First Love

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During a person’s life time they maybe lucky to experience the joys of having and marrying their first love. It’s a wonderful and exciting feel which can take you to places like cloud 9! However, there are pitfalls of having a first love which can turn that experience into something of a nightmare. I would like to explore in this blog the idea of having a first love.

I like, many others have had a first love. It was exciting, new, liberating and explosive. I hadn’t really thought much of boys and wanted to keep my distance from them as I always believed they were more trouble than I could handle. However, once that feeling of wanting to be in love hit me it was something I didn’t want to let go. Unfortunately, I didn’t go about it in the right way. Even though he lived in a different country (which I am so grateful for) I kept the romance a secret for fear of what my parents may say and do. As you may have guessed they found out and it was quickly over. However, as a terrible consequence my relationship with my father changed forever. My father didn’t handle the situation very well. It took sometime before he comforted me about it when we were watching a documentary about arranged marriages in Islam. My father took the opportunity to snap at me and I remember wanting the earth to swallow me up. This experience has left a bruise in my heart which has meant I have been unable to watch T.V. with my father for the last 10 years! But I have to say this is more to with indecent programmes now!!

I feel that Allah has helped me realise over the years that my first love was not the most halal way of finding my soul mate. Allah has stipulated for a reason why we cannot have boyfriends or girlfriends! My grandmother told me of a Hadith which states that when a man and a woman are together (who are not married or a Mehram) then Shaitan (make Allah curse him) is the third person. He will try his best to force them to commit haram and he will not stop at nothing to succeeded! Alhamdula, Allah will give us a nudge of fear to get us out of that situation but sometimes we refuse to listen and then asgrafallah one has to suffer the consequence of their actions like falling pregnant.

We have to remember that marriage is half our deen and that Inshallah when you marry you will not have to live with the guilt of past mistakes of having experienced a haram relationship and also enjoy the fruits of being in a halah relationship! To be able to experience new and wonderful feelings is only really special when you are married, as you know that Inshallah they will further develop and, bring benefits like a child but more importantly that marriage can lead to Jina.

There is a clock within us that starts to blare loudly arousing our feelings for the opposite sex. If the feeling becomes too strong to handle and you are afraid of committing haram then that is the time to consider marriage!! Inshallah, by making the right intention and seeking Allah’s help the right person will come along but that doesn’t give you the excuse to sit at home waiting for your ‘knight in shining armour’ or your ‘beautiful princess’ to come swarming into your life. No, brothers and sisters – you need to make a concretive effort to make sure your expectations are REALISTIC and you create opportunities to find that special person. Opportunities like going to Islamic weddings, spreading the word through family and friends, attending Islamic talks and if all else fails going to the mosque and speaking to an Imam. I did that and he introduced me to a few respectable guys but they were not meant to be! One guy in particular made think more about how strong my imam was and whether I should start wearing the hijab. May Allah reward him for instilling these beneficial thoughts, which eventually lead me to search for someone who had a strong imam. I ended going back to my native home and that is where I found my husband. There is no shame in marriage and at the end of the day we all have a makatib (person written for us by Allah). A friend once told me that our souls have met the person we were destined to marry. Well, my soul was quite busy as I ended up marrying twice and Inshallah the second marriage is for life.

I pray to Allah that all my brothers and sisters marry a person who will strength their iman, love them for the sake of Allah and, are rewarded with children and Jina Fardous. Ameen.

A tip for everyone – When you are going to meet someone, please take a brother, sister, Mehram or good friend as you want to start the intention on an Islamic note and not let Shaitan (may Allah curse him) be the third person there. Inshallah that way you can be happy in the thought that you are in the right Islamic direction and possibly meeting you kindred spirit!

My supplication to Allah

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Oh Allah help me in my time of need! I cant handle being managed by her.
Im trying to be a good muslimah and not back bite but I feel very hurt.
Oh Allah when I seem to be making progress with her something bad seems to happen.
I’m not sure what to do Allah?
I know she is writing something about me – possibly something bad.
How can I please her when she hurts me so badly?
Oh Allah help me!
Guide me Allah…Ya Allah make me feel better soon!
Help me Allah through my time of need and give me justice due to the pain I have suffered. Make me a better person from all of this and let me never experience it again.
Make her into a better, caring and loving person.
A muslimah to be proud of.
Also make us Muslims an Ummah to be proud of.
Ya Allah accept my prayer and grant me swift relief.

Baby, Where art thou?

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I’ve been thinking for a bit about what my next blog should be. I wanted it to be something meaningful and Inshallah to help others.

I’ve wanted kids since I was 16 years old. There are a few reasons for that. I love children especially babies. I love the idea of helping and watching a person who is half of you grow and Inshallah become a good Muslim who will help others. Also, being the eldest of 5 kids meant that I have matured a lot more quickly. So, the search was on to find my soulmate, other half! Alhamdula it took a few years and a second marriage before I could work on my dream.

