Sister's Big Plan

I’ve just come back from a trip to Morocco that has left me slightly exhausted but has managed to fulfil a certain whole in my heart!

The purpose of my trip was two folds. Firstly, to see whether I could adopt a baby and fulfil my ambition of being a mother and also gain a wonderful hasana from Allah (TWT). Secondly, my grandmother was becoming seriously ill and I wanted to see whether I could help her out.

I did some research on the adoption procedure and the main issue was getting a Home Study Report from the UK. Unfortunately, British law lacks the compassion and drive to help couples adopt more easily and quickly. There are stringent procedures local authorities must follow which include having to intrude and investigate almost every aspect of a couples life before approval can be give to adopt a child. However, the chances of approval are not very high and can take up to a year to get this report. However, as a Muslimah, what brings me comfort in circumstances beyond my control is the fact the if Allah wants me to have something then no one can take it away from me. I just need to keep reminding myself of this.

I wanted to keep the purpose of my trip private due to the sensitive natures involved. However, once my aunt found out, it didn’t take long for the whole family to know. Allah (TWT) gave me a sense of peace because I had nothing to be ashamed of as only Allah (TWT) can give me a child. My family were supportive of my situation and reminded that I should sabr as I am still young and Allah (TWT) would grant me my own child. However, my feelings on this subject had become deep in that I wanted to adopt a child and show it love. I also wanted this feeling to bring me closer to Allah (TWT). I have to say that I did feel I was rushing into things in that I needed to prepare more before adopting a child as the suit case of baby clothes, dummies, a pram, baby car seat and love was not enough. However, I wanted to explore my options and let Allah lead me to the straight path.

Before I left I had a silly plan of how I would bring the baby over but part of me believed that it would be haram even though my intentions were honourable. So, I wanted to make sure I did everything the halah way. Within 2 days of my arrival in Morocco, I arranged with my Uncle to visit the adoption agency to see what documents were needed to adopt a child. The procedure seemed straightforward in that the couple had to be married, working, have a place to live and no criminal records. The papers would then be forwarded to the Court for approval and this would have taken a few months. Then the exciting bit happened, I was escorted to the orphanage to meet the children. I met 2 baby girls, 4 baby boys, 5 male toddlers, 1 handicapped boy and a 5 year old girl. It was wonderful! The first child I met was Aniss. He was a 6 month old boy who was crying in a pram. As soon as I ran up to him and lifted him up he stopped crying and started smiling and hugging me. It was such a beautiful moment. His smile lit up my heart and caused my whole body to smile. It was a blessing from Allah (TWT). I didn’t want to let him go but I also wanted to hug the other babies. They were all beautiful with their own sad stories. Aniss in particular was left under a tree to die before a stranger found him and took him to the orphanage. One of the baby’s was left at the orphanage by his mother who had suckled him for a few weeks and realised that without a father she could not financially take care of him. The carers at the orphanage begged her to take her son and even cried when she left, as they knew that the baby had bonded with its mother, which would leave him with a pain greater than the other babies. When I met this particular baby, it was still evident that there was some pain left within him even after a few months of being in the orphanage because when I put him down he started crying. He was anxious to be held, loved, wanted and cuddled. May Allah grant him and all orphans peace and a wonderful life.

My final stop in my investigation to adopt a child was at the British Embassy in Tangier. I wanted to see whether there was a more straightforward way of bringing a baby over without the need for a Home Study Report. Apparently, if Morocco had signed the Hague Convention then there was a possibility that I would not need this report. My hopes for adopting a child came to an end at the Embassy as there was no short cuts or easy solutions but to get this report. The Embassy did advice me to go ahead with the adoption and leave the baby with my family until I received the report. That was too horrible of a solution for both the baby and I. I would never have been able to tear myself away from my baby. However, I was not too heartbroken, a bit sad, a few tears but a sense of relief that I had gone about things the right way. InshAllah when I am ready I will try to get this report and adopt a child. I had at least tried.

This trip did have its ups and downs. However, the downs are overshadowed by the fact that I had a positive experience meeting these kids on several occasions even once with my husband. He found it too painful to return, as one child didn’t want to let him go when he left the orphanage. One of the sad things that is happening is the 2 baby girls I had met were adopted within a matter of weeks of arriving at the orphanage where as the boys and older children are finding it hard to be adopted. One theory is people’s genuine fear that the boys will turn out to be rebellious and less supportive than the girls especially when they discover that they have been adopted. I have to admit that my family persuaded me to adopt a girl. It didn’t take much persuasion as I have two brothers who I would have to say are not exactly the most easiest to have brought up and that is putting it mildly!!

