening again inshaAllah. I suppose for me its about the small things like not wearing my hijab when opening the front door or uncontrollably judging someone for wearing tight clothes with hijab! InshaAllah, I will continue to try and stop myself from doing these things and remember that in particular that this sister may have a stronger imam than I do!

Night of Bara’ah or ‘the night of freedom from the fire’ falls on 15th day of Shaban; Allah (SWT) comes down to the lowest heaven and asks his servants –“Is there any person repenting so that I forgive him, and any person seeking provision so that I provide for him, and any person with distress so that I relieve him, and so on until dawn”. (Reported by Ibn Majah) This is an opportunity to ask for forgiveness, make dua for good health, happiness and things you, your family and the Ummah needs in this life and the hereafter. This is a fantastic opportunity to revive the spirit and renew our closeness to Allah (SWT). May Allah accept your prayers, duas and intentions in this Holy Month.

I applied for a job as a Communication Manager to help me get away from my manager but more importantly to get me into a more challenging role. I didn’t want to get myself in a position where I wanted to fuss over my application but worked on a balancing my need not to stress vs making it a winning application.

I was content that I had produced a winning application. It seemed to tick all the right boxes and produce all the right answers. I waited weeks to hear the results of my application and on Friday 1st August I found out that I was unsuccessful. The reason being, I didn’t produce enough information on being a mentor and how I have helped myself improve within an organisation. What a joke! Alhamdula, the job was not meant for me as Allah has better plans for me.

A year ago, my attitude to this would have been I’m a failure or I should have got the job. It didn’t enter my psyche that Allah knows what is best for me. Something that we see is good maybe bad for us and something we see as bad maybe good for us. It’s a matter of putting things in Allah’s hands. I also believe that the feedback I received was not constructive in the sense that if there were valid problems with my application and areas I could have improved then they should have said so. However, it was like finding a needle in a haystack with all that unnecessary feedback. All I was reminded of was how articulate my application was but that didn’t really answer my question of how could I improve?

I suppose in light of all of this I’m happy that I received some positive feedback as I still have the determination to continue to find opportunities to climb the civil service ladder. I’ve decided not to complete my Law degree, as I would be doing it for all the wrong reasons. Alhamdulliah, I believe that this decision is right for me and I m slowly become content with it. Plus an added bonus to this decision is that my stomach pains have become less frequent since I made this decision!!

During a person’s life time they maybe lucky to experience the joys of having and marrying their first love. It’s a wonderful and exciting feel which can take you to places like cloud 9! However, there are pitfalls of having a first love which can turn that experience into something of a nightmare. I would like to explore in this blog the idea of having a first love.

I like, many others have had a first love. It was exciting, new, liberating and explosive. I hadn’t really thought much of boys and wanted to keep my distance from them as I always believed they were more trouble than I could handle. However, once that feeling of wanting to be in love hit me it was something I didn’t want to let go. Unfortunately, I didn’t go about it in the right way. Even though he lived in a different country (which I am so grateful for) I kept the romance a secret for fear of what my parents may say and do. As you may have guessed they found out and it was quickly over. However, as a terrible consequence my relationship with my father changed forever. My father didn’t handle the situation very well. It took sometime before he comforted me about it when we were watching a documentary about arranged marriages in Islam. My father took the opportunity to snap at me and I remember wanting the earth to swallow me up. This experience has left a bruise in my heart which has meant I have been unable to watch T.V. with my father for the last 10 years! But I have to say this is more to with indecent programmes now!!

I feel that Allah has helped me realise over the years that my first love was not the most halal way of finding my soul mate. Allah has stipulated for a reason why we cannot have boyfriends or girlfriends! My grandmother told me of a Hadith which states that when a man and a woman are together (who are not married or a Mehram) then Shaitan (make Allah curse him) is the third person. He will try his best to force them to commit haram and he will not stop at nothing to succeeded! Alhamdula, Allah will give us a nudge of fear to get us out of that situation but sometimes we refuse to listen and then asgrafallah one has to suffer the consequence of their actions like falling pregnant.

We have to remember that marriage is half our deen and that Inshallah when you marry you will not have to live with the guilt of past mistakes of having experienced a haram relationship and also enjoy the fruits of being in a halah relationship! To be able to experience new and wonderful feelings is only really special when you are married, as you know that Inshallah they will further develop and, bring benefits like a child but more importantly that marriage can lead to Jina.

