First Love

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During a person’s life time they maybe lucky to experience the joys of having and marrying their first love. It’s a wonderful and exciting feel which can take you to places like cloud 9! However, there are pitfalls of having a first love which can turn that experience into something of a nightmare. I would like to explore in this blog the idea of having a first love.

I like, many others have had a first love. It was exciting, new, liberating and explosive. I hadn’t really thought much of boys and wanted to keep my distance from them as I always believed they were more trouble than I could handle. However, once that feeling of wanting to be in love hit me it was something I didn’t want to let go. Unfortunately, I didn’t go about it in the right way. Even though he lived in a different country (which I am so grateful for) I kept the romance a secret for fear of what my parents may say and do. As you may have guessed they found out and it was quickly over. However, as a terrible consequence my relationship with my father changed forever. My father didn’t handle the situation very well. It took sometime before he comforted me about it when we were watching a documentary about arranged marriages in Islam. My father took the opportunity to snap at me and I remember wanting the earth to swallow me up. This experience has left a bruise in my heart which has meant I have been unable to watch T.V. with my father for the last 10 years! But I have to say this is more to with indecent programmes now!!

I feel that Allah has helped me realise over the years that my first love was not the most halal way of finding my soul mate. Allah has stipulated for a reason why we cannot have boyfriends or girlfriends! My grandmother told me of a Hadith which states that when a man and a woman are together (who are not married or a Mehram) then Shaitan (make Allah curse him) is the third person. He will try his best to force them to commit haram and he will not stop at nothing to succeeded! Alhamdula, Allah will give us a nudge of fear to get us out of that situation but sometimes we refuse to listen and then asgrafallah one has to suffer the consequence of their actions like falling pregnant.

We have to remember that marriage is half our deen and that Inshallah when you marry you will not have to live with the guilt of past mistakes of having experienced a haram relationship and also enjoy the fruits of being in a halah relationship! To be able to experience new and wonderful feelings is only really special when you are married, as you know that Inshallah they will further develop and, bring benefits like a child but more importantly that marriage can lead to Jina.

There is a clock within us that starts to blare loudly arousing our feelings for the opposite sex. If the feeling becomes too strong to handle and you are afraid of committing haram then that is the time to consider marriage!! Inshallah, by making the right intention and seeking Allah’s help the right person will come along but that doesn’t give you the excuse to sit at home waiting for your ‘knight in shining armour’ or your ‘beautiful princess’ to come swarming into your life. No, brothers and sisters – you need to make a concretive effort to make sure your expectations are REALISTIC and you create opportunities to find that special person. Opportunities like going to Islamic weddings, spreading the word through family and friends, attending Islamic talks and if all else fails going to the mosque and speaking to an Imam. I did that and he introduced me to a few respectable guys but they were not meant to be! One guy in particular made think more about how strong my imam was and whether I should start wearing the hijab. May Allah reward him for instilling these beneficial thoughts, which eventually lead me to search for someone who had a strong imam. I ended going back to my native home and that is where I found my husband. There is no shame in marriage and at the end of the day we all have a makatib (person written for us by Allah). A friend once told me that our souls have met the person we were destined to marry. Well, my soul was quite busy as I ended up marrying twice and Inshallah the second marriage is for life.

I pray to Allah that all my brothers and sisters marry a person who will strength their iman, love them for the sake of Allah and, are rewarded with children and Jina Fardous. Ameen.

A tip for everyone – When you are going to meet someone, please take a brother, sister, Mehram or good friend as you want to start the intention on an Islamic note and not let Shaitan (may Allah curse him) be the third person there. Inshallah that way you can be happy in the thought that you are in the right Islamic direction and possibly meeting you kindred spirit!

My supplication to Allah

12:13 Posted In , , , , Edit This 6 Comments »
Oh Allah help me in my time of need! I cant handle being managed by her.
Im trying to be a good muslimah and not back bite but I feel very hurt.
Oh Allah when I seem to be making progress with her something bad seems to happen.
I’m not sure what to do Allah?
I know she is writing something about me – possibly something bad.
How can I please her when she hurts me so badly?
Oh Allah help me!
Guide me Allah…Ya Allah make me feel better soon!
Help me Allah through my time of need and give me justice due to the pain I have suffered. Make me a better person from all of this and let me never experience it again.
Make her into a better, caring and loving person.
A muslimah to be proud of.
Also make us Muslims an Ummah to be proud of.
Ya Allah accept my prayer and grant me swift relief.
Ameen.

Baby, Where art thou?