The trip has also helped me realise that in time I will become a mum and that I should enjoy what Allah has given me now. Having a child is a huge responsibility. It is both mentally and physically draining. A friend of mine brought over her 20-day-old baby boy for me to take care of. I feed him, put him to sleep, changed him and basically didn’t want to put him down. He was so adorable. I loved every minute of it. However, the big test came at night. The night feeds were really hard and I kept worrying about whether he was comfortable enough and cot death (even though he was not sleeping in a cot!). His mum did sleep in the same room as me in case I needed some help but really she was fantastic as she left it all to me and trusted me to know what to do. Funny thing was, I was so desperate for him to stay awake so I could play with him that typically at 3am he wanted to play with me. I ended having to catch up on my sleep the next day. How pathetic! I was kind of relieved when they went home the next day, as I didn’t have the energy to take care of him nor the heart to leave him alone. I enjoyed the experience though and InshAllah I will get to experience looking after my own baby soon.

If anyone is considering adopting then go for it as the rewards are massive and remember how much goodness and benefit that you will InshAllah bring to that child.

Remember that for every orphan’s head you stroke, Allah (TWT) will grant you a hasana. May Allah (TWT) guide us all to the straight path and help the orphans lead a successfully happy Islamic life.

During a person’s life time they maybe lucky to experience the joys of having and marrying their first love. It’s a wonderful and exciting feel which can take you to places like cloud 9! However, there are pitfalls of having a first love which can turn that experience into something of a nightmare. I would like to explore in this blog the idea of having a first love.

I like, many others have had a first love. It was exciting, new, liberating and explosive. I hadn’t really thought much of boys and wanted to keep my distance from them as I always believed they were more trouble than I could handle. However, once that feeling of wanting to be in love hit me it was something I didn’t want to let go. Unfortunately, I didn’t go about it in the right way. Even though he lived in a different country (which I am so grateful for) I kept the romance a secret for fear of what my parents may say and do. As you may have guessed they found out and it was quickly over. However, as a terrible consequence my relationship with my father changed forever. My father didn’t handle the situation very well. It took sometime before he comforted me about it when we were watching a documentary about arranged marriages in Islam. My father took the opportunity to snap at me and I remember wanting the earth to swallow me up. This experience has left a bruise in my heart which has meant I have been unable to watch T.V. with my father for the last 10 years! But I have to say this is more to with indecent programmes now!!

I feel that Allah has helped me realise over the years that my first love was not the most halal way of finding my soul mate. Allah has stipulated for a reason why we cannot have boyfriends or girlfriends! My grandmother told me of a Hadith which states that when a man and a woman are together (who are not married or a Mehram) then Shaitan (make Allah curse him) is the third person. He will try his best to force them to commit haram and he will not stop at nothing to succeeded! Alhamdula, Allah will give us a nudge of fear to get us out of that situation but sometimes we refuse to listen and then asgrafallah one has to suffer the consequence of their actions like falling pregnant.

We have to remember that marriage is half our deen and that Inshallah when you marry you will not have to live with the guilt of past mistakes of having experienced a haram relationship and also enjoy the fruits of being in a halah relationship! To be able to experience new and wonderful feelings is only really special when you are married, as you know that Inshallah they will further develop and, bring benefits like a child but more importantly that marriage can lead to Jina.

There is a clock within us that starts to blare loudly arousing our feelings for the opposite sex. If the feeling becomes too strong to handle and you are afraid of committing haram then that is the time to consider marriage!! Inshallah, by making the right intention and seeking Allah’s help the right person will come along but that doesn’t give you the excuse to sit at home waiting for your ‘knight in shining armour’ or your ‘beautiful princess’ to come swarming into your life. No, brothers and sisters – you need to make a concretive effort to make sure your expectations are REALISTIC and you create opportunities to find that special person. Opportunities like going to Islamic weddings, spreading the word through family and friends, attending Islamic talks and if all else fails going to the mosque and speaking to an Imam. I did that and he introduced me to a few respectable guys but they were not meant to be! One guy in particular made think more about how strong my imam was and whether I should start wearing the hijab. May Allah reward him for instilling these beneficial thoughts, which eventually lead me to search for someone who had a strong imam. I ended going back to my native home and that is where I found my husband. There is no shame in marriage and at the end of the day we all have a makatib (person written for us by Allah). A friend once told me that our souls have met the person we were destined to marry. Well, my soul was quite busy as I ended up marrying twice and Inshallah the second marriage is for life.

I pray to Allah that all my brothers and sisters marry a person who will strength their iman, love them for the sake of Allah and, are rewarded with children and Jina Fardous. Ameen.