There is a clock within us that starts to blare loudly arousing our feelings for the opposite sex. If the feeling becomes too strong to handle and you are afraid of committing haram then that is the time to consider marriage!! Inshallah, by making the right intention and seeking Allah’s help the right person will come along but that doesn’t give you the excuse to sit at home waiting for your ‘knight in shining armour’ or your ‘beautiful princess’ to come swarming into your life. No, brothers and sisters – you need to make a concretive effort to make sure your expectations are REALISTIC and you create opportunities to find that special person. Opportunities like going to Islamic weddings, spreading the word through family and friends, attending Islamic talks and if all else fails going to the mosque and speaking to an Imam. I did that and he introduced me to a few respectable guys but they were not meant to be! One guy in particular made think more about how strong my imam was and whether I should start wearing the hijab. May Allah reward him for instilling these beneficial thoughts, which eventually lead me to search for someone who had a strong imam. I ended going back to my native home and that is where I found my husband. There is no shame in marriage and at the end of the day we all have a makatib (person written for us by Allah). A friend once told me that our souls have met the person we were destined to marry. Well, my soul was quite busy as I ended up marrying twice and Inshallah the second marriage is for life.

I pray to Allah that all my brothers and sisters marry a person who will strength their iman, love them for the sake of Allah and, are rewarded with children and Jina Fardous. Ameen.

A tip for everyone – When you are going to meet someone, please take a brother, sister, Mehram or good friend as you want to start the intention on an Islamic note and not let Shaitan (may Allah curse him) be the third person there. Inshallah that way you can be happy in the thought that you are in the right Islamic direction and possibly meeting you kindred spirit!

I don’t usually like to start off as a sour puss but I’ve been feeling low for a few days and am desperate to get this sadness out of my system. Crying has not really helped but praying has helped give me a sense of temporary peace and yearning to try and fix my problems.

I was told at work by a senior member of staff that my manager had been acting unprofessionally by bad mouthing me to another senior member of staff. They want on to tell me that the senior managers accept unreliable and false criticise or accusations from my managers like mine. I felt very low after especially as she complaining about me not being in when she had granted me the morning off from work! This temporary amnesia is apparently not uncommon as I believe she uses it as an excuse to bad mouth people to senior management to gain brownie points to climb up this pathetic civil service ladder of promotion. It hurt more so as my manager is Muslim and as a sister I expected more support and sisterhood since we had similar beliefs to tie us closer to each other. Unfortunately, I was wrong. However, what has been more alarming from this revelation is that two non-Muslims had noticed how badly she has been treating me and others and told me that as a she is a Muslim they expected more compassion and support from her.

I felt ashamed of her as a Muslim sister because not only has she created a bad impression of herself but she has done it in overtly outrageous manner in that everyone knows she likes to ‘suck up’ to senior management at the expense of others including her Muslim brothers and sisters. She even refused a brother leave to go to Friday prayers. To try and give myself some sense of peace I thought about how Allah is watching her and can feel my pain and how she could face Allah if she died tomorrow. One good way of being close to Allah and helping you better your imam is to think about death and I believe that my manager’s problem is maybe she is thinking too much about this life and not the hereafter hence her terrible actions.

I am trying my best not think bad thoughts of her and have made dua for her so that Allah brings her happiness and peace and that I can move to another position soon. But she has tested my patience. She has even made me cry! Alhamduillah. I believe that this is a test from Allah similar to that faced by Prophet (pbuh) when he was badly treated by the kufar but still showed kindness, sabr and civility to them. However, more importantly he did not want anything bad to happen to them but left it to Allah as Allah knows best. A sister pointed out that we shouldn’t wish badly on anyone as one day they may beg for forgiveness and become better Muslims. Inshallah, that happens to my manager but I also believe that Allah does not want a Muslim to be badly treated or made to cry. Part of me wants her to feel the pain she has put me through especially as I’m not the first nor will I be the last she makes to suffer. I’m trying to search for answers on this issue but have been confused and I pray to Allah I can be guided to an answer soon and be given some sense of peace.

I am going to try and ask my manager for a move as a vacancy has come up somewhere else. Please make dua that Allah grants me this move with ease and to somewhere better. May Allah grant you all ease in your time of need. Ameen.

"And those who say: "Our Lord! Bestow on us
from our wives and our offspring
who will be the comfort of our eyes,
and make us leaders for the Muttaqûn

Those will be rewarded with the highest place
(in Paradise) because of their patience.
Therein they shall be met with greetings
and the word of peace and respect".
(Qur'an 25:74-75)

Marriage is a wonderful union Allah has given us - It provides so many benefits and it's half our deen.

