Sister's Big Plan

"And those who say: "Our Lord! Bestow on us
from our wives and our offspring
who will be the comfort of our eyes,
and make us leaders for the Muttaqûn

Those will be rewarded with the highest place
(in Paradise) because of their patience.
Therein they shall be met with greetings
and the word of peace and respect".
(Qur'an 25:74-75)

Marriage is a wonderful union Allah has given us - It provides so many benefits and it's half our deen.

During my traumatic time at University, I started searching for answers as to what to do with my life. I decided to quit Uni and my heart started looking for ways to fill a void that Uni did not fill. One solution which was always at the back of my mind was marriage. I believe I wanted to get married at 18 years old. I know that this might sound young but if you are the eldest of many siblings and have taken on a lot since you were small then one begins to mature quite quickly. Also, there was a small part of me that wanted to be emancipated from my family. Not in a bad way but more to do with having more freedom and less responsibilities in the most halal way. That for me was marriage.

At first my parent's didn't want me to get married so I ended up having to partly suffer with my feelings and be patient until Allah opened the door for me. A few years had passed and the search began for MR RIGHT. Unfortunately, my parents did not know many Muslim families who had young men I could marry. This was frustrating as my father seemed to know a lot of people but none he thought worthy of marriage. My father even thought I should marry my dumb cousin which was hypercritical of him as he always said that he wanted me to marry someone of high calibre and education – qualifications my cousin did not possess. Also, our problem laid in the fact that our house was not more open to people even though our deen requires us to be good to our neighbours. So, my only option was to find someone in Morocco.

Again my family could not find Mr Right for me even though I was not too fussy. They thought that the best option was for me to marry my second-cousin.

I flew out to Morocco to meet him. We met; he seemed like a good person and appeared to be marriage material. So, we did our Nikah (marriage contract). The family seemed happy but that wasn't going to last for long. Unfortunately, I got married too quickly without getting to know him properly. This was due to a mixture of my desperation, my family’s failure to find me someone and, for telling me that they knew him enough and thought he was the right one for me. After our engagement party, I flew back home extremely happy and on cloud 9. I honestly believed that this was a marriage I had been waiting for and I could final be at ease. However, as time passed I started making arrangements for our summer wedding. I was constantly calling him to keep communication going and to make our bond stronger. He of course never called and I began to have doubts. These second thoughts started to get bigger because of the small things he did or did not do and I began to question his intentions for our marriage. Then came the explosive event. My aunt went to visit him and his mother to help out with the wedding arrangements. She spent a week with them and then came the fateful call from my aunt. She confirmed my doubts by informing us that his intentions for our marriage were not honourable and that she had caught his ex-girl friend in his room.

Eventually after this incident and many others I asked from my Talaq (divorce). He refused to give it to me and there waged an almost 2 year battle to get it. I had the incompetent Morocco lawyer and no family members to really help me get my divorce. Of course, what made things a lot difficult was the fact I was in London and my divorce proceedings was in Morocco. During those 2 years, I changed significantly. I lost a lot of my confidence, saw another side to my family and, felt real desperation and despair. Things got really low for me both mentally and physically. I was searching for answers as to why this happened to me and how best to deal with it. I felt ashamed. I was almost willing to do anything. Someone told me to say Talaq three times and then I would be divorced. That helped me a bit but it’s more complicated than that. Surat Talaq was a great healer in many respects as Allah promises that there will be a resolution to a divorce. It allowed me to cry and made me feel that Allah was and is as closer to me as my jugular vein.

Alhamdula, I got my divorce but not before he slyly asked me to change my mind. I said to him in English (as opposed to Arabic) “no way Jose”. I was expecting a huge wave of happiness to hit me but it didn’t as divorce is one of those terrible things which you wish had never happened. You feel as if you have lost a bit of yourself due to that person. However, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

It is ironic though that a terrible thing like divorce brought me other benefits. If one sabrs (patient) then Allah will reward them with something better. “With difficult there comes ease”. This is a beautiful saying from the Quran. This ease is unexplainable hence it’s a special feeling only Allah can give you. I started to become closer to Allah and my deen. I eventually become closer to Muslim sisters, wore the hijab and found my wonderful new husband.

If anyone is going through a divorce or has just completed one then please don’t despair. One of the best advices I got which was only a few months ago was from a Muslim brother. He said that all marriages are written by Allah and some only last for a fix term in order for you to receive an important benefit from them. For me it was being closer to Allah and thus realising that I wanted to marry someone who would help my imam grow. It was not until I found peace within myself and stopped thinking about all the bad that had accumulated from my divorce that Allah sent this message to me through this Muslim brother. Inshallah soon you will find peace too.

I’ve been back at work for over a month after a break of a year and half. It’s been good settling in and making new friends but the difficulty as usual comes from my manager. Newly promoted, she has a big learning curve which she is overcoming by sucking up to the senior managers. It’s so bad that one would think she kisses their feet. Many say she has hence her promotion.