A tip for everyone – When you are going to meet someone, please take a brother, sister, Mehram or good friend as you want to start the intention on an Islamic note and not let Shaitan (may Allah curse him) be the third person there. Inshallah that way you can be happy in the thought that you are in the right Islamic direction and possibly meeting you kindred spirit!

Bath, well what can one say about a white stoned city? It’s full of history, students, a thunder box (I shall explain later) and white stone.

I wanted a weekend away with my husband in order for him to experience more of what England has to offer and also a break from my family. After much searching of the various cities in the UK, my heart was set on revisiting Bath. I had been there when I was 13 years old after winning a quilt making competition at my school and I remember being given £10 by mum and feeling so excited and rich that I spent it all. I had no money left to rehydrate myself from eating too many scones! So much for making it last. It took me sometime to find a guest house as the hotels were either too expensive or booked but even the guesthouse cost me £180 for two nights. Oh never mind, at least it was cosy and it had wonderful hospitality.

We packed our things a day in advance and we set off on the National Express for £38 return. (Funfare price - see I can save money!) The coach driver almost didn’t let us on as we arrived 7 minutes late for boarding. However, we begged the driver to let us on and thankfully he obliged us by opening the door and telling us off. We arrived 3 hours and 30 minutes later only to have to track up a hill and pass many hedges to our guesthouse. We were told it would take us less than 12 minutes to get there as we were young but it took us 20 minutes instead. It was good exercise.

We wanted to explore the city by foot but got lost at every direction despite peoples best efforts to point us in the right direction. We thought that the best way to see what the city had to offer was to follow the American and Malaysian tourist and purchase tickets for the tour bus. This had to be the highlight of our journey as not only did we rest feet get to rest but the guides had an impressive knowledge of the city. We took the bus around 7 seven times. It cost us £16 for 2 days use of the tour bus.

Bath has a population of around 80,000 people of which 20,000 are University students. The architecture is very impressive especially around Queen Square, the Abbey and the Roman Baths. In particular only one house has a thunder box which is basically a Victorian toilet. Unfortunately, the toilet was so unstable that many people apparently fell through it. Talk about being relieved! Also, some of the lavish houses seemed to have been occupied by mistresses of Kings’ and Dukes. King William IV had 22 children with his mistress and none with his wife. Unfortunately, as the children were illegitimate and he was succeeded by his niece Queen Victoria.

As you know, I’m a huge Jane Austen fan and the first place I visited was the Jane Austen Centre. We were greeted by Mr Darcy who was more charming than Jane’s Darcy. By this time I was so excited that I accidentally ran off and left my husband in the gift shop when I went to purchase the tickets. Unfortunately, the Centre was not all that it cracked up to be. They overcharged for the tickets for a talk which lasted about 15 minutes and a basement that had a few costumes from the ITV remake of Persuasions. Bath’s claim to Jane was that she lived for five years after her father retired but more interestingly is that Jane absolutely hated Bath even though she based Persuasion and Northanger Abbey on Bath. They did have a lovely tea room and I ordered the Jane Austen tea and Willoughby chocolate cake. My husband was not at all impressed with the Centre, more so as he didn’t understand anything people were saying and wanted only boring old regular coffee. He said he didn’t trust any food that was named after characters from books.

Overall we had a lovely time in Bath despite the down pour of rain. My husband was very much more fascinated by the Roman Baths and the Abbey. We dared each other to drink a whole glass of warm sulphuric water which I think the Museum distilled to such an extent that it didn’t taste so bad. Just needed a tea bag!

"And those who say: "Our Lord! Bestow on us
from our wives and our offspring
who will be the comfort of our eyes,
and make us leaders for the Muttaqûn

Those will be rewarded with the highest place
(in Paradise) because of their patience.
Therein they shall be met with greetings
and the word of peace and respect".
(Qur'an 25:74-75)

Marriage is a wonderful union Allah has given us - It provides so many benefits and it's half our deen.

During my traumatic time at University, I started searching for answers as to what to do with my life. I decided to quit Uni and my heart started looking for ways to fill a void that Uni did not fill. One solution which was always at the back of my mind was marriage. I believe I wanted to get married at 18 years old. I know that this might sound young but if you are the eldest of many siblings and have taken on a lot since you were small then one begins to mature quite quickly. Also, there was a small part of me that wanted to be emancipated from my family. Not in a bad way but more to do with having more freedom and less responsibilities in the most halal way. That for me was marriage.

At first my parent's didn't want me to get married so I ended up having to partly suffer with my feelings and be patient until Allah opened the door for me. A few years had passed and the search began for MR RIGHT. Unfortunately, my parents did not know many Muslim families who had young men I could marry. This was frustrating as my father seemed to know a lot of people but none he thought worthy of marriage. My father even thought I should marry my dumb cousin which was hypercritical of him as he always said that he wanted me to marry someone of high calibre and education – qualifications my cousin did not possess. Also, our problem laid in the fact that our house was not more open to people even though our deen requires us to be good to our neighbours. So, my only option was to find someone in Morocco.