During my traumatic time at University, I started searching for answers as to what to do with my life. I decided to quit Uni and my heart started looking for ways to fill a void that Uni did not fill. One solution which was always at the back of my mind was marriage. I believe I wanted to get married at 18 years old. I know that this might sound young but if you are the eldest of many siblings and have taken on a lot since you were small then one begins to mature quite quickly. Also, there was a small part of me that wanted to be emancipated from my family. Not in a bad way but more to do with having more freedom and less responsibilities in the most halal way. That for me was marriage.

At first my parent's didn't want me to get married so I ended up having to partly suffer with my feelings and be patient until Allah opened the door for me. A few years had passed and the search began for MR RIGHT. Unfortunately, my parents did not know many Muslim families who had young men I could marry. This was frustrating as my father seemed to know a lot of people but none he thought worthy of marriage. My father even thought I should marry my dumb cousin which was hypercritical of him as he always said that he wanted me to marry someone of high calibre and education – qualifications my cousin did not possess. Also, our problem laid in the fact that our house was not more open to people even though our deen requires us to be good to our neighbours. So, my only option was to find someone in Morocco.

Again my family could not find Mr Right for me even though I was not too fussy. They thought that the best option was for me to marry my second-cousin.

I flew out to Morocco to meet him. We met; he seemed like a good person and appeared to be marriage material. So, we did our Nikah (marriage contract). The family seemed happy but that wasn't going to last for long. Unfortunately, I got married too quickly without getting to know him properly. This was due to a mixture of my desperation, my family’s failure to find me someone and, for telling me that they knew him enough and thought he was the right one for me. After our engagement party, I flew back home extremely happy and on cloud 9. I honestly believed that this was a marriage I had been waiting for and I could final be at ease. However, as time passed I started making arrangements for our summer wedding. I was constantly calling him to keep communication going and to make our bond stronger. He of course never called and I began to have doubts. These second thoughts started to get bigger because of the small things he did or did not do and I began to question his intentions for our marriage. Then came the explosive event. My aunt went to visit him and his mother to help out with the wedding arrangements. She spent a week with them and then came the fateful call from my aunt. She confirmed my doubts by informing us that his intentions for our marriage were not honourable and that she had caught his ex-girl friend in his room.

Eventually after this incident and many others I asked from my Talaq (divorce). He refused to give it to me and there waged an almost 2 year battle to get it. I had the incompetent Morocco lawyer and no family members to really help me get my divorce. Of course, what made things a lot difficult was the fact I was in London and my divorce proceedings was in Morocco. During those 2 years, I changed significantly. I lost a lot of my confidence, saw another side to my family and, felt real desperation and despair. Things got really low for me both mentally and physically. I was searching for answers as to why this happened to me and how best to deal with it. I felt ashamed. I was almost willing to do anything. Someone told me to say Talaq three times and then I would be divorced. That helped me a bit but it’s more complicated than that. Surat Talaq was a great healer in many respects as Allah promises that there will be a resolution to a divorce. It allowed me to cry and made me feel that Allah was and is as closer to me as my jugular vein.

Alhamdula, I got my divorce but not before he slyly asked me to change my mind. I said to him in English (as opposed to Arabic) “no way Jose”. I was expecting a huge wave of happiness to hit me but it didn’t as divorce is one of those terrible things which you wish had never happened. You feel as if you have lost a bit of yourself due to that person. However, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

It is ironic though that a terrible thing like divorce brought me other benefits. If one sabrs (patient) then Allah will reward them with something better. “With difficult there comes ease”. This is a beautiful saying from the Quran. This ease is unexplainable hence it’s a special feeling only Allah can give you. I started to become closer to Allah and my deen. I eventually become closer to Muslim sisters, wore the hijab and found my wonderful new husband.

If anyone is going through a divorce or has just completed one then please don’t despair. One of the best advices I got which was only a few months ago was from a Muslim brother. He said that all marriages are written by Allah and some only last for a fix term in order for you to receive an important benefit from them. For me it was being closer to Allah and thus realising that I wanted to marry someone who would help my imam grow. It was not until I found peace within myself and stopped thinking about all the bad that had accumulated from my divorce that Allah sent this message to me through this Muslim brother. Inshallah soon you will find peace too.