Being tested

11:21 Posted In , , , , Edit This 3 Comments »
I’ve been reflecting on issues facing me at work such as development, the people I work with and of course my manager!! I keep hoping that I will end up with a job that will better me, people who are absolutely fantastic, working with role model Muslimah’s and feeling constantly chilled but working hard. How wonderful would that be?

At the moment, I have a Muslim manager who is failing to practice the morals and kindness our deen teaches us. In particular, I wanted to mentor a sister to help her overcome challenges at work and develop her. Unfortunately, my manager rejected the idea on the basis that I may go against what they advice. For me, mentoring is not focusing on what a manager tells a person what to do or contradicting them but how best to fulfil their obligations of what they are supposed to do i.e. build and strength their existing skills.

My manager tests me in more ways than I can handle both mentally and emotionally. Our relationship has improved as of late but 1 step forward ends up being 10 steps back when they do things like refusing to allow me to mentor a sister. I’ve even tried to agree with them on a lot things but this has just ended up frustrating me and made me lose even more hope that I can ever bring some positive light in helping her change for the better.

I realised but only recently that they are a challenge from Allah SWT. For a few months, I have to say I was failing! My manager is not the easiest person to get along with especially as they lack communication skills, tact and emotion. There is a unanimous vote on this! I know they are not perfect but part of me believed whether naively or not that as a Muslim they would show more compassionate and support. How wrong was I?! Please see previous posts on my manager.

I’m at the point now, where I feel (but with some unease) that some Muslim people wish not to practice their deen or seek hasan by helping their fellow Muslim brothers and sisters especially at work. I got into a vicious circle of back biting about them and feeling almost hate towards them (astagfrAllah). Alhamula, this changed once I realised that Allah SWT was testing me. I was watching Islam Channel and a Sheika said that if we recognise that a test is from Allah SWT then we have half passed it and then we should thank Allah SWT for not testing our deen and not providing a bigger test i.e. losing your job!

I’ve tried to make peace with my manager but I still wouldn’t consider them a friend even though they confided in me that they have found a possible person to marry. My husband believes that they have a poor attitude and take it out on others because they need a spouse to fulfil their needs! May Allah SWT bless this possible union and make their spouse a person that will soften their heart. Ameen. I kind of feel awkward discussing such personal matters and going into deep conversation with them especially about the deen as I don’t feel comfortable around them. Once, they started shouting at me when we were discussing prayer times!! I realised that it would be better to keep silent especially on the deen as I don’t believe in shouting about it particularly as the Prophet Mohammed (PBUH) discouraged such behaviour.

There have been a few issues I’ve had to manage but not always successfully. Its been a struggle trying to be the better person. It’s hard because they have made me cry and suffer unnecessarily. At one point, I wanted them to disappear but quickly realised that Allah SWT is with me and what goes around comes around. Also, my sister kindly reminded me that if you say a bad thing to a Muslim person then they will get your hasan. I want to keep mine! LOL. I suppose it’s a struggle we might all face especially when it comes to being a better person. I often remember my manager in prayers and wish not to make dua for them and this has been hard. I think (and maybe someone can advice) that if I made dua for that person who has caused me hardship then I may get a reward for it? My heart believes this is true but let me know what you think.

May Allah help me pass this test and grant me a better manager. Ameen. Please make dua for me.

Constructive Criticism

02:50 Posted In , , , , , , Edit This 0 Comments »
I have to admit I don’t handle constructive criticism very well. It’s one of those things that back dates to primary school.

Usually people react to criticism by avoiding it, taking it to heart or reacting aggressively to it. Criticism can be helpful if it is specific, acknowledges positives, is calm, to the point, doesn't stereotype or label people and is focused on a person's behaviour rather than an attack on the person.
I tried to google for some tips on how to best handle such situations and this is what I call the good girl answer:
Here are some tips to use criticism assertively:
• Face and listen to criticism rather than avoid it.
• Don't take it to heart.
• React calmly and respect others rights, there is no point attacking the person.
• Be prepared for constructive criticism.
• See constructive criticism as useful to everyone concerned. Being open to constructive criticism can be tough at first. Remember, you too can make constructive criticism. This does not include blaming, put-downs or attempting to hurt someone to get what you want.