I suffer from terrible period pains which I have tried almost everything under the sun to control except the pill. I remember once at school, I got my period in the middle of a lesson and the pain was so unbearable I had to ran to my Head teacher’s office but he was nowhere to be found. So, I collapsed on a desk outside his office and cried hoping someone would help me. I eventually got the permission to go and only Allah knows how I arrived home and my dad had to rush me to hospital as my stomach couldn’t hold down my medication. Oh the drama of my period pains!! Apparently Queen Victoria of Great Britain used to take cannabis to help control her period pains but I of course would not recommend it or use it! LOL You probably guessed it another reason for wanting kids is to put an end to these pains. Due to my bad period pains, I discovered that I had polycystic ovary syndrome which, affects 1 in 5 women. Most women get pregnant naturally but the rest need further help. Alhamdula. My grandmother; a wise and wonderful woman has told me for many years that as soon as I have a baby things will improve, pain wise, Inshallah. I believe her especially as she went through something similar and has delivered many babies herself so there is wisdom in her advice.

I had to do something about my periods so my gynaecologist started work in trying to discover why I had such bad period pains and whether this was going to affect my fertility. I had a few scans, blood tests, laparoscopy, and small burning of my ovaries to help simulate the production of follicles which contain the eggs. Alhamdula, the tests showed that there were no problems like endometriosis or blocked fallopian tubes. However, there was no explanation for the bad period pains. I was told that unfortunately there was nothing that could be done except taking the pill. So, I continue to battle with my period pains but with the help of powerful pain killers.

I tried naturally for a baby for a about a year but to no avail. So, my gynaecologist prescribed clomid tablets. Clomid tablets help to give the ovaries a boost by making them produce follicles and increase the hormones involved in ovulation. About 70% of women get pregnant on clomid. I had to take the tablets from day 2 to 6 of my period and by around day 12 or 14 I had to go into hospital for scans to track the number of follicles that I had produced that month. Unfortunately, the clomid hasn’t helped me ovulate and so I was prescribed ovutrelle. At first, I was on 50mg of clomid and produced 7-9 follicles. My husband was supposed to have cold showers to prevent multiple pregnancies but we didn’t take that advice as Allah would be the one to give me as many babies as I could handle. Plus there was no guarantee that I would become pregnant. I was adviced to take 25mg of clomid and have been producing 2-3 follicles. I’ve had 7 rounds of clomid and I’m on my last. I’m trying not to be sceptical to allow the last one to work. This slight scepticism has been borne out from the fact that my sister discovered a few days ago that the Mefenamic Acid tablets which I have been taking for a few years for my periods come with a warning and that it should not be taken if you are trying to get pregnant. Those damn doctors never told me that. I remember clearly being told that this would not affect my fertility in the long run but with closer examination of these words and my position at the time I’ve realised that this advice was only meant to help my pains while I was not trying for a baby. Alhamdula. However, this realisation doesn’t explain why the gynaecologist didn’t advice me to stop taken them. (Trust me I will be taking this up with them!) Ironically, I haven’t been that upset by this revelation as it could be a reason as to why I haven’t become pregnant. However, my last round of clomid may not work due to the Mefenamic Acid tablets I took this month. Well, Allah knows best and I believe in my heart that if Allah wants me to get pregnant then it will BE regardless of those Mefenamic Acid tablets in my system.

So far the process has not been too complicated. The only problem has been my impatient to get pregnant. A lot of people have advised me to stop thinking about it and I believe they are right. However, how do you do that? I’m constantly reminded of it by my family, friends, planning the pregnancy, taking the clomid, going to hospital and seeing a flood of pregnant women and generally reminding myself. It’s hard and I sincerely respect women who have struggled to get pregnant and have either been successful after many years or have been unsuccessful and found peace by it. A friend who is also a diabetic has similar problems with her period and had the mind set that she would try for a baby even if it took years. She ‘stopped’ thinking about the whole process and it quickly happened for her. Today, I went to see another friend and her new baby. It was wonderful seeing that tiny soul peacefully sleeping and her mother looking proudly and protectively at her. The desperation for a child started to overtake me and subhanallah I looked again at that child and Allah gave me peace.

Something that has comforted me is the Quran. Allah reminds me through Surah’s when the feeling of wanting a baby overwhelms me. He reminds me that He is the one that gives children and that the benefits and rewards of the afterlife are a whole lot better. Alhamdulillah. I also found peace by reading an article in the last issue of Sister Magazine – “Barren but Blessed”. The sister was unsuccessful in conceiving but Allah had a better plan for her and that was to adopt twin babies. She not only found peace by not conceiving but is happy that it never happened. What a woman! How great is Allah in all his plans.

Inshallah, this last round of clomid is successful. If not the next steps are more intrusive like IVF. Inshallah it doesn’t come to that. However, I’m grateful that Allah has instilled the medical knowledge into man of these treatments to give us a greater chance of conceiving. I pray that I can find the strength for me and anyone going through something similar to keep going, have sabr and importantly find peace in whatever path Allah has chosen for us. Please make dua for me and many thanks to the sisters that have supported me.