13:33 Posted In , , , Edit This 21 Comments »

I’ve been thinking for a bit about what my next blog should be. I wanted it to be something meaningful and Inshallah to help others.

I’ve wanted kids since I was 16 years old. There are a few reasons for that. I love children especially babies. I love the idea of helping and watching a person who is half of you grow and Inshallah become a good Muslim who will help others. Also, being the eldest of 5 kids meant that I have matured a lot more quickly. So, the search was on to find my soulmate, other half! Alhamdula it took a few years and a second marriage before I could work on my dream.

I suffer from terrible period pains which I have tried almost everything under the sun to control except the pill. I remember once at school, I got my period in the middle of a lesson and the pain was so unbearable I had to ran to my Head teacher’s office but he was nowhere to be found. So, I collapsed on a desk outside his office and cried hoping someone would help me. I eventually got the permission to go and only Allah knows how I arrived home and my dad had to rush me to hospital as my stomach couldn’t hold down my medication. Oh the drama of my period pains!! Apparently Queen Victoria of Great Britain used to take cannabis to help control her period pains but I of course would not recommend it or use it! LOL You probably guessed it another reason for wanting kids is to put an end to these pains. Due to my bad period pains, I discovered that I had polycystic ovary syndrome which, affects 1 in 5 women. Most women get pregnant naturally but the rest need further help. Alhamdula. My grandmother; a wise and wonderful woman has told me for many years that as soon as I have a baby things will improve, pain wise, Inshallah. I believe her especially as she went through something similar and has delivered many babies herself so there is wisdom in her advice.

I had to do something about my periods so my gynaecologist started work in trying to discover why I had such bad period pains and whether this was going to affect my fertility. I had a few scans, blood tests, laparoscopy, and small burning of my ovaries to help simulate the production of follicles which contain the eggs. Alhamdula, the tests showed that there were no problems like endometriosis or blocked fallopian tubes. However, there was no explanation for the bad period pains. I was told that unfortunately there was nothing that could be done except taking the pill. So, I continue to battle with my period pains but with the help of powerful pain killers.

I tried naturally for a baby for a about a year but to no avail. So, my gynaecologist prescribed clomid tablets. Clomid tablets help to give the ovaries a boost by making them produce follicles and increase the hormones involved in ovulation. About 70% of women get pregnant on clomid. I had to take the tablets from day 2 to 6 of my period and by around day 12 or 14 I had to go into hospital for scans to track the number of follicles that I had produced that month. Unfortunately, the clomid hasn’t helped me ovulate and so I was prescribed ovutrelle. At first, I was on 50mg of clomid and produced 7-9 follicles. My husband was supposed to have cold showers to prevent multiple pregnancies but we didn’t take that advice as Allah would be the one to give me as many babies as I could handle. Plus there was no guarantee that I would become pregnant. I was adviced to take 25mg of clomid and have been producing 2-3 follicles. I’ve had 7 rounds of clomid and I’m on my last. I’m trying not to be sceptical to allow the last one to work. This slight scepticism has been borne out from the fact that my sister discovered a few days ago that the Mefenamic Acid tablets which I have been taking for a few years for my periods come with a warning and that it should not be taken if you are trying to get pregnant. Those damn doctors never told me that. I remember clearly being told that this would not affect my fertility in the long run but with closer examination of these words and my position at the time I’ve realised that this advice was only meant to help my pains while I was not trying for a baby. Alhamdula. However, this realisation doesn’t explain why the gynaecologist didn’t advice me to stop taken them. (Trust me I will be taking this up with them!) Ironically, I haven’t been that upset by this revelation as it could be a reason as to why I haven’t become pregnant. However, my last round of clomid may not work due to the Mefenamic Acid tablets I took this month. Well, Allah knows best and I believe in my heart that if Allah wants me to get pregnant then it will BE regardless of those Mefenamic Acid tablets in my system.

So far the process has not been too complicated. The only problem has been my impatient to get pregnant. A lot of people have advised me to stop thinking about it and I believe they are right. However, how do you do that? I’m constantly reminded of it by my family, friends, planning the pregnancy, taking the clomid, going to hospital and seeing a flood of pregnant women and generally reminding myself. It’s hard and I sincerely respect women who have struggled to get pregnant and have either been successful after many years or have been unsuccessful and found peace by it. A friend who is also a diabetic has similar problems with her period and had the mind set that she would try for a baby even if it took years. She ‘stopped’ thinking about the whole process and it quickly happened for her. Today, I went to see another friend and her new baby. It was wonderful seeing that tiny soul peacefully sleeping and her mother looking proudly and protectively at her. The desperation for a child started to overtake me and subhanallah I looked again at that child and Allah gave me peace.

Something that has comforted me is the Quran. Allah reminds me through Surah’s when the feeling of wanting a baby overwhelms me. He reminds me that He is the one that gives children and that the benefits and rewards of the afterlife are a whole lot better. Alhamdulillah. I also found peace by reading an article in the last issue of Sister Magazine – “Barren but Blessed”. The sister was unsuccessful in conceiving but Allah had a better plan for her and that was to adopt twin babies. She not only found peace by not conceiving but is happy that it never happened. What a woman! How great is Allah in all his plans.

Inshallah, this last round of clomid is successful. If not the next steps are more intrusive like IVF. Inshallah it doesn’t come to that. However, I’m grateful that Allah has instilled the medical knowledge into man of these treatments to give us a greater chance of conceiving. I pray that I can find the strength for me and anyone going through something similar to keep going, have sabr and importantly find peace in whatever path Allah has chosen for us. Please make dua for me and many thanks to the sisters that have supported me.

Islam vs Senior Management

13:14 Posted In , , , Edit This 9 Comments »
I don’t usually like to start off as a sour puss but I’ve been feeling low for a few days and am desperate to get this sadness out of my system. Crying has not really helped but praying has helped give me a sense of temporary peace and yearning to try and fix my problems.

I was told at work by a senior member of staff that my manager had been acting unprofessionally by bad mouthing me to another senior member of staff. They want on to tell me that the senior managers accept unreliable and false criticise or accusations from my managers like mine. I felt very low after especially as she complaining about me not being in when she had granted me the morning off from work! This temporary amnesia is apparently not uncommon as I believe she uses it as an excuse to bad mouth people to senior management to gain brownie points to climb up this pathetic civil service ladder of promotion. It hurt more so as my manager is Muslim and as a sister I expected more support and sisterhood since we had similar beliefs to tie us closer to each other. Unfortunately, I was wrong. However, what has been more alarming from this revelation is that two non-Muslims had noticed how badly she has been treating me and others and told me that as a she is a Muslim they expected more compassion and support from her.

I felt ashamed of her as a Muslim sister because not only has she created a bad impression of herself but she has done it in overtly outrageous manner in that everyone knows she likes to ‘suck up’ to senior management at the expense of others including her Muslim brothers and sisters. She even refused a brother leave to go to Friday prayers. To try and give myself some sense of peace I thought about how Allah is watching her and can feel my pain and how she could face Allah if she died tomorrow. One good way of being close to Allah and helping you better your imam is to think about death and I believe that my manager’s problem is maybe she is thinking too much about this life and not the hereafter hence her terrible actions.

I am trying my best not think bad thoughts of her and have made dua for her so that Allah brings her happiness and peace and that I can move to another position soon. But she has tested my patience. She has even made me cry! Alhamduillah. I believe that this is a test from Allah similar to that faced by Prophet (pbuh) when he was badly treated by the kufar but still showed kindness, sabr and civility to them. However, more importantly he did not want anything bad to happen to them but left it to Allah as Allah knows best. A sister pointed out that we shouldn’t wish badly on anyone as one day they may beg for forgiveness and become better Muslims. Inshallah, that happens to my manager but I also believe that Allah does not want a Muslim to be badly treated or made to cry. Part of me wants her to feel the pain she has put me through especially as I’m not the first nor will I be the last she makes to suffer. I’m trying to search for answers on this issue but have been confused and I pray to Allah I can be guided to an answer soon and be given some sense of peace.

I am going to try and ask my manager for a move as a vacancy has come up somewhere else. Please make dua that Allah grants me this move with ease and to somewhere better. May Allah grant you all ease in your time of need. Ameen.

Diabetes

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I was diagnosed with diabetes when I was 3…yes 3! It was a huge shock for my mother who was also taking care of my brother who was 1 ¼ and my sister who was only 8 weeks old. May Allah bless my mum for her sabr, love and suffering.

I try to get my mum to relive the time of when I was diagnosed with diabetes and it’s not much but rather interesting. At that time the NHS (National Health Service) had a lot more facilities to support mothers and accommodate our needs. For instance, my mum was given a hotel room within the hospital to stay in close contact with me, lots of nappies and pre-filled baby bottles. Sounds great! Unfortunately, much to my disappointment, this supportive system does not exist anymore. Anyway back to my story...My mum had to learn to inject me and practiced daily with an orange. It took a long time before my mum eventually gave me my injections as I used to beg in Egyptian Arabic not to have anymore injections! I had an Egyptian nurse who taught me Arabic and apparently some not so impressive words like get lost! My dad had to work and deal with his father’s death so there was a lot going on at that time.

I can remember one vivid experience with my dad which is quite hilarious. My mum had gone to Morocco as her father had died. So, my dad was left for the first time ever with the responsibility to take care of three kids. One particular day, we had all got up late for school and my dad tried desperately to brush my long hair but to no avail. He quit and told me to do what I wanted with it. Yeppie, I thought as I wanted it left out for all to admire as my mum never let me leave it out. Anyway, my dad took us to school and about 2 hours later came rushing into my class to get me out. He had forgotten to give me my injection and I was none the wiser in the sense I had no symptoms of feeling tired or thirsty. He then asked me which toilet I wanted to go in to have my injection. I of course had to say the boys’ toilets because my dad is a boy and I wanted to see what it was like. So, we entered and it absolutely stank! However, the school secretary saw my dad kneeling over me to give me my injection in my bum and she screamed out “what the hell was going on”. Oh the embarrassment! My dad dealt with the situation and the secretary was left embarrassed by her reaction.

I have never known anything different. At first I thought everyone had to take injections but obviously this faded quite quickly when I noticed I was the only one at home flashing my bottom for my daily injections! Also, I got fed up of my siblings having the glory of eating as much sweets as they wanted when I couldn’t have even one. Oh how unfair. At that time, medical advice was not on the ball in that the doctors told my parents not to give me any sugar! This advice by the doctors was not clever as children/adults will have what they can’t have. Oh yes indeed. I ended up becoming an expert in smuggling sweets home and finding the latest stash. This ended up biting me in the back as a doctor threatened me with future amputations of both my arms and legs. I needed it as my blood sugars had become out of control when I hit my teens. Alhamdulliah, Allah is great as I didn’t have many problems and tried to enjoy life. It never really bothered me that I had diabetes as I saw it as the norm, a super power which no one else I knew had and that I would control it and not the other way around. My parents gave me the freedom to go on school trips and enjoy a few birthday parties. There are some things I do regret which is inevitable but overall Allah has helped me through the difficult times.

My diabetes is better controlled in the sense that I can now eat what I want and know exactly how much insulin to give myself. (Thanks to the DAFNE course - "Dose Adjustment For Normal Eating" - The basic principle is that for every 10g of carbohydrate, I need to take 1 unit of insulin; simple! So, 80g of carbohydrates I will take 8 units.) This way I’m avoiding any future complications like blindness and can practically eat whatever I want. Just need to watch my weight like everyone else. Before, the regime was very strict and it didn’t leave room for unpredictable situations like a friend bring in chocolate cake. How can anyone say no to that! Inshallah, there is a cure and even if it is not in my life time, I know that there are more difficult conditions to deal with. May Allah grant ease to anyone going through an illness, disease or difficult time. Ameen.

My Weekend In Bath

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Bath, well what can one say about a white stoned city? It’s full of history, students, a thunder box (I shall explain later) and white stone.

I wanted a weekend away with my husband in order for him to experience more of what England has to offer and also a break from my family. After much searching of the various cities in the UK, my heart was set on revisiting Bath. I had been there when I was 13 years old after winning a quilt making competition at my school and I remember being given £10 by mum and feeling so excited and rich that I spent it all. I had no money left to rehydrate myself from eating too many scones! So much for making it last. It took me sometime to find a guest house as the hotels were either too expensive or booked but even the guesthouse cost me £180 for two nights. Oh never mind, at least it was cosy and it had wonderful hospitality.

We packed our things a day in advance and we set off on the National Express for £38 return. (Funfare price - see I can save money!) The coach driver almost didn’t let us on as we arrived 7 minutes late for boarding. However, we begged the driver to let us on and thankfully he obliged us by opening the door and telling us off. We arrived 3 hours and 30 minutes later only to have to track up a hill and pass many hedges to our guesthouse. We were told it would take us less than 12 minutes to get there as we were young but it took us 20 minutes instead. It was good exercise.

We wanted to explore the city by foot but got lost at every direction despite peoples best efforts to point us in the right direction. We thought that the best way to see what the city had to offer was to follow the American and Malaysian tourist and purchase tickets for the tour bus. This had to be the highlight of our journey as not only did we rest feet get to rest but the guides had an impressive knowledge of the city. We took the bus around 7 seven times. It cost us £16 for 2 days use of the tour bus.

Bath has a population of around 80,000 people of which 20,000 are University students. The architecture is very impressive especially around Queen Square, the Abbey and the Roman Baths. In particular only one house has a thunder box which is basically a Victorian toilet. Unfortunately, the toilet was so unstable that many people apparently fell through it. Talk about being relieved! Also, some of the lavish houses seemed to have been occupied by mistresses of Kings’ and Dukes. King William IV had 22 children with his mistress and none with his wife. Unfortunately, as the children were illegitimate and he was succeeded by his niece Queen Victoria.

As you know, I’m a huge Jane Austen fan and the first place I visited was the Jane Austen Centre. We were greeted by Mr Darcy who was more charming than Jane’s Darcy. By this time I was so excited that I accidentally ran off and left my husband in the gift shop when I went to purchase the tickets. Unfortunately, the Centre was not all that it cracked up to be. They overcharged for the tickets for a talk which lasted about 15 minutes and a basement that had a few costumes from the ITV remake of Persuasions. Bath’s claim to Jane was that she lived for five years after her father retired but more interestingly is that Jane absolutely hated Bath even though she based Persuasion and Northanger Abbey on Bath. They did have a lovely tea room and I ordered the Jane Austen tea and Willoughby chocolate cake. My husband was not at all impressed with the Centre, more so as he didn’t understand anything people were saying and wanted only boring old regular coffee. He said he didn’t trust any food that was named after characters from books.

Overall we had a lovely time in Bath despite the down pour of rain. My husband was very much more fascinated by the Roman Baths and the Abbey. We dared each other to drink a whole glass of warm sulphuric water which I think the Museum distilled to such an extent that it didn’t taste so bad. Just needed a tea bag!

Big Sister Syndrome

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Things have been rather hectic at home and I’m trying to find a balance in appeasing my family and husband. So far I’m not doing a good job!

I believe that being the eldest brings about too many responsibilities which if one does not learn to say ‘no’ to will eventually lead to unfortunate circumstances. For instance, my family are finding it hard to let me go and once this eventually happens, inshallah, I can only live one door away from them while my husband wants to live on the other side of the country. How to appease both is going to be a challenge and a half. I’m battling between both and trying not to make the wrong choices but what seems to be holding me back is my divorce. This feeling that I cannot hurt my family by my decisions because I am afraid that if this marriage does not work (I believe this is unlikely as both my husband and I have sworn never to leave each other regardless of what may happen) they will be there for me. What a dilemma, ha! Then there comes the time of dealing with all sorts crisis’s. This has to be left to Big Sis as she seems to be the only one that can prevent World War 3 from striking. I call this the Big Sister Syndrome.

The Big Sister Syndrome is not uncommon. If you are the eldest (male and female), sit back and think about what your role is in your family’s household and I’m sure that the list in your head is growing. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes being the eldest can bring its own rewards and benefits. I love the feeling of bring joy or resolution to a problem for my family. I love seeing their excitement when things have worked out well for them especially if I have helped in someway. Most of all, I love the fact that I brought my mother great comfort, support and joy to her life when others have failed her. I believe in my heart that Allah is happy with me for being there for my family but I ‘m slowly realising that Allah does not want me to be miserable with all the unnecessary responsibilities I have taken on. Allah would want me to be happy in my own home with my husband and inshallah kids.

I am waking up to myself and trying not to feel immense guilt when I don’t want to do something for my family. This feeling is becoming more prominent as my coping mechanisms are shamefully not working. I think they have taken me for granted and expected too much of me. This is partly my fault as I should have plucked up more confidence to say ‘no’ to them especially as they find it very easy to say it to me. Alhamdula. One particular occasion was when I managed to accidentally break a stack of plates. I asked my sister to help my mum clean everything up as I needed to ran some errands for the family by which she kindly told me to ‘get lost’. She was probably having a bad day and seemed very tired but I know that doesn’t excuse her from talking to me that way. However, what was most sad about this incident was that the broken glass was a metaphor of my life. I do feel like I’m in pieces and that I can’t tide up my life. As soon as the plates broke, I wanted to burst out crying and I ran out the door as fast as I could so I didn’t have to tidy them up. Alhamdula, mu mum was there for me and took charge of the situation which allowed me to stop thinking about all the negativity of that situation. Inshallah, I will be strong enough not to ran away from my problems and face my internal fears in order for me to move on and be more happy.

Many Allah help us all through our trying times. Ameen.
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