I read this a few times but it didn’t inspire confidence within me. I wanted a more cracking solution than the textbook answer.

When someone offers compliments first, and then goes on to point out the errors, likely as not, they are offering constructive criticism with good intentions.
I believe that how to determine if the criticism is right or wrong is never take one person's criticism seriously, but take two or three of the same opinions more seriously. One person can be wrong, two people may be wrong, but if you hear the same criticism from three different people, you may want to pay attention.
However, even in a situation where four people have the same criticism it doesn't necessarily mean they are right. Remember, the film "Titanic" was criticized harshly by several film critics.

Criticism should be viewed like a jury returning from deliberating in a criminal trial. When a criminal is accused of a crime, we don't put it in the hands of three jurors or even six. We put it in the hands of twelve.

However, there is a right and wrong way to criticise. Constructive criticism is given by someone who is honestly pointing out what they believe to be errors in an attempt to help you correct them. Destructive criticism is a blatant put-down with every intention of making you look bad. The key is to recognize the difference.

Time Wasting

10:31 Posted In , Edit This 2 Comments »
I’m bored out of my wits end and don’t have the confidence to take on extra work in case my manager abuses my honesty. I also get quite bored between 6 and 8pm. I really don’t want to start watching the Wonder Years with my sister (which starts at 7pm) because Kevin over analyse situations and I find the whole show rather depressing!! However, my sister sees the funny side of his dilemmas including being in love with his teacher, while my grandmother who doesn’t understand English thinks its all terrifying bad education especially when she sees Kevin looking at his teacher in a loving way. She then asks whether British education system encourages such behaviour and if we have fallen in love with our teachers? So, I’m thinking, Big Sis why don’t you do something worthwhile?

I’ve got a collection of books, which need to be read, however, I’m currently reading the Sealed Nector. I’m enjoying this book, which has made me cry, but I still can’t get into books. I feel that it takes me quite a lot to concentrate on a book because I analyse states and situations. It’s a habit, which leaves me reading a book for months! I’m not exaggerating, I started re-reading the Quran last Ramadan and I’m now on Surat 30. I don’t think I will finish the Quran to restart it for Ramadan. The irony of this is that I love being surrounded by books and their stories.

I think for me visualising something is more interesting and appealing than reading it. That’s probably why I love the cinema so much. However, I want my life to be more interesting than TV and cinema! I’m trying to take a new approach to life, career and ambitions and that is to question whether I’m doing something for others or myself. I want to be happy and content with my decision making process but I think this is a journey which will take more practice. So as I make those life decisions inshaAllah, I make them for the best.

Learning to listen to the body

12:22 Posted In , , , , , , Edit This 0 Comments »
I applied for a job as a Communication Manager to help me get away from my manager but more importantly to get me into a more challenging role. I didn’t want to get myself in a position where I wanted to fuss over my application but worked on a balancing my need not to stress vs making it a winning application.

I was content that I had produced a winning application. It seemed to tick all the right boxes and produce all the right answers. I waited weeks to hear the results of my application and on Friday 1st August I found out that I was unsuccessful. The reason being, I didn’t produce enough information on being a mentor and how I have helped myself improve within an organisation. What a joke! Alhamdula, the job was not meant for me as Allah has better plans for me.

A year ago, my attitude to this would have been I’m a failure or I should have got the job. It didn’t enter my psyche that Allah knows what is best for me. Something that we see is good maybe bad for us and something we see as bad maybe good for us. It’s a matter of putting things in Allah’s hands. I also believe that the feedback I received was not constructive in the sense that if there were valid problems with my application and areas I could have improved then they should have said so. However, it was like finding a needle in a haystack with all that unnecessary feedback. All I was reminded of was how articulate my application was but that didn’t really answer my question of how could I improve?

I suppose in light of all of this I’m happy that I received some positive feedback as I still have the determination to continue to find opportunities to climb the civil service ladder. I’ve decided not to complete my Law degree, as I would be doing it for all the wrong reasons. Alhamdulliah, I believe that this decision is right for me and I m slowly become content with it. Plus an added bonus to this decision is that my stomach pains have become less frequent since I made this decision!!