This idea of being a sycophantic to get up the ladder is pathetic on so many levels. Not only do you lose your integrity but you lose your self-respect. The thing is no matter how well she tries to hide the things she does like sucking up to the senior managers, everyone knows. It’s hard on some level saying this about her especially as she is meant to be a Muslim sister but she puts the hijab to disgrace. Astaghfirullah. As a Muslim she should use that effort towards Allah. What happens if she dies tomorrrow? Shame on you manager. My best friend was working at my office (but alhamdulliah has left) and dealt with this pathetic manager. My manager showed no interesting in being friendly or even saying hello to her despite her efforts to be close to a sister. We both agreed that when we saw her pray we thought lets forgive her and give her a second chance. But as soon as she completed her prayers she was back to her horrid self. I don’t understand how she can pray to Allah and act like this to her fellow sisters. She even refuses to say hello to a sister at work!

I had a taste of her back stabbing today. It was so awful I thought what am I doing here? Need the money! Not only did she discuss my personal matters with HR in an inappropriate place but she made me know that she was doing it. The little whispering and glimpses towards me was hard to take and I thought let her backbit – Allah is watching her. However, when that ended she decided to get a kick at massacring my work in order to “make sense of it” when in actual fact she did the opposite. According to a colleague who had been previously managed by her advised me that she does this in order to fuel her superiority complex. I tried to take it on the chin and not make it personal as I thought this is not my dream job but it appears from what knowledge she has gathered it’s probably hers!

Well, once I got over that bad morning things only got worse. She decided to go behind my back and made no apologies for doing so and spoke to senior management about reasonable adjustments I wanted to put in place. She tried to insult my intelligence by claiming that senior management had made the decision but I finally got her to admit that she had actually decided not to put them into place. I was so angry and upset by then that she tried to comfort me by telling me not to be upset. But why upset me in the first place? Probably the best thing to do is to go to senior management and get them to try and approve things for me. I’m trying not to think bad thoughts about her but she almost ruined my evening and has made life a lot more difficult for me at work. Inshallah, she gets what’s coming to her soon.

My brother’s tip is work should stay at work as soon as you step foot out of the door as you don’t get paid to continue thinking about it. That is sound advice but difficult to put into practice. I think I need to be hypnotised to make it work!

I can't believe this happened to me but here goes....

I took my 2 sisters out for a meal in order to put the brain at rest and have some girly fun. We chatted a lot especially about my sister’s unofficial fiancé and how best to deal with the dilemma some sisters face when their parents don't agree to a marriage. We agreed to disagree on many points but were resolved with the promise that if Allah wants her marriage to happen it will. Trust me Allah knows best.

Anyway, as we left the restaurant I noticed a guy who I had gone to school with who was with his new wife. Almost all the Moroccan girls wanted to marry him including me as he was our Muslim version of Mr Darcy. I was desperate to get a glimpse of his wife for piety reasons and this woman thing of checking out the new wife. I know pathetic but couldn't help myself. I started running towards them and I got to the middle of the road and TRIPPED. Oh my God, the embarrassment as he turned round to see what this big thump was. I sounded like a massive rock hitting the floor! Instead of my silly sisters helping they were in fits laughing at me. Terrible! All my money, keys and dignity were on the floor. So in Bridget Jones action, I thought quickly how do I get out of this situation and pretend he didn't see me. So I got up, quickly gathered everything and started running in the opposite direction as if to suggest I was in a hurry to get somewhere and it was not me that just tripped. My sisters followed with this trail of laughter behind them and I was shouting to shut them up. They destroyed the plan as I could see him starring at us due to all the noise my sisters were making but the most honest reason for his attention being caught was probably that massive thump on the road.

Got home with blood all over my knees and a shameful face!

A warning - If you see someone you fancy just walk the other way.

It’s difficult juggling your problems and dealing with family’s own dilemmas. How does one cope? Being married and still living with your family is obviously not easy especially when tension arises between your spouse and family. It can be those little things, which add up, and make things a lot worse. Alhamdula things are not there yet but its scary as feelings get bruised and some people won’t forget those moments of anger and insanity.

How does one build their own life away from their family without causing them pain? There is no easy answer but there are tactics, which could be used, and I have to deploy. When one is very close to their family especially a parent its sometimes difficult for them to let go. It stems from probably being the eldest and the one that can always be relied on. That’ s a big burden. However, it can drive you insane. My best friend gave me a useful priority line on how to manages one’s responsibilities which I would like to share:

YOU.....spouse/kids...........................family/friends

I added a few extra stops between ‘you’ and ‘spouse’ as if you don’t have your health and happiness than how can you deal with the rest.

For some reasons certain people will forgive but won’t forget. I appreciate that in certain circumstances it’s hard as the hurt can go deep and have been inflicted repeatedly. However, the Prophet (PBUH) dealt with the worst form of humiliation and still wanted peace and the best outcome for those people. Lets all learn from this and give ourselves a break from this hurt. Ask yourself this question: Does that person still care for you? Inshallah, the answer is yes and one can take hope that they will in time regret and feel remorse for their actions.

I have problems being confident especially in making decisions and when I do I can’t live with them. Take for instance today at work. I haven’t been that happy there and this is more so due to my manager. I thought on the bus I need to do something about this and decided a move would be appropriate i.e. a change of desk. The first excuse I could come up with was ‘back problems’ and then my manager tried to adjust my chair and fiddle with my back seat. I wanted to be assertive so I literally took my chair to a desk I wanted to move to. I tired to justify this action by saying I had problems with sunlight (not true) and that my new desk was a bit smaller which didn’t convince my manager as their desk had been chopped by a third. Started to get worried and the anxiety kicked. I thought I've probably made another wrong move so thought that the best thing I could do was find an opportunity to be super nice. I can’t believe I said this: “I miss my desk, I want to come back”. Thankfully, my manager laughed and called me a “joker” and I felt relieved. But this caused me another problem. How do I stay at my new desk permanently? Possibly going on about sunlight? Coming up with a ridiculously disgusting story which means my manager wants me to stay where I am? Ahh the decisions to make and how to stick by them.

Why oh why do I let these things get to me. I need some peace out from my mentality. I need to become that person who lives carefree and dam the consequences. May make life a lot easier. I know that that is not the ideal way to live but its better than worrying about all the bits and bobs of why did she say that? Why is this happening to me? Was that the right thing to say or do? Hey crumber. Worst of all is when people tell you to watch your back from so and so. I know that is only friendly advice but I’m already paranoid and I don’t need something else to fuel it. There is plenty of coal in that fire!

I know some people learn to ignore certain people or problems or take a laid back attitude to it. But being advised not to worry is not easy and not always the best advice as one is already worrying and you can’t switch it off like a switch. I still test possible solutions like buying chocolate, going to cinemas, chatting to friends just something to keep the mind occupied from the worry. However, there is a deeper problem and one that cannot be ignored. One needs to discover and learn ways to fix it. Being happy and keeping faith is definitely the best cure.

A quote from my best friend: “We can trust Allah, if we are scared of Allah, then we are not scared of anyone, if we are not scared of Allah but of people, then everything will scare us”.

Easier said than done as always, but something to aspire to.

Peace out!

Let me set the scene, I'm like most people going through life trying to discover who they are but for me it has involved subconsciously making mistakes and NOT learning from them. I hope to create regular blogs to help myself (this is me trying to put myself first) and, those people who are interested in reading and even learning more about my experiences both good and bad. Inshallah this blog will be a journey to help me to learn from my previous plans and make new ones.

I want to thank my best friend for encouraging me to create a blog and whose blog happymuslimmama.com has inspirational stories.


I have had many plans of which I have not followed. I think the most vivid one is not completing University. To this day, I am still battling as to whether I should go back to Uni which is peppered with friends and family wanting me to go. However, the real question I have to answer is: Do I want to go? Not sure. No surprise there! I think the idea is great, wanting to challenge myself, achieve something academic which for me will make a prominent mark in my life and to prove to others especially myself that I can do it. But I'm not convinced by these points. I had a really bad experience at University and even worse lecturers. I'll never forget these infamous words: "Turn to your left; turn to your right these people will not be here next year." Well, I passed that year but that advice was a string of bad advices I got which eventually broke me and made me feel negative about life. I was studying Law and as promised it was hard, time consuming, demanding, pressurised BUT really interesting. (Sorry for using but all the time, I just like it! I think that is a metaphor for my life.) The idea of pressure started to get to me which made me feel more vulnerable than I was used to. I could not make sense of what I was doing in terns of studying and what I wanted my life to be. I started to feel desperate and marriage popped into my head which felt like the answer to my problems. As you will find out that that was a bad plan! It got to the point where if I could not achieve a First Class degree then I thought what was the point of doing it. Alhamdula, my sisters think differently but I still can't get the idea of being the best at everything including achieve a 1st Class degree out of my head especially as more people are saying its the best head start to a career and opportunities. Yet, my friend achieved a 2:2 and is now a qualified Solicitor. Good for her. I'm so proud of her. Inshallah, I will be proud of myself soon. I think one of the problems I still face is failure or just feeling ok with achieving the minimum - I feel I can do better but that mentality has not helped me so far! There are so many good and bad experiences that one has to decide what path they are going to take, feel comfortable about and stick to it. If you want to get the First Class degree, you can get it and if you get a Third Class degree you can still achieve that end goal without having to feel a failure for not going the traditional route. Carol Vorderman got a 3rd Class degree and she is successful and most people think she is brillant.

I think anyone interested in doing a degree or is studying for one, it is important you enjoy it and do it for the right reasons. Trust me you will love it more and it will help you do well without having to feel over pressurised. My sister was not brillant at school and she did something she loved at Uni and got a 1st Class degree with Honours. Im extremely proud of her. Go get the world sister!

In all, the question of restarting my degree will have to float over to more blogs before a possible answer.

I leave this blog on a positive note and that is I am becoming a happier person even though I'm not the best Solicitor in the world, yet!