Again my family could not find Mr Right for me even though I was not too fussy. They thought that the best option was for me to marry my second-cousin.

I flew out to Morocco to meet him. We met; he seemed like a good person and appeared to be marriage material. So, we did our Nikah (marriage contract). The family seemed happy but that wasn't going to last for long. Unfortunately, I got married too quickly without getting to know him properly. This was due to a mixture of my desperation, my family’s failure to find me someone and, for telling me that they knew him enough and thought he was the right one for me. After our engagement party, I flew back home extremely happy and on cloud 9. I honestly believed that this was a marriage I had been waiting for and I could final be at ease. However, as time passed I started making arrangements for our summer wedding. I was constantly calling him to keep communication going and to make our bond stronger. He of course never called and I began to have doubts. These second thoughts started to get bigger because of the small things he did or did not do and I began to question his intentions for our marriage. Then came the explosive event. My aunt went to visit him and his mother to help out with the wedding arrangements. She spent a week with them and then came the fateful call from my aunt. She confirmed my doubts by informing us that his intentions for our marriage were not honourable and that she had caught his ex-girl friend in his room.

Eventually after this incident and many others I asked from my Talaq (divorce). He refused to give it to me and there waged an almost 2 year battle to get it. I had the incompetent Morocco lawyer and no family members to really help me get my divorce. Of course, what made things a lot difficult was the fact I was in London and my divorce proceedings was in Morocco. During those 2 years, I changed significantly. I lost a lot of my confidence, saw another side to my family and, felt real desperation and despair. Things got really low for me both mentally and physically. I was searching for answers as to why this happened to me and how best to deal with it. I felt ashamed. I was almost willing to do anything. Someone told me to say Talaq three times and then I would be divorced. That helped me a bit but it’s more complicated than that. Surat Talaq was a great healer in many respects as Allah promises that there will be a resolution to a divorce. It allowed me to cry and made me feel that Allah was and is as closer to me as my jugular vein.

Alhamdula, I got my divorce but not before he slyly asked me to change my mind. I said to him in English (as opposed to Arabic) “no way Jose”. I was expecting a huge wave of happiness to hit me but it didn’t as divorce is one of those terrible things which you wish had never happened. You feel as if you have lost a bit of yourself due to that person. However, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

It is ironic though that a terrible thing like divorce brought me other benefits. If one sabrs (patient) then Allah will reward them with something better. “With difficult there comes ease”. This is a beautiful saying from the Quran. This ease is unexplainable hence it’s a special feeling only Allah can give you. I started to become closer to Allah and my deen. I eventually become closer to Muslim sisters, wore the hijab and found my wonderful new husband.

If anyone is going through a divorce or has just completed one then please don’t despair. One of the best advices I got which was only a few months ago was from a Muslim brother. He said that all marriages are written by Allah and some only last for a fix term in order for you to receive an important benefit from them. For me it was being closer to Allah and thus realising that I wanted to marry someone who would help my imam grow. It was not until I found peace within myself and stopped thinking about all the bad that had accumulated from my divorce that Allah sent this message to me through this Muslim brother. Inshallah soon you will find peace too.

It’s difficult juggling your problems and dealing with family’s own dilemmas. How does one cope? Being married and still living with your family is obviously not easy especially when tension arises between your spouse and family. It can be those little things, which add up, and make things a lot worse. Alhamdula things are not there yet but its scary as feelings get bruised and some people won’t forget those moments of anger and insanity.

How does one build their own life away from their family without causing them pain? There is no easy answer but there are tactics, which could be used, and I have to deploy. When one is very close to their family especially a parent its sometimes difficult for them to let go. It stems from probably being the eldest and the one that can always be relied on. That’ s a big burden. However, it can drive you insane. My best friend gave me a useful priority line on how to manages one’s responsibilities which I would like to share:

YOU.....spouse/kids...........................family/friends

I added a few extra stops between ‘you’ and ‘spouse’ as if you don’t have your health and happiness than how can you deal with the rest.

For some reasons certain people will forgive but won’t forget. I appreciate that in certain circumstances it’s hard as the hurt can go deep and have been inflicted repeatedly. However, the Prophet (PBUH) dealt with the worst form of humiliation and still wanted peace and the best outcome for those people. Lets all learn from this and give ourselves a break from this hurt. Ask yourself this question: Does that person still care for you? Inshallah, the answer is yes and one can take hope that they will in time regret and feel remorse for their actions.