Appearances can be deceiving

10:23 Posted In , , , , Edit This 2 Comments »
I have been having infrequent discuss with a lady at work about goals in life. She is an intelligent, thoughtful, well-dressed pretty woman. She seems to ooze confidence and energy for life. I had this picture in my head of various achievements in her life like a degree, husband and well travelled. However, after a long discussion, she made me realise that appearances can be deceiving.

She had studied three years for a degree but had failed or dropped out due to difficult circumstances in her life. She explained that her father had died when she was young and her mother worked and brought up her, her brother and sister. She then went on to tell me she was 36 years old (I honestly believed she was 28) and had come to peace with not completing her degree. She expressed she was happy and content with her achievements but she could not hide the fact that there was something missing in her life. Maybe a husband? I dared not to ask!! She was brought as a Christian but was not practicing. She carried herself with respect, honesty, dignity and humility; qualities I believe are Islamic. However, what made her even more interesting was the fact that she had helped her mum to raise her brother and sister. She stills lives at home and it appeared to me that her mum is a strong source of comfort and love for her. Her mum gave her the freedom to go away to university but unfortunately that did not work out for her. I loved the fact that she was content with not going back to uni. She is proud of who she is and what she has achieved. I want this - InshaAllah! However, subhanAllah, she came into my life at time when I am struggling to make sense of my academic achievements. My current battle with whether I want to go to uni has been with me for seven years! The time has come for me to make a decision and I don’t want to defer for another year. For me, I believe it’s either now or never. I don’t want this decision to be the vane of my existence (I know, it is putting it strongly but unfortunately my emotions are running high on this subject). May Allah help me make the right decision.

I look back and I think back to all the things I have achieved compared to what I haven’t. I think the proudest moment of my academic life was representing my husband in Immigration Tribunal Court and finding out that I had won his case. Hooray! I want to hold on to these achievements regardless of whether I go back to uni or not.

I think the moral to this story is firstly, don’t judge a book by its cover, be happy and content with your life as Allah knows what’s best and even if you are 36, not married, no kids and no degree – just enjoy what you have in life and keep making achievable goals. I will try to put this into practice especially in analysing whether getting a degree is an achievable goal.

How to get dividends from life

11:06 Posted In , , , , , Edit This 5 Comments »
I’ve been pondering for a few weeks about my decision making process. I noticed a pattern in that when the going gets tough, I get going! My sabr seems to be the size of a goldfish when it comes to difficult situations, which has landed me in hot water.

I took a step back and sat with a friend to help me analyse the reasons for my mad decision-making. This is what we came up with:

1. I do far too much for my family
2. I’ve allowed my family to rely on me to do the silliest things like organise and buy plane tickets, make appointments with doctors!!
3. I’ve not allowed other things in my life to empower me like my education and career.
4. I have not learned to say ‘no’ enough.
5. I use the problems I face with my family as an excuse to quit my education and job.
6. I need to realise that the pressure at home is far too much and that anyone in situation would have cracked by now!
7. I need to focus on me me me
8. I need to disassociate myself from many of my family’s problems.
9. I need to find the right opportunity to move out and not use the excuse of my family being too much as this is counter productive as the real problem is how I’ve allowed them to affect my life. This will also leave a bad feeling in my heart and won’t really solve the underlying problem.
Way forward – A few suggestions:

1. Understand my mistakes.
2. Learn to grow.
3. Feel positive about who and what I am.
4. Say positive things about myself as putting myself down will just make me less confident.
5. Stop listen to that annoying gremlin on my left shoulder who keeps breaking my confidence and self-esteem.
6. Strength my Imam.
7. Turn to Allah.
8. Be a better wife.
9. Travel to other countries.
10. Stop hating my manager.
11. Stop always giving people advice and let them learn for themselves.
12. Go on a mediation course.
13. Get my own place.

This list will keep growing and InshaAllah I can fulfil them ALL.

Try and make a list of your own.

My supplication to Allah

12:13 Posted In , , , , Edit This 6 Comments »
Oh Allah help me in my time of need! I cant handle being managed by her.
Im trying to be a good muslimah and not back bite but I feel very hurt.
Oh Allah when I seem to be making progress with her something bad seems to happen.
I’m not sure what to do Allah?
I know she is writing something about me – possibly something bad.
How can I please her when she hurts me so badly?
Oh Allah help me!
Guide me Allah…Ya Allah make me feel better soon!
Help me Allah through my time of need and give me justice due to the pain I have suffered. Make me a better person from all of this and let me never experience it again.
Make her into a better, caring and loving person.
A muslimah to be proud of.
Also make us Muslims an Ummah to be proud of.
Ya Allah accept my prayer and grant me swift relief.
Ameen.

Islam vs Senior Management

13:14 Posted In , , , Edit This 9 Comments »
I don’t usually like to start off as a sour puss but I’ve been feeling low for a few days and am desperate to get this sadness out of my system. Crying has not really helped but praying has helped give me a sense of temporary peace and yearning to try and fix my problems.

I was told at work by a senior member of staff that my manager had been acting unprofessionally by bad mouthing me to another senior member of staff. They want on to tell me that the senior managers accept unreliable and false criticise or accusations from my managers like mine. I felt very low after especially as she complaining about me not being in when she had granted me the morning off from work! This temporary amnesia is apparently not uncommon as I believe she uses it as an excuse to bad mouth people to senior management to gain brownie points to climb up this pathetic civil service ladder of promotion. It hurt more so as my manager is Muslim and as a sister I expected more support and sisterhood since we had similar beliefs to tie us closer to each other. Unfortunately, I was wrong. However, what has been more alarming from this revelation is that two non-Muslims had noticed how badly she has been treating me and others and told me that as a she is a Muslim they expected more compassion and support from her.

I felt ashamed of her as a Muslim sister because not only has she created a bad impression of herself but she has done it in overtly outrageous manner in that everyone knows she likes to ‘suck up’ to senior management at the expense of others including her Muslim brothers and sisters. She even refused a brother leave to go to Friday prayers. To try and give myself some sense of peace I thought about how Allah is watching her and can feel my pain and how she could face Allah if she died tomorrow. One good way of being close to Allah and helping you better your imam is to think about death and I believe that my manager’s problem is maybe she is thinking too much about this life and not the hereafter hence her terrible actions.

I am trying my best not think bad thoughts of her and have made dua for her so that Allah brings her happiness and peace and that I can move to another position soon. But she has tested my patience. She has even made me cry! Alhamduillah. I believe that this is a test from Allah similar to that faced by Prophet (pbuh) when he was badly treated by the kufar but still showed kindness, sabr and civility to them. However, more importantly he did not want anything bad to happen to them but left it to Allah as Allah knows best. A sister pointed out that we shouldn’t wish badly on anyone as one day they may beg for forgiveness and become better Muslims. Inshallah, that happens to my manager but I also believe that Allah does not want a Muslim to be badly treated or made to cry. Part of me wants her to feel the pain she has put me through especially as I’m not the first nor will I be the last she makes to suffer. I’m trying to search for answers on this issue but have been confused and I pray to Allah I can be guided to an answer soon and be given some sense of peace.

I am going to try and ask my manager for a move as a vacancy has come up somewhere else. Please make dua that Allah grants me this move with ease and to somewhere better. May Allah grant you all ease in your time of need. Ameen.

The hassle of a sycophantic manager

11:56 Posted In , , , , Edit This 1 Comment »
I’ve been back at work for over a month after a break of a year and half. It’s been good settling in and making new friends but the difficulty as usual comes from my manager. Newly promoted, she has a big learning curve which she is overcoming by sucking up to the senior managers. It’s so bad that one would think she kisses their feet. Many say she has hence her promotion.

This idea of being a sycophantic to get up the ladder is pathetic on so many levels. Not only do you lose your integrity but you lose your self-respect. The thing is no matter how well she tries to hide the things she does like sucking up to the senior managers, everyone knows. It’s hard on some level saying this about her especially as she is meant to be a Muslim sister but she puts the hijab to disgrace. Astaghfirullah. As a Muslim she should use that effort towards Allah. What happens if she dies tomorrrow? Shame on you manager. My best friend was working at my office (but alhamdulliah has left) and dealt with this pathetic manager. My manager showed no interesting in being friendly or even saying hello to her despite her efforts to be close to a sister. We both agreed that when we saw her pray we thought lets forgive her and give her a second chance. But as soon as she completed her prayers she was back to her horrid self. I don’t understand how she can pray to Allah and act like this to her fellow sisters. She even refuses to say hello to a sister at work!

I had a taste of her back stabbing today. It was so awful I thought what am I doing here? Need the money! Not only did she discuss my personal matters with HR in an inappropriate place but she made me know that she was doing it. The little whispering and glimpses towards me was hard to take and I thought let her backbit – Allah is watching her. However, when that ended she decided to get a kick at massacring my work in order to “make sense of it” when in actual fact she did the opposite. According to a colleague who had been previously managed by her advised me that she does this in order to fuel her superiority complex. I tried to take it on the chin and not make it personal as I thought this is not my dream job but it appears from what knowledge she has gathered it’s probably hers!

Well, once I got over that bad morning things only got worse. She decided to go behind my back and made no apologies for doing so and spoke to senior management about reasonable adjustments I wanted to put in place. She tried to insult my intelligence by claiming that senior management had made the decision but I finally got her to admit that she had actually decided not to put them into place. I was so angry and upset by then that she tried to comfort me by telling me not to be upset. But why upset me in the first place? Probably the best thing to do is to go to senior management and get them to try and approve things for me. I’m trying not to think bad thoughts about her but she almost ruined my evening and has made life a lot more difficult for me at work. Inshallah, she gets what’s coming to her soon.

My brother’s tip is work should stay at work as soon as you step foot out of the door as you don’t get paid to continue thinking about it. That is sound advice but difficult to put into practice. I think I need to be hypnotised to make it work!

Confidence - Part 1

18:46 Posted In , , , , Edit This 0 Comments »
I have problems being confident especially in making decisions and when I do I can’t live with them. Take for instance today at work. I haven’t been that happy there and this is more so due to my manager. I thought on the bus I need to do something about this and decided a move would be appropriate i.e. a change of desk. The first excuse I could come up with was ‘back problems’ and then my manager tried to adjust my chair and fiddle with my back seat. I wanted to be assertive so I literally took my chair to a desk I wanted to move to. I tired to justify this action by saying I had problems with sunlight (not true) and that my new desk was a bit smaller which didn’t convince my manager as their desk had been chopped by a third. Started to get worried and the anxiety kicked. I thought I've probably made another wrong move so thought that the best thing I could do was find an opportunity to be super nice. I can’t believe I said this: “I miss my desk, I want to come back”. Thankfully, my manager laughed and called me a “joker” and I felt relieved. But this caused me another problem. How do I stay at my new desk permanently? Possibly going on about sunlight? Coming up with a ridiculously disgusting story which means my manager wants me to stay where I am? Ahh the decisions to make and how to stick by them.

Why oh why do I let these things get to me. I need some peace out from my mentality. I need to become that person who lives carefree and dam the consequences. May make life a lot easier. I know that that is not the ideal way to live but its better than worrying about all the bits and bobs of why did she say that? Why is this happening to me? Was that the right thing to say or do? Hey crumber. Worst of all is when people tell you to watch your back from so and so. I know that is only friendly advice but I’m already paranoid and I don’t need something else to fuel it. There is plenty of coal in that fire!

I know some people learn to ignore certain people or problems or take a laid back attitude to it. But being advised not to worry is not easy and not always the best advice as one is already worrying and you can’t switch it off like a switch. I still test possible solutions like buying chocolate, going to cinemas, chatting to friends just something to keep the mind occupied from the worry. However, there is a deeper problem and one that cannot be ignored. One needs to discover and learn ways to fix it. Being happy and keeping faith is definitely the best cure.

A quote from my best friend: “We can trust Allah, if we are scared of Allah, then we are not scared of anyone, if we are not scared of Allah but of people, then everything will scare us”.

Easier said than done as always, but something to aspire to.

Peace out!
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