Divorce

06:03 Posted In , , , , , , Edit This 9 Comments »
"And those who say: "Our Lord! Bestow on us
from our wives and our offspring
who will be the comfort of our eyes,
and make us leaders for the Muttaq├╗n

Those will be rewarded with the highest place
(in Paradise) because of their patience.
Therein they shall be met with greetings
and the word of peace and respect".
(Qur'an 25:74-75)

Marriage is a wonderful union Allah has given us - It provides so many benefits and it's half our deen.

During my traumatic time at University, I started searching for answers as to what to do with my life. I decided to quit Uni and my heart started looking for ways to fill a void that Uni did not fill. One solution which was always at the back of my mind was marriage. I believe I wanted to get married at 18 years old. I know that this might sound young but if you are the eldest of many siblings and have taken on a lot since you were small then one begins to mature quite quickly. Also, there was a small part of me that wanted to be emancipated from my family. Not in a bad way but more to do with having more freedom and less responsibilities in the most halal way. That for me was marriage.

At first my parent's didn't want me to get married so I ended up having to partly suffer with my feelings and be patient until Allah opened the door for me. A few years had passed and the search began for MR RIGHT. Unfortunately, my parents did not know many Muslim families who had young men I could marry. This was frustrating as my father seemed to know a lot of people but none he thought worthy of marriage. My father even thought I should marry my dumb cousin which was hypercritical of him as he always said that he wanted me to marry someone of high calibre and education – qualifications my cousin did not possess. Also, our problem laid in the fact that our house was not more open to people even though our deen requires us to be good to our neighbours. So, my only option was to find someone in Morocco.

Again my family could not find Mr Right for me even though I was not too fussy. They thought that the best option was for me to marry my second-cousin.

I flew out to Morocco to meet him. We met; he seemed like a good person and appeared to be marriage material. So, we did our Nikah (marriage contract). The family seemed happy but that wasn't going to last for long. Unfortunately, I got married too quickly without getting to know him properly. This was due to a mixture of my desperation, my family’s failure to find me someone and, for telling me that they knew him enough and thought he was the right one for me. After our engagement party, I flew back home extremely happy and on cloud 9. I honestly believed that this was a marriage I had been waiting for and I could final be at ease. However, as time passed I started making arrangements for our summer wedding. I was constantly calling him to keep communication going and to make our bond stronger. He of course never called and I began to have doubts. These second thoughts started to get bigger because of the small things he did or did not do and I began to question his intentions for our marriage. Then came the explosive event. My aunt went to visit him and his mother to help out with the wedding arrangements. She spent a week with them and then came the fateful call from my aunt. She confirmed my doubts by informing us that his intentions for our marriage were not honourable and that she had caught his ex-girl friend in his room.

Eventually after this incident and many others I asked from my Talaq (divorce). He refused to give it to me and there waged an almost 2 year battle to get it. I had the incompetent Morocco lawyer and no family members to really help me get my divorce. Of course, what made things a lot difficult was the fact I was in London and my divorce proceedings was in Morocco. During those 2 years, I changed significantly. I lost a lot of my confidence, saw another side to my family and, felt real desperation and despair. Things got really low for me both mentally and physically. I was searching for answers as to why this happened to me and how best to deal with it. I felt ashamed. I was almost willing to do anything. Someone told me to say Talaq three times and then I would be divorced. That helped me a bit but it’s more complicated than that. Surat Talaq was a great healer in many respects as Allah promises that there will be a resolution to a divorce. It allowed me to cry and made me feel that Allah was and is as closer to me as my jugular vein.

Alhamdula, I got my divorce but not before he slyly asked me to change my mind. I said to him in English (as opposed to Arabic) “no way Jose”. I was expecting a huge wave of happiness to hit me but it didn’t as divorce is one of those terrible things which you wish had never happened. You feel as if you have lost a bit of yourself due to that person. However, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

It is ironic though that a terrible thing like divorce brought me other benefits. If one sabrs (patient) then Allah will reward them with something better. “With difficult there comes ease”. This is a beautiful saying from the Quran. This ease is unexplainable hence it’s a special feeling only Allah can give you. I started to become closer to Allah and my deen. I eventually become closer to Muslim sisters, wore the hijab and found my wonderful new husband.

If anyone is going through a divorce or has just completed one then please don’t despair. One of the best advices I got which was only a few months ago was from a Muslim brother. He said that all marriages are written by Allah and some only last for a fix term in order for you to receive an important benefit from them. For me it was being closer to Allah and thus realising that I wanted to marry someone who would help my imam grow. It was not until I found peace within myself and stopped thinking about all the bad that had accumulated from my divorce that Allah sent this message to me through this Muslim brother. Inshallah soon you will find peace too.

9 comments:

Umm Salihah said...

Asslam-alaikam oh gorgeous but dotty one,

What an excellent article. I have left the link at:

http://firstwifediary.blogspot.com/2008/02/leaving-terminal.html

(check the comments), as this sister is also going through a painful divorce and I thought your words might help her

Umm Salihah said...

oh yeah,
love the wicked pic of you by the way - did hubby draw that? ;)

Safiyyah said...

As Salaamu Alaikum:

Now I understand why you are named "Big Sis". You definitely will help other Muslimahs with this post. It is beautiful and a testament to trusting Allah (swt).

Safiyyah said...

PS - Jazaka Allahu Khayr Umm Salihah for the link to this blog!

Big Sis said...

Jazakallah sisters for the wonderful and beautiful comments.

Inshallah I can continue helping other muslim brothers and sisters

iMuslimah said...

As'salamu alaykum sis!

Ive been down divorce alley too, although it was about 6-7 years ago (I lost track). That is a good thing. I will never forget the emotions and roller coaster ride, but in the grand scheme of things, I couldnt be more thankful for it. Alhamdulillah I am happy, in a healthy, loving and respectable marriage.

I guess good things really do come to those who wait ;)

iMuslimah

PS youve been tagged!

Hijabi Apprentice said...

Asalaamu Alaikum Big Sis,

In stalking your blog for an update I ran across this post. Thank you so much for sharing this story. Masha Allah you are/were able to stay positive throughout that ordeal!

ma'a salaamah,

ha

Big Sis said...

It was hard sister and sometimes I didn't feel strong and acted sometimes silly but inshallah this blog inspires sister to have faith in Allah!

Helen powel